I’m Old(er)

I find myself wishing I had the body I had 5 years ago.  Then I remember at that age, I was wishing for the body 5 years before that.  Sometimes I walk into rooms and forget why.  I’m so stubborn I’ll stay there until I figure out why and now valuable chunks of my life are being taken up by this routine.  I catch myself looking at 2016 prom pictures with raised eyebrows.  I graduated from college over a decade ago.  I start sentences with ‘when I grew up’ a lot.  I’m getting old.

Not in the it’s almost my time and I’m gonna start watching Murder She Wrote while knitting scarves and tidying up my will kind of way, but in the my bones hurt, I have wrinkles, hangovers are 36 hour ordeals, why did I open this browser and I’m not buying it without a coupon kind of way.

I’m getting old in that I’ve contemplated Botox and wish I had used more sunscreen during those summers at the pool.  I’m getting old in that I get excited about recipes, furniture, and stemware.  I’d rather spend my money at Bed, Bath & Beyond than on vodka sodas.  I’m old because I’ve started using wine corks…which is embarrassing yet economical.  I’m old in that a perfect Friday is a night on the couch, a day with no plans is a sweet song to my soul and the highlight of my week is a trip to the farmer’s market.

I’m old in that if I get to watch Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune, I consider that a win.  I still write down directions on a piece of paper before I go anywhere JUST IN CASE technology fails me but mostly because it stresses me out and I’m convinced the GPS won’t tell me where to go fast enough and I’ll miss a turn. #Fact  I’m old in that I refuse to join the snapchat community mostly because there is 0% storage space in my brain for technology.  This new video stuff on Instagram?-MINDBLOWING, but also I can’t.

I’m old in that I realize I was the smartest I will ever be when I was in school.  I’m old in that MOST things that left me devastated at the time now make sense.  I’m old in that I have a very spiritual-like respect for family time and do not take that for granted.  They are my church.  I’m old because I know what true loss feels like and it’s not something you ever get over.  You just learn to live a little differently, a little more empty and a little more reverently.

I’m old in that when I get carded, I have a tiny Simone Biles floor routine in my 33 year old heart.  I am old in that makeup, leg shaving and heels are for special occasions.  I’m old in that I’ve found my people and have a squad I trust with my life and my darkest secrets.  I’m also old enough to know these very people are bound to hurt me at one point or another.  I’m old enough that quality has taken priority over quantity.

I’m old in a way that I have an appreciation for wine beyond two buck chuck, formally known as Charles Shaw, because “it’ll get the job done.”  I’m pretty sure I’m 1 in a few dozen people who still support the publishing business. I like books I can hold and stack on a shelf. I like being able to feel the pages and seeing how much further I have to go.  I’m pretty sure wanting a wine cellar and a library make me old and I’m totally okay with that.

I’m old in that I don’t take things for face value anymore and always wonder what the catch is or what I’m missing.  I’m old in that the smell of Abercrombie & Fitch is what I imagine the 7th circle of hell smells like- sin and disappointment.  I can’t believe I ever worked there.  #Fact

I’m old enough to know that forever is a term we use all too often that we will never actually comprehend.  I now know vampire slayers aren’t real and that leaves a bit of sadness in my chest.  I’m old enough that I’ve thought about how many places I could travel if all of the money I spent on booze and cigarettes was in a bucket.  I’m also old in that I don’t beat myself up for these things because, at the time, I was doing what I wanted and that is equally important.

I’m getting old in that Home Alone came out over 25 years ago, teeny bopper pop groups are remaking songs I grew up listening to and overalls have made a comeback.  It’s sad and it’s liberating.  I’m wiser and I’m happier.  It’s truly a cluster of emotions that waver from hour to hour.

The fact is I am undeniably getting old.  We all are.  It’s the one thing we all have in common.  Right now, we are as young as we’re ever gonna be.  Tic tock…