A letter to my brother’s future ladyfriend

[PREFACE:  My brother insists that he’s barely mentioned in my blog, if at all. So this post, which just so happens to fall on his birthday, is dedicated to one of my favorite things on this great big Earth: Tyler Kodros.  Happy Birthday ya filthy animal!]

Dear whoever you are,

First off, I think it’s fantastic that you find my brother sexually attractive.  Speaking on behalf of family and friends, we weren’t sure girls like you existed.  So I would like to thank you for showing a general interest in volunteering to be my potential sister-in-law.  I’m the older sister.  There’s a younger one but she isn’t nearly as vocal or overprotective as I am.  She’s sweet like baby shower cupcakes.  On her worst night, she’s a Dirty Shirley which is still adorable.  I’m more of a spicy margarita…with mezcal.

This isn’t meant to send you running for the hills or to intimidate you but if I’m going to have to share Christmas with you and wear a dress of your choosing one day, consider my interest peaked.  While I respect and trust Tyler’s judgment, he once stuck a Lego up his nose to see if he could get it out.  He couldn’t.  Add that to his tally of ER visits.  He also ran around the greater Cincinnati area in a full bear costume the night of his college graduation.  So you see there’s room for concern which stems from the fact that Tyler is one of my people, which means you inevitably become one of my people.

Tyler and I are five years apart so I’ve had a front row seat to the epic show that is TKO for 29 years.  From what I recall of our childhood, he was a mimbly bimbly little kid who loved dogs, was a total goofball and always wanted to be in the thick of things.  I can’t say much has changed.  He is a natural born leader with high expectations of himself.  He’s become a man that people enjoy being around and look up to- figuratively, not literally.  On that note, I dare you to find a more solid dude.  You will fail.

I am a big part of his life.  If you don’t like me, you probably won’t like my brother.  We are kindred spirits.  We share a passion for sports, travel and booze.  In fact, when the two of us get together and tip back a few too many, you may even meet Michael and Mildred, our ‘North of the Wall’ alter-egos.  If you’ve already met one of them, I sincerely apologize with every vein in my heart.  If you feel like you’re about to meet one of them, go home immediately.  If you feel like you’re on the verge of meeting both of them at the same time, run for your life.  Honestly, we shouldn’t be allowed in public together.

We take our cheese game very seriously.  You’ve been warned.  We once got into a raging argument over cheese and crackers.  You would have thought we were screaming at each other about inheritance or politics.  Nope.  We went to sleep angry with one another.  I woke up the next morning covered in cheese and crackers.  This is when I learned you can simultaneously love and hate someone.

He isn’t perfect.  He snores louder than any creature on this side of the hemisphere.  He is also a man. That being said, he can be a real Terd Ferguson sometimes.  I’m not saying he’s dumb…but he does dumb things.  He came to visit me in Chicago, drove 45 minutes past the city and ran out of gas on the highway.  He’s the kind of guy who sends a picture of his totaled truck without any explanation or follow-up.  Anytime he’s watched Game of Thrones before me, this is what I have to deal with:

He’s the kind of guy that will leave me voicemails at 3am pretending to be someone else which, if you think about it, is ridiculous.  He’s the kind of guy who rolls down his window every time he farts on a road trip without a word.  It’s this unspoken confession.  Like I said, he’s a dude.

I hope, for your sake, you like sports.  He is definitely a fanatic.  On that note, if you’re an Ohio State or Steelers fan, please find the nearest exit.  That’s a deal breaker, mostly for your safety.  Sports are a bit of gospel in our house.  A guy asked if he could take me out and I told him he had to ask my brother.  So he did and Tyler’s immediate response was, “Who’s the best catcher in the MLB?”  My point being, in our family, sports knowledge is the equivalent of a yellow brick road.

Tyler Kodros is one hell of a guy.  He is my brother and my best friend.  He is loyal and he is hilarious.  He’s a former marine.  He dances.  He’s a sports enthusiast with a sweet little mutt named Maizey Blue.  He cooks and he likes musicals.  He’s big on family and sarcasm.  He has a nice wardrobe and a heart of solid gold.  He’s always up for a good time.  He’s a pro on the grill and an excellent beer pong partner.  Never been married.  No kids but great with them.  In fact, he occasionally babysits his friend’s little girl.  Right?  He’s hard not to love.

All I’m saying is if you were deep sea fishing and you came across this guy in the first hour, you’d call it a day.  To steal a quote from my favorite best man speech ever, ‘if he were a horse, I would bet on him.’

I don’t know who you are, but I know you’re out there and you’re one lucky lady.

Eager to meet you!

(if you hurt him, I’ll cut you)

JUST KIDDING

(no I’m not)

J xx