SHIFTing

2020 has to be, at the very least, sponsored by people who’ll put a box of Cheez-Its back in the pantry with a single cracker left inside and co-written by George R.R. Martin.  And if the ending is anything like the GOT series finale, lord help us all.  This past week, I was full on attacked by mosquitoes, my upstairs neighbor found a new quarantine “friend” – wink, wink – if you know what I mean, three of my packages went missing, I had to call the cops on a psycho woman who broke into my complex, refused to leave and intentionally coughed on me, got my period for the SECOND time in a month (so I’m extra not pregnant) and two of my favorite people moved away from LA.  You know how once upon a time you’d wake up and have to put together the pieces of your night as if you’d time travelled because you maybe had too much Captain Morgan so half your morning was spent Perry Mason-ing your life like some kind of Where’s Waldo Rubix Cube all while your parents were under the impression you were at Suzy’s house and not at a bonfire in the middle of the nowhere?  That’s how I feel about August.  How the hell did I get here and where are my pants?  I’m all about a wildcard but what is even happening anymore?  I’ll tell you who doesn’t know – our Congress.  Don’t even get me started on that pack of mutants.  If I could leave piles of cauliflower and cocktail onions in each and every one of their cars on a hot humid day, I would.

Remember I should be watching the Olympics right now?  My alarm went off on the day the opening ceremonies should have been and I almost cried.  Almost.  My soul literally hurts at the void in my life right now…and also for the athletes of course, but let’s not forget this is mostly about me.  Duh.  Even the logo was PERFECT.  So instead I watched a video of Katie Ledecky swimming with a glass of chocolate milk on her head which, honestly, was almost as impressive as her past Olympic performances.  Almost.  Meanwhile I forgot to turn on a burner and cooked nothing for 25 minutes.  (STANDING OVATION)  She’s got a great personality though, guys!  Any takers?  The silver lining is that I’ll get my favorite two weeks of sports back to back two years in a row – be.still.my.heart.  And so a new countdown begins:  July 23, 2021.  Apologies to all my friends and loved ones in advance – down into the rabbit hole I’ll go.  I’ll be on Tokyo time.  Sayōnara.

As I prepare for Half Dome (I leave in 20 days!), I want to be as physically and mentally ready to go as I can and let’s just say the past few weeks I’ve been living that Rodman life.  (I finally started The Last Dance.  I will give a full report once I’ve watched it in its entirety but so far, my thoughts are that paparazzi/media are garbage people and that there is major room for improvement on the toning in my arms).  And you all know how I do – I’m a woman of extremes – so I’m back on Whole30 in a hard way combined with intermittent fasting.  SHIFTING!  So maybe avoid me the next few weeks.  I’ll be a full blown fireball of Ursula mid Poor Unfortunate Souls proportions by sundown – don’t say I didn’t warn you.  Does murder count as an extracurricular?  I went grocery shopping and kept walking by the wine aisle, staring longingly like some kind of unrequited lover.  I’ll be back soon babe.

Speaking of babes, in an effort to be more focused, I deflated my boyfriend.  RIP Chad.  I couldn’t even look him in the face.  He’s very distracting, a bad influence and a terrible conversationalist.  Alas, it can’t be pool time all the time…as much as my heart soars at the thought.  I love water.  I love being in it, around it, under it, all of it.  Stand with me in the rain, take me to every ocean, throw me in a pool, help me chase waterfalls, walk with me by the waves and I’m yours.  All I ever want is to be in the water surrounded by my favorites with good tunes and a glass that’s forever full.  If I ever get my hands on a water-proof computer, you know where to find me.

I keep wondering when things are going to be normal again – as if normal is a thing that might ever exist anymore.  Am I just going to die looking like George of the Jungle?  On TV, when I see anyone hug or shake hands or dance in a crowd I can’t help but wax nostalgia and long for the days when those things were commonplace.  Elbow bumps and air hugs aren’t cutting it – they’re whispers of what I want.  I crave human contact.  I saw a woman getting a massage in her yard the other day and my head popped off.  What I wouldn’t pay to have someone touch me for 90 minutes.  I remember in the beginning of quarantine I said that was going to be the first thing I did when I could – get a massage and then get black out drunk in public.  I have lofty goals, ok?  I don’t know – what I do know is I put on eyeliner the other day and couldn’t tell if I looked like Heidi Klum or Pennywise.  It was like the day I got my braces off.  I was so used to seeing myself with them that without them I was convinced my teeth looked too big.  So instead of walking on sunshine and eating corn on the cob, I cried and refused to smile all day long.  #dramaqueen

On a bright highlight of 2020, ladies and gentleman, the impossible has happened. (drumroll)  MY BABY BRO IS ENGAGED!!!!!!! Which means I WIN!!  Let me explain, let’s go back.  A long time ago, my brother and I made a pact that whoever got married first had to buy the other person a gift of their choosing.  Don’t ask how any of this makes sense.  It doesn’t.  We were drunk somewhere and for anyone who knows us, I don’t think I have to explain any further.  He decided on a three piece suit.  I opted for a vintage Prada bag.  Now I’m not a designer anything person but at that particular moment, that’s where I was at.  It was a Ray a la Ghostbusters panic choice for sure.  So now I just send him pictures of it a few times a day.  Mwah hahahahaha.  I wrote this while ago:  A letter to my brother’s future ladyfriend and every word of it still stands.  I am beyond thrilled to gain another sister.  Congrats to Tyler and Kelli!!!  I am jump-on-the-couch excited for you ding-dongs and can’t wait to start celebrating!! 

And just in case anyone thought I was joking last week…

…I wasn’t.  Look how in love with me he is.  I’m such an idiot.  Also, I think it’s important to note that there’s a suitcase packed and ready to go by my door.  Someone send me coordinates.  Be there in 30.  Xx