Feeling Good as Hell

My suitcase is still sitting on my couch and I can’t bring myself to unpack it because ALL I WANT TO DO IS LIVE IN A CASTLE AND DANCE.  And quite honestly, I really don’t think that’s asking too much.  They’re all over Europe.  No one is living in them.  They’re environmentally friendly.  They’re built to protect me from modern day creeps and all around garbage people.  What’s not to love?!  I really do love me a castle.  Even when the toilet is just a hole in the floor in a side room right next to the dining room table because etiquette was to continue dinner conversation with no interruptions.  Gross.  Obviously, I would have to do some minor renovating.  From Paris to Prague, Luxembourg and all the little German towns in between, what a three weeks it has been truly.  Being on a riverboat with a bunch of people over the age of 65 is quite the experience no matter where you are.  I’ll just start with that.

My journey started with a nine hour delay at LAX.  (dramatic pause) That was not a typo.  NINE.  Four hours at LAX is torture.  Nine hours is grounds for a mental breakdown which was clearly displayed when I got into it with Delta on Twitter.  I believe at one point I said, ‘What I NEED is for you to talk to Cher and figure out how you’re gonna turn back time so I get my day in Paris back.”  I hit a wall…which is what happens when you’re stuck in an airport for almost 12 hours – I mean, that’s a threshold test for anyone.  Forget Guantanamo Bay, just send em to LAX – it’ll break the best of them.  There was a silver lining however, when I got an entire aisle to myself and slept the entire way to Paris.  Small victories.  I’ll take them.

I will say that if it weren’t for my mother, I’d probably be in jail.  The metro gate was broken and wouldn’t take our tickets and then we got accosted by some dum-dums who said our tickets weren’t valid and we owed them 50 euros each.  I am all about suffering consequences, but we didn’t do anything wrong.  He asked for our passports, I was like absolutely not.  Real talk, if I hadn’t been with my mom, I would have made a run for it.  You wanna do this for 1.19 EUROS dude?!  Put a croissant in your pie hole.  He was yelling in french and kept threatening to call the police.  So finally I’m like, ‘Call them!  I’ll call the American Embassy.’  In my defense, I was in the middle of reading I am Pilgrim – which is AMAZING and you should read it immediately – about a CIA operative who is a badass.  I was not about to be pushed around and bullied – I don’t react well to this type of approach.  Good luck to all who attempt it.  So then he mentioned something about going to jail and then Lakmé freaked out and gave him her card then I fumed for twelve hours.  And if you’ve never been around a fuming Kodros…try to keep it that way.  It ain’t cute.

Other than that, Paris was PURE MAGIC.  Hahahaha, but seriously.  On a clear day or a rainy day, it’s the city of light.  It brightens your heart and keeps you smiling.  And for every single one of you who told me the Louvre was overrated, you’re a psychopath.  I knew I wanted to go at night – that’s when they’re least crowded.  Hands down, that was was the highlight of my trip and I’m still not over it.  I think my expectations were set so low, I was thrilled.  First of all, the Louvre was originally a castle, which I did not know.  Not only that but a huge rainbow revealed itself right as we walked in.  RAINBOWS & CASTLES?!  Be still my heart.  While I still have some beef with how Medusa is portrayed, especially via Athena, I could have spent the entire day in there.  Walking through old moats, sculptures for days, hanging with Mona.  Everyone told me Mona was tiny, but I never imagined her being big so I was expecting an 8×10 max.  Our tour guide described her as being the Kardashian of Art – famous for being famous.  She was far above my expectations.  We got some one on one time and she’s 100% that bitch.  In.Love.With.Her.  She was worth the trip alone.  Je t’aime la Joconde!

Prague was by far my most favorite.  I wanna live there.  I could leave tomorrow.  I wanna sit in the square and eat trdelníks TILL I DIE.  If you don’t know what those are, they’re basically cinnamon donut cones filled with more yummy stuff.  I’m not even a dessert person but holy YUM.  I’ll take 12 more, thank you.  On the day I flew out, I got up super early to go watch the sunrise over the Charles Bridge.  For those of you who know me and how much I appreciate my sleep, THAT is how hard I fell in love with Prague.  If someone can get me to wake up before 7:30AM, know that I love you.  On my way back to the hotel I walked by a bar blaring My Heart Will Go On that I’m 99% certain was still raging from the night before and I feel like it was a sign from the heavens.  Just have to learn Czech, no big deal.

Overall, it really was a fantastic voyage and my mom and I made it out unscathed.  Mostly.  My mom’s toe might be dealing with some consequences.  We had such an amazing trip.  Fun fact.  Don’t have plans for at least two days after you get back from an overseas trip.  I learned this the hard way.  Jetlagged with my eyeballs sliding down my face, I saw Lizzo Monday night.  I mean, between Mona and Lizzo, I’m not sure who I’m crushing on harder.  I don’t think I’ve ever left a concert feeling so good about myself.  I’ve left concerts feeling good, but not quite about myself specifically.  She makes you feel okay with who you are and that’s really all you can hope for anymore.  Especially after eating ALL the bread, drinking all the bubbles and being an all around glutton.  Thank you Europe, thank you (kinda of but mostly not really) Delta and thank you mom for always encouraging me to find my next adventure.  Feeling Good as Hell. Xx

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