Fickle Feelings

In a world where everyone’s attention spans are shrinking by the second, it’s hard to imagine how things last anymore.  Sometimes I get bored in the middle of my own sentences.  I mean I think about some of the trends I participated in with such blatant ignorance growing up and I’m ashamed of myself.  In what dimension do my hips ever need pleats?  On khakis at that?!  And let’s all forget the baggy jean thing…please.  My eyes.  It hurts.  Even my own taste buds change every seven years.  My own body betrays me and all of a sudden I’m thinking meatloaf isn’t the most awful thing America has come up with.  Who am I?  It’s almost as if we are set up for failure.  Very few things are constant, so I have to ask, what CAN we count on?

I have a closet FULL of clothes.  Hell I have cabinets in my kitchen full of clothes but alas I can never figure out what to wear because I’m bored with all of it.  Shirts and pants and tanks and sweaters that caught my eye and made me feel good about dishing out hard earned money have lost their worth.  It’s like the brand new puppy who is showered with love and adoration and then as time goes on, the attention wears off and the walks and the backyard clean-up become more of a chore than an act of love.  Even though, don’t forget, it’s what you signed up for-probably begged for.  Shiny and new.  That’s what everyone is looking for and that’s what everyone tends to prefer.  And why not?  It’s more fun!  It’s different!  It’s exciting!  But don’t forget that those feelings of jubilee will wear off and what’s left after the dust settles is what you’ve got left to hold.  Make sure it’s something you want to hug for a while cause no one wants to be a quitter.

How can I possibly believe in anything when the other morning I woke up and just didn’t like hummus anymore?  I ate hummus everyday.  I love hummus!  It’s one of the longest lasting relationships I’ve ever had in my life.  And just like that, my love affair with hummus ended and I didn’t even get a say!   Just *poof* gone.  It’s a real conundrum for me because if I can’t control my own feelings how can I bank on the wavering thoughts of someone else?  Or better yet, how do I hold on to a feeling and never let it go?  Oh teach me how to keep a feeling.

I don’t know where feelings begin and end.  The entire concept of a feeling is like trying to hold on to sand.  Feelings are explosions of thoughts that dictate why we do and say the things we do.  I have no explanation for how I can feel so strongly for one person in a world of billions.  It’s some kind of magic.  There’s nothing else like the tunnel vision that is love.  When one person becomes magnified in your eyes as if they jumped off the pages of your biography in highlighter fashion, it’s a beautiful thing.  I can’t stand most people.  I share this earth with a bunch of needy, clingy, abrasive, narcissistic, gross and predominantly selfish minded people.  So I don’t care how pessimistic you are, when two souls find each other in this shit storm, it’s majestic in ways you can’t help but be in awe of.

Feelings are fleeting.  I can’t guarantee that the things I think today are going to last through the night.  They might not even last an hour.  It’s scary to put yourself out there.  Tomorrow is never guaranteed.  People’s words, when said, are usually true but they’ve got a shelf-life.  Which is a sad thought until you realize yours do too.  Be careful what you say and be sure that you mean it.  Feelings are tiny little fairies that run up and down our veins.  They are the ebbs and flows of our days.  They bring us to life in ways that don’t always make sense.  We all make choices regarding which feelings to act on and which ones to push into the shadows.  There’s a reason we are supposed to live in the moment and be appreciative of what is right in front of us.  It may be your last shot, your final opportunity because who knows if you’ll ever feel that way again.  If you’ll ever have the courage.  If you’ll ever have the words so perfectly lined up on your tongue again.  If you’ll be strong enough to lay it all out there.  Whether you do or you don’t, trust me, you’ll feel it.  You always do.