Version of Me

I would have been Sporty Spice.  That is said with the assumption that Drunk Spice wasn’t an option.  I love sports.  I do.  I was raised on it.  It’s one of the main ingredients to what binds my family together.  And now it’s that time of year when I wear orange and black once a week while consuming as many Coors Lights as my bank account can handle.  Why?  Because being a Bengals fan is a modern day guillotine sentence.  It’s torturous, sad and hard to watch.  If you happen to root for a football team that does this thing where they score points, CONGRATS.  How fun for you.  I have no idea what that’s like.  I will say, this year will be the first red October in 3 years which means baseball season isn’t over!  Hopefully the Cards can absorb some of that Blues magic and make it happen.  Speaking of which, hockey is back this week, so while watching football is as big a disappointment as my dating life, not all is lost.  Is it ever?  We all DESERVE NICE THINGS.

I was on hold with a sporting goods company yesterday and their hold music was Titanic’s “My Heart Will Go On”.  Worst song choice ever.  I called CUSTOMER SERVICE – the odds are not on your side already.  Don’t you want me in the happiest mood when my call is finally answered?  Wouldn’t you want to do everything you could to facilitate a smile??  But no, no-no, here, listen to this SUPER FUN song that makes you think of Leo drowning into the abyss and an entire boat of humans sinking to the bottom of the ocean.  Wow, what a great emotional journey for me while I’m calling about cycling shoes I ORDERED IN JULY.  What’s next?  Everybody Hurts by R.E.M.?  This is as close to a Yelp review as I’ll get:  Eff Paragon Sports.  Total dumpster fire.

Speaking of dumpster fires, I have a bunch of friends who’ve recently ran into their exes.  Son of a donkey punch, if that isn’t the worst.  Whether it ended good, bad, amicable, whatever – it always makes your heart find a new rhythm.  It’s easier to convince yourself how you feel about someone until they are directly in front of your face.  That’s when it gets real.  It’s a reminder of how you felt, who you were and how much further you have to go until they are truly in your past.  It’s weird to know someone is just out there with all of your secrets.  You let someone know you more than most and now, they don’t know you at all…or maybe they do, but not like they used to because you’ve changed.  They changed you.  How it ended changed you.  The time between when they last saw you and the second your eyes connected again – you were changing then too.  They know a version of who you used to be.  A freeze frame.  I am not who I was last week, or even this morning.  None of us are.

This month marks three years I’ve been single.  Uno, dos, tres.  I would not be where I am in life without that breakup.  I wouldn’t have some of the friends I do, I wouldn’t have the most amazing Galentine’s tradition ever and I for sure wouldn’t have a voicemail from Ron Howard.  One change and none of that would exist.  I think about things like that a lot.  How one decision can change everything.  How one answer can define you.  How one sentence will rearrange your world.  This is probably why I am one of the most indecisive people living today.  Everything is very heavy for me.  Any step could catapult me into the next adventure.  So yeah, I believe that the words you say and how you make someone feel matter.  I believe that everything happens for a reason.

I know a lot of people planning on a sober October and while I am tempted to join them, that’s just not in the cards for me.  Alas, I will be in the country filled with one of my most favorite things in all the universe:  CHAMPAGNE.  Sunday, I begin my voyage to France and while I wish I could tell you I’m excited, I am pretty thrilled at the idea of poppin’ bottles for two weeks.  Me the next 14 days:


A few of my friends got  a front row seat to the effects of me not having a therapist.  I think we could all use an outside listener from time to time…some more than others.    When you are surrounded by people who don’t know how to communicate, it can be frustrating.  I am known to over communicate and maybe that’s because I’m compensating.  Or maybe I am just so in love with the sound of my voice, I don’t like to shut up.  Still in debate.  For those who have forgotten, I was voted most hoarse and husky in my voice class in college.  No, it was not girls only.  #Fact  It’s what every girl dreams of really.  Being 36, I think there are things I haven’t fully processed yet and still deal with subconsciously on a daily basis.  You get to a certain point in your life and think back on it all, really ALL of it, and it’s quite a bit of stuff to sift through.  Yikes.

Also for any of you who, like one of my little brothers, feels like I drink too much, I will have you know there has been a bottle of rosé in my fridge since my birthday.  That’s almost 3 months.  So, come on down from your pedestal and join us on the peasant filled floor.  It’s a lot more fun down here and we judge each other way less because we’re all aware that none of us are masters of the universe.  Sorry not sorry my vacation persona is the embodiment of fun and you can’t handle it.

Hey, when you have the stereo and the T.V. on at the same time, how do you control the volume on the T.V.?

Why would you have the stereo and the T.V. on at the same time?

‘Cause I like to party.

-Talladega Nights, 2006

You and me both, Cal.

I am living a strange life these days.  To give you an idea of where I am emotionally, I cried watching Chicago Fire yesterday.    Financially, I am at the point where I check Venmo every once in awhile.  You know, just in case I forgot someone owed me money.  It’s the equivalent of opening the fridge twenty times before you come to terms with the fact that those are your options and this is your life right now.   My upstairs neighbors are currently playing catch with a pile of hammers…and very bad at it.  One of these days, I’m going to go up there and you’ll probably never hear from me again.  Next week, I will be in Paris where I plan on drinking ALL the drinks, eating all the cheese and having a little one-on-one with Mona.  Until we meet again!  Bonsoir!


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