I spent a handful of consecutive Halloweens being some sort of beat up athlete. Every.single.year. Black eye, bloody nose, the works. Being sexy was the very last thing on my mind, mostly because my idea of sexy was somewhere between Princess Toadstool and Mia Hamm. Which brings me to this week’s rant on (mostly women’s) Halloween costumes.
Halloween, a day that is supposed to be dedicated to celebrating the dead, has turned into an underwear parade. It is that time of year you can put the word ‘sexy’ in front of any occupation, person, object, or animal and turn it into a costume. And trust me when I say ANY. You wanna be a sexy lottery ticket? Do it! Run around screaming “wanna get lucky?!” all night long. A sexy toothbrush?! Why not?! You live in the Midwest and it’s FREEZING but yaaaaassss, bare that midriff and wear those thigh highs!! Show me those abs you’ve been working on all year!
Honestly, you can be anything. No joke, I just discovered a sexy husk of corn costume on google. That’s a real thing. Someone explain to me why that is a real thing. I have no doubt in my mind that someone out there is planning on being a sexy Hillary Clinton. Zero. And in case you’re on the other side of things, don’t panic, there’s a sexy Donald Trump costume available for purchase. #Fact
I suppose it’s a narcissist’s time to shine but as a society, we have to be better than that. We can’t claim to be the best country in the world while stumbling around as high-heeled condiments in the middle of the street.
All I ask is you put some intellectual thought into your costume. I am all about being supportive of other women and not being judgmental but when you decide to wear this:
…I can’t help you. You made a choice that I cannot, in my right mind, applaud. Hot French fries? No. Quit it. In fact, don’t even buy those ridiculous outfits from the store because somewhere out there, a man who watches Mean Girls every night while flipping through Victoria’s Secret magazines still has a job because of your shitty choices.
If 3 out of 5 people can’t guess what you are, you should probably go as something else. If you wanna feel sexy, because this is the one time of year you can release your inhibitions and dress like you never would the other 364 days, make it classy sexy. If you wouldn’t show your (hypothetical) children pictures of your costume, pick another one. If your costume requires the word sexy in order for it to make sense, your costume sucks.
If what you are dressing up as happens to be sexy, god speed. Princess Leia and Sandra D are fantastic examples. But don’t make something it’s not. Realize how ridiculous it is to be running around in a tutu and bra claiming to be a(n) __(insert your choice of animal here)__. Here are some other examples of insanity, notice the “subtle” sexism.
I see a watermelon and what’s left of a beach towel after a shark attack.
One of these two can tell you how to get to Sesame Street.
I mean, really? If I see you wearing this, I’m gonna have to try really hard not to punch you in the crotch.
And for anyone reading this who has no problem with the scantily clad attire worn on Halloween, imagine that’s your daughter. Or your niece. Or your mom. Or maybe it’s your son. Whatever works. Put it into perspective.
I would like to think each and every one of you would like to be respected. In the words of Dave Chapelle “you might not be a ho, but you’re wearing a ho’s uniform.” So go out there and have fun…make good decisions and try not to portray yourself as a total idiot. Happy Halloween ya filthy animals!!