I’ll Fly Away

My mom called me in early December to tell me that she wanted to buy my flight home for the holidays.  I did not see that coming.  #lakme for the perfectly executed ambush.  So naturally I just started crying my eyes out while I was sitting by myself at work like some kind of emotionally distraught middle aged nightmare.  Then she sent the confirmation email and the flights were both direct and I ugly cried even more.  I’m a volcano of tears, just add life.  This all being said, traveling during the holidays can be a real fiasco.  Not only are the prices entirely insane but everyone tends to come and go at the same time making an already congested situation that much worse.  I watch people travel the same way I watch some people drive.  It’s like, how on earth did you manage to dress yourself this morning?

I have turned traveling into a skilled art.  I can’t tell you the last time I checked luggage and one time I traveled for an entire weekend with nothing but my purse.  How bout that Frontier Airlines with your hidden devil-man fees?!  And don’t even get me started on Spirit Airlines, or cardboard in the sky as I like to call it.  I tried it once and feared for my life the entire time, convinced a toddler actually designed the plane with computer paper and duct tape.  Never. Again.  Also, cut the crying babies some slack.  Their ears hurt, okay?  Put your headphones on.  Just be glad people aren’t allowed to smoke on planes anymore.  I will say, however, if you have kids to please remind them that the tray tables are not toys.  Also, that’s not a service dog.  Don’t even joke my ass with your Saint Bernard taking up all my foot room like he helps you stay emotionally stable.  I’m not buying it.  I’m an emotional wreck, too.  You know what helps me?  Alcohol.  Try it.

There are unspoken rules in effect when flying.  Nothing infuriates me more than when people act like they don’t know.  THEY KNOW.  For instance, if you’re a window person, you control whether the window shade is up or down BUT you don’t get to use the bathroom during your flight…unless you’re going to Hong Kong.  Those are the rules.  You know exactly what I’m talking about.  Two other people have to get up out of their seats, they’re blocking the aisle, then they have to get back up again when you return.  Just hold it, okay?  And if you have a small bladder, no problem.  Sit in an aisle seat.  End of discussion.  Also, exit the plane in an orderly fashion-literally.  I have no idea who these people think they are who jump up and race to the front before the aisles in front of them have cleared.  That’s the same person who had no friends in kindergarten because they didn’t share.  They are the people who celebrate their birthday for an entire month and eat the last piece without asking.  I would also imagine the majority of them are an only child.  No offense.  If you have to make a connecting flight, just say so as you pass.  MOST people aren’t monsters…although it does surprise me how many of them there are.

And let’s talk about cabs.  Who, in Northern America, is using a cab?  Someone asked me to call them a cab the other night and I looked at him as if T-rex hands popped out of his chest.  Huh?  With Uber and Lyft I’m just not quite sure how these guys (yes, I’m being sexist because I’ve never in my life seen a female cab driver) still have jobs.  They’re also mean.  Anytime a horn is honked, 9 times out of 10 it’s a cab driver with serious rage issues that I’m convinced stem from childhood.  In Chicago, a cab driver actually threw a coke can through my window at my face.  At my face!  It was two in the afternoon!  Easy on the Pepsi (coke) , sir!  Might I suggest a deep tissue massage or a sage ritual.  Back to my point, the ONLY reason you need a cab is if you don’t have a bank account.  If you don’t have a bank account you’re either some paranoid to the max conspiracy theorist or you’re hiding from the government…or both.  Either way, it’s shady.  You’re not Jason Bourne.  Stop it.  Or don’t and just know that I think you’re a psycho killer.

The airport is a mecca for people watching which, as you know, is one of my favorite activities.  I love watching family dynamics, goodbyes, reunions, all of it.  There is so much emotion surging through the place, from the streets to the seats.  Some people are headed towards loved ones, to mourn loved ones, away from loved ones, to find loved ones.  If I could stand at the door and do interviews all day, I would.  So be mindful, be kind and be aware.  Use curbside check-in whenever possible, don’t forget to tip and hydrate.  Sometimes it’s easy-breezy and sometimes you’ll hear yourself saying “I’m never flying with this airline again!”  It happens.  Just relax and take into consideration you could be on the Oregon Trail with your family and 4 sick oxen on unpaved roads wearing a corset in the smoldering heat praying you haven’t contracted  smallpox.  It’s all about perspective!  I hope everyone made it into 2018 safely and with their health in tact.  Cheers to a 365 of adventure, laughter and awesome.  Safe travels!


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