The Plus One

For those of you who don’t know me, I’m a midwestern handful, sports enthusiast, sarcasm specialist, lover of all things magical and vodka infused, book nerd and wedding connoisseur.  Weddings are my jam.  What started out as a business transaction has now become a very expensive party in which two people celebrate their love by putting all of their closest friends in matching outfits and shoving cake into each other’s mouths.  I’ve been going to weddings since I was a baby.  Usually a guest, occasionally a bridesmaid, a one time lector and flower girl and an exceptional plus one.

I am sure anyone from the Victorian Age would be greatly intrigued by the modern day wedding.  Not only can a woman now walk down the aisle without a veil and without fear of the groom fleeing the scene, which was the original purpose of the veil FYI, but she also gets to choose her groom.  So let’s put it together for women moving up in the world! (Golf clap)  Women are no longer walking dowries which is a good thing for me because my net worth is probably somewhere along the lines of 2 Hamilton tickets and a Big Mac.  Honey Boo Boo and $cashmeoutside are worth exponentially more than me which is depressing, enraging and ugly cry inducing.

I would love to have a wedding someday…even more so a marriage. However I’m not getting any younger and I’ve come to the realization that this may not be in the cards for me. And if that’s the case, when do I get my return? I don’t get a party or a tropical honeymoon for just being me and surviving this catastrophe we call adulting? Give me a break!

Yes, I realize I’m sounding like a Carrie Bradshaw voiceover but in all seriousness, what if I never meet my person? What if he got sidetracked by my doppelgänger on the east coast or what if he really did get lost in a hay maze in the 80s? Please say I haven’t met him or, if I have, can you please let me know when I’m hot or cold? Maybe I’ll always be a plus one. Maybe for someone out there I’m THE one. (Sigh) Who knows? At this point in the game, I don’t even care if you love me. I just want a registry so I can spruce up my apartment and get that stupid kitchen-aid mixer.

There is a lot of dancing at weddings. Alcohol has that effect on people. My absolute favorite part of a wedding is during the reception when all of the couples are asked to join on the dance floor until the couple who has been together the longest is left standing. They deserve that time in the sun because those two have been through stuff. They’ve been through the tough and they made it out of the tunnels together. That dance always gives me hope in a society that doesn’t.

About 40% of marriages end in divorce.  I’m convinced I’m surrounded by a bunch of quitters.  I won’t even buy a flight if Kayak says it’s 70% sure I should.  Regardless, weddings have become quite an investment for guests.  If I was at your wedding and you are now divorced, l patiently await the gift you now owe me.  I sat there and supported you and, to be frank, feel a little lied to.  Unless you discovered the person you married is a serial killer, I’m gonna need an even better excuse or something nice for my batcave. **cough** Restoration Hardware **cough** And don’t even rebutt with anything about a plus one-I never made any promises.

While I understand relationships are hard, with all due respect and using a phrase from Clueless, does the word DUH mean anything to you?  My parents spent a good while angry with each other for reasons, if I’m not mistaken, that started somewhere around miscommunication and ended in the form of an entire backyard of chopped down trees.  Or maybe that was my dad’s midlife crisis, it doesn’t matter.  Let’s be honest, they suvived raising me which is a feat that should’ve been rewarded with a lifetime supply of grain alcohol…at the very least.  My point being that it gets tough, it’s not easy and it certainly isn’t all bubble baths and cuddles.

Tom Hanks in A League of Their Own says, “It’s suppose to be hard.  If it wasn’t hard, everyone would do it.  The hard is what makes it great“.  That last sentence always gives me the chills.  It’s beautiful.  While he’s talking about baseball, I think it’s a perfect analogy for marriage (my older brother is somewhere crying tears of joy right about now).  So cheers to finding the one who can handle you at your worst.  May the odds be ever in your favor.