It’s that time of year. Whatever color cup you are drinking from you’re also credit card debt deep into the season of giving. It’s also that time of year where I actually wish I could go back in time and berate myself for ever thinking money was a stupid gift. I would like to personally thank anyone who ever sent me money throughout my childhood and apologize for the face of disappointment you received for not buying me a skip-it. I was young and my priorities were completely out of whack and I had no idea that water cost money. You were smart and I was dumb. I know that now and am truly sending virtual hugs to each and every one of you wherever you are because you cared more about my future than I did. Thank you for trying to show me what my stubborn, for sure not going to take your advice until I learn everything you already knew the hard way because I’m a Kodros and that’s what we do, did not understand.
My family does Secret Santa every year to cut down costs. Each December, an email chain goes around where we all share our Christmas lists. Today I received an email with gift ideas such as ‘Ray Finkle…and a clean pair of pants’ and ‘a new NFL team to cheer for’. I also learned that ninjagos are a thing. Another item of interest was ‘2 tickets to paradise (airfare included???)’. I believe last year my list went as such: 1. A 2017 Kia Optima Turbo 2. Macbook in gold 3. 2 INSIDE of 1 – so as you can see, we all have very realistic expectations. I’ve been asking for a car since 2010. My older brother had a rental car one year and put a bow on it. Like an idiot, I actually thought it was mine for about ten minutes. And that’s pretty much what it’s like growing up with brothers. Someone once asked for a fitbit and I thought it would be a better idea to just make a bracelet out of duct tape and write GO WORK OUT on it. There’s Cousin Eddie, us and the Royal Family.
If I’m being honest, everything I want for Christmas is worth more than anything anyone should spend or money can’t buy. I want things like couches, cars, vacations, world peace and a man. When you’re younger, people want to buy you everything. And as a kid, you’re not thinking about your legacy or planning for a future. I’m not even sure much thinking is happening at all. There’s even a year in there, where if you make it through the day without peeing your pants, you’re considered a legend. So, anyway, of course you end up acquiring a bunch of crap that ends up in a Goodwill. Why on earth was money spent on trolls with their jeweled bellybuttons ever?! WHY!?
Also, writing a list of things you want at my age is borderline sad. It’s like, here’s a bunch of stuff I haven’t been able to buy for myself yet. Wanna? And as far as the things I really want, I don’t think anyone in my immediate family wants to contribute to the lasering of my bikini line. Not shaving for the rest of my life would truly be the gift that keeps on giving. Just throwing that out there, if anyone is listening. What I want is a body that would inspire me to invest in crop tops and a monthly stipend that would allow me to stop being an adult waitress. Just to give you a glimpse of my life, a grown man asked me to move the sun yesterday. THE SUN.
What I want is a permanent vacation and a black Amex. I called my mom crying a few months ago saying I needed to get out of the country and use my passport and was told I was unable to be taken seriously at that moment in time. She’s quite familiar with my dramatics it seems. At the end of the day, all I truly want is to be with my family. I’ve never had a Christmas without them. We’ve already got bets going on who will be the first one to cry. And if you find yourself with a bunch of extra money this year that you just can’t figure out what to do with, send it my way! I have venmo. Super easy. #helpmeimpoor Happy holidays my friends!
You are hilariously always on point, thanks for making me literally laugh out loud again!! Really needed it!!
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Jennifer, I’m staying in town – hit me up!