I’m not exactly sure how we got here but every December we convince children across the world that there is a dude, most likely a diabetic, with a closet full of red and white pants suits who knows when you’re awake. It’s the only story where a strange old man with a beard in costume preying on children is not only encouraged but promoted in an effort to produce good behavior. Tiny overworked elves create all of the gifts and this 364 day unemployed man takes all the credit. His magical sweatshop of a home in the North Pole cannot be found on google maps which is suspect, but so is his marriage. Mr. and Mrs. Claus – the G-rated, white-haired, hat loving couple. For a couple who devotes so much of their life to children, it’s hard not to question why they never had children of their own. Did they try? Was she unable to have children? Was he? Did her doctor ask her if she was ready to freeze her eggs but she wasn’t sure at the time and was a little price tag shocked and also surprised at the fact that it’s not a guarantee and the odds aren’t really that great so she said no? Are the elves really adopted? But did they really try EVERYTHING? This is what growing up will do to your brain.
So anyway, this man decides who has been good or bad every year. I imagine his bad list is quite long this year…and growing by the minute. To all the guys out there, I’m sure it’s been really tough being under such scrutiny these days. I’m sure you feel like a priest in the early 2000s. I can’t even imagine what it’s like to feel so dissected. Wait a minute…oh, right, that’s been my entire life as a woman. I’m sorry if I don’t find an ounce of empathy for you – and that’s coming from an empath. I can say that without remorse because if you’re a good person, this doesn’t apply to you. And by good person, I mean you’ve managed to make it through life without grabbing another person’s privates unwarrantedly or your own in their presence. It’s really not that hard despite what the daily does of men dropping like flies would imply. I’m really sorry about the microscope you’re under and House of Cards but I don’t get to walk home at night without mace, makeshift Wolverine hands made with my house keys and the paranoid fear that I’ll be murdered before I reach my doorstep. Sacrifices all around.
And if you’re a man and you’ve made it this far in your life without sexually harassing someone -whether or not you were accused- I’m here to inform you that it’s not something to be proud of. I’ve also never murdered anyone – and I travel every Christmas season. That is not a feat, it’s called being a decent human being. The bad behavior of men does not get to glorify what should be, bar none, perfectly normal and expected behavior. I should not be surprised albeit impressed that you have somehow managed to contain your sexual urges for the day. Four days a month, an assassin that lives INSIDE of me tries to take me down. It’s rage inducing painful. However, I’ve yet to go around robbing banks, smashing skulls or grabbing men by the balloons because of how I’m feeling. Where’s my cookie? (takes shot of Jamo and shakes head) Oh, how finding my dream man has become exponentially more difficult.
With stories coming out everyday revealing dark truths about those who lead very different lives in the sun, I hope it’s made you truly assess how you treat others. The world is scary and shitty enough, I think we can all agree. Between disease, natural disasters and accidents we’ve got enough going against us. The least we can do is offer kindness and respect to one another. I’ve read a lot of stories about parents who say they are doing their part by raising their kids to be good people. This makes sense if you mean by doing your part of being a parent. Was raising them to be anything else an option? Kindness is taught by example. It is contagious. Spread it like a wildfire. I don’t think anyone has ever regretted being nice and I don’t think it’s an archaic notion to expect it. That’s what we need in this world, less selfies and more NICE.
So which list are you on? Do you deserve a banquet of gifts or a punch in the throat? With everything going on lately, and I mean everything, I don’t think it’s a bad idea to ask yourself where you stand in all of this. The metaphorical THIS. If I followed your footsteps, behind and in front of the curtain, are you who you say you are? Are you leaving the path behind you better than when you walked it? Are you Mary Poppins-ing your way through life? How will history write your story? Every second of our lives is a choice. That job you hate, it’s a choice. The person you wake up to each morning, also a choice. The tiny world you have created for yourself is nothing but the outcome of a pile of choices. Only you can change it. Be kind to yourself as well. Get to know yourself and make yourself happy. Be someone you’re proud of and like because you are stuck my friend. That elf-camp sergeant living on a polar ice cap already knows but I’m telling you now, for goodness sake, we will find out who has been naughty or nice. You better watch out.