In America: A Lexicon

Well, I just covered up in a towel so a dog wouldn’t have to look at me, so that’s where I’m at with that. I think I watched too many 90s sitcoms which have given me the complex that they have thoughts and platforms. Basically I didn’t want to be judged by an animal and I think we should all take a moment and reflect on that. Send help. I’m having to question just about everything I see on the internet these days so when I saw that Mariah Carey filed a lawsuit against her ex for $50 mil for, wait for it, WASTING HER TIME…AND WON…you better believe I did some sleuthing. Cause the first thing that went through my head is, is this real? And then I started wondering what all of my breaks-ups would be worth and I decided probably a gym membership, a bottle of hot sauce and all past, present and future bar tabs. So anyway, I did the legwork and can assure you, it is true. They settled for $5 mil (some reports say $3 – I mean can’t we even get non-controversial shit right?) but STILL – that kind of money would change the trajectory of my day/year/life. I’d drop what I was doing, go upstairs and tell apartment #16 what a rude, loud and terrible neighbor she is, text my landlord I’m leaving, pay off all my debt (which does not include student loans, so if those get forgiven, I best be getting some money back), gather the people who love me for who I am and move to my glorious, isolated, ‘my body my choice every day of the week and not just when it’s convenient for my narrative’ island and live HAPPILY EVER AFTER. Alas, if my life were Downton Abbey, I’d be Anna or Daisy…probably Daisy – jus trying to mind my business but completely unable to keep my facial expressions to myself. And the best part is that Mariah kept the engagement ring and now wears it on her middle finger. Queen. Moral of the story – don’t waste my time or I’ll sue your ass.

Speaking of people with too much money, everyone is talking about the Met Gala and AOC’s dress and I’m just like – what are we even doing? Here’s what I do know about the Gala: It’s an exclusive themed invite-only party hosted by Anna Wintour, who has had that same haircut since 1957, for $30 grand a plate. Now I don’t know where you’re at financially but that’s a lot of money for some chicken and more than most people’s entire salary last year which begs the question – Was this time appropriate? Yes, it’s a fundraiser but is that where our money should be going right now? Has anyone looked around? It’s a huge flaunt of wealth and excess and over the top galavanting and I just felt a way about it you know? READ THE ROOM FUCKO! This year’s theme was ‘In America: A Lexicon of Fashion’ which, to me, seemed simple enough – right? I thought I understood the assignment and then 2 red carpet looks later, I’m like ‘nope’. And what I’m learning is half the people in attendance don’t either. And I realize there is room for interpretation but here’s how we fix this – You know how the Olympics has commentators explaining wtf is going on during the opening ceremonies so peasants like myself aren’t just staring at a screen while 500 volunteers do an interpretive dance history of whatever country’s origins with zero clue of the concept – that’s what the Met Gala needs. So that when someone shows up wearing a snuggie that no one can understand, I can stop trying to piece together what I’m actually looking at like some kind of Where’s Waldo murder mystery put together by a toddler with a bottle of wine and a sewing machine, feeling like some kind of garbage person who doesn’t understand fashion or maybe even anything. And to an extent, I don’t. I’m not going to be remembered for much about my wardrobe other than it was always black and I think we all know dis.

And, yeah, I’m going two paragraphs on this topic because this is my place to express myself and I do what I want. So I do think there should be some sort of explanation for some of these choices. Give us the backstory – have a dude follow you with a sign explaining wtf it is you’re wearing and why. And then I think – if you have to explain your costume, it sucks. Same with a joke. People should universally, for the most part, understand what you’re trying to convey or what’s the point? Which I know then leads to the whole – is art meant to be understood? – and I don’t have the time or the energy for that today. But yeah, I do try my best to understand art and what people are trying to to say, so I’m invested a tiny and I have a lot of questions this year. I’m looking at you Kim (Kardashian). At first I thought it was a nod to Peter Pan and America’s inability to grow up, then I thought maybe she’s making a statement that America is more obsessed with the shape of your body than the person within it which would have been RAD but no – it was her nod to the classic American t-shirt…naturally. And now I quit and goodbye. Also – I did it first. The picture above is from a music video back in 2012. Megan Fox received a lot of slack for her very revealing outfits at both the VMAs and the Met Gala and I gotta say – I was a fan. If I looked like that, you’d have to beg me to wear clothes. On her instagram she posted the two looks with the caption ‘Just me out here ignoring and defying all of your puritanical emotionally repressed projections of what a woman should be’ and I can’t find an argument with that. Between that and AOC’s dress – which like it or not – made a statement, people are ruffled. It’s not like she’s preaching something new – I don’t know why anyone’s surprised. She didn’t pay for her plate – no tax dollars were spent, so relax Karen. She could have been less smiley IMO for a real gut-punch effect. Would it have been cooler if she descended from the rafters mid-dinner to Pink Floyd’s Money ?? – YES! – But not everyone has the charm of Maleficent. I think what expressed the theme most correctly was while the rich and famous and privileged were inside bumping elbows and toasting champagne and promoting causes, several BLM protesters were being arrested outside of the Met. An aerial view of THAT should be on the cover of TIME magazine…

I’ve had somewhat of an epiphany recently, if you can call it that. I think I spent a REALLY long time being agreeable. And by really long time I mean like 37+ years. I have tried to be better about speaking my mind and not staying silent, creating conversations over arguments and being an active and authentic participant in what’s going on. Personally, it’s been liberating. As an overthinker, there’s a whole mess of things I’ve held onto for a number of reasons and it feels good to be who I am instead of what I think other people want me to be. I think in general it’s gone over pretty well but I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t upset some people. I’ve been called names, misunderstood, blatantly dismissed and criticized. I’m not going to say I don’t care. I’m not full-on Lizzo (YET) but I care much less than I used to. When you don’t give people what they expect from you, they tend to react poorly. Some people don’t want your truth because your truth doesn’t match up with theirs. What I’ve discovered is I’m more interested in the people who are listening to what I’m saying with an objective to understand and much less with those whose endgame is for me to agree. Stop giving people what they want and start being who you are. Get comfortable. And watch how uncomfortable it makes others. Such a shame.

This got long. Sorry. I mean I’m not sorry. See? I can’t stop. No one is still reading this anyway. I didn’t realize how much I had to say about essentially nothing. Hope you enjoyed this Ted Talk. I just want everyone to be happy and all the combatant back and forth is so expectant and boring. Their (the gov’t) power resides is our division. Has no one seen a Marvel movie?! When the “heros” and the “villains” get together – it changes everything! And I put them in quotes because who is to say who is who? There are two sides to every story. Look what Wicked did for the Wicked Witch of the West, you know? There is always a different way of looking at something. Opinions CAN change. We have so many more options than the ones we’ve been and are being presented. I’m not doing another election where I’m like – did we draw these names out of a hat on a Tuesday after a bender at TGIFs?! Rise up people! Or are you all happy with the political puppet production of “options” we’ve been given over the years? It’s ‘America on Ice’ in 4D on Vegas Blvd brought to you by a prom committee in Idaho and toilet water! I’m done. Is being done an emotion? I clearly haven’t had alcohol in several days. I’m gonna go for a run, maybe file some lawsuits against some exes because let me tell you – some time was certainly wasted and when you realize how precious that currency is – I’d like some money back. Lord, bring me a raindrop…

RIP Norm – you were special. You were blunt and brash and got kicked out of SNL for telling a joke about Oprah you weren’t supposed to and I love you all the more for it. Turd Ferguson & big hats forever Xx


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