That 5 Letter Word

Ladies and gentlemen, a drumroll please.  I am currently vegan.  Let the eye rolling commence.  I figured I would do that thing vegans do and announce my diet like I just won Bingo!  For the record, being vegan bothers YOU ten thousand more times than it bothers me.  #Fact  So let’s get the generic concerns out of the way.  I’m getting enough protein, eating out isn’t a problem and the reason I’m vegan isn’t because of animal rights (although it should be).  I have voluntarily chosen to be another California cliche’ minus the Scientology and size 2 pants.

I have never understood how someone’s diet can infuriate so many people.  Maybe it’s the way some people walk into a room and announce it like an engagement or maybe it’s because they don’t have someone to share dessert with.  Whatever it is, people go berserk.

Between gluten allergies and the vegan population, the majority has had enough of your dietary restrictions.  Part of the problem being that people use the word allergy as frequently and incorrectly as they use the word literally. I had a woman tell me she was allergic to anything microwaved. That’s not even a thing. I can’t begin to understand what that means and have no clue how she gets out of bed every morning.  She ruins it for the rest of us with actual situations.  I have an avocado allergy and it sucks.  Even if a spoon has touched it, I’m doomed.  I’m talking 15 hour fetal position.  I have a friend with a cilantro allergy. Technically, we shouldn’t be allowed in a Mexican restaurant together…ever.

As far as vegans go, I’m pretty chill.  You aren’t going to find me in NYC during fashion week ready to belittle anyone wearing fur with a megaphone.  I’m not THAT kind of vegan.  I’m not going to judge you while you eat your brisket.  I’m not going to rattle off a list of reasons why I’m eating the way I am while you’re trying to enjoy your hotdog at the ballgame.  In fact, I’d rather not discuss it.  I’m not going to be offended or appalled by your pig roast.  While I think it’s wonderful that people feel so passionately about something that they want to share it with the world, I have made this choice for me, myself & I.  No one else is involved in this equation except for maybe Jesus being that I do this every year for Lent.  Lord knows I’m not giving up alcohol.  And no, I don’t cheat on Sundays.

I will say, going vegan certainly opens my eyes to the ridiculousness that is my dairy intake.  If you keep up with me weekly, you are quite aware of my love affair with cheese.  I could have just finished Thanksgiving dinner but you put pizza in front of me and I’ll find the room.  It’s a sad tale of pride, unrequited love and an inoperable Achilles heel.  If it were a movie my friends would be yelling, “He’s no good for you!!!!”  And then I’d turn around and scream “But I love him!” with tears running down my cheeks as I frolicked through a meadow.  A Shakespearean tragedy no doubt.

In general, I don’t eat red meat anymore anyway, so that part is easy.  Do I miss gyros and medium rare burgers?  You bet but, unfortunately, heart disease runs in my family and we aren’t projected the longest life span.  I did some research and curbing red meat is one of the top preventative measures you can take to minimize your chances.  So here I am, 10 years later and going strong.  Although, I’m convinced that I’m going to be found in a closet one day eating a steak au poivre.

It’s good to change things up every once in awhile and actually put some thought into what you’re fueling your body with.  And no, I’m not trying to deprive you of your bacon or dictating what is good and bad for you.  All I’m saying is, like anything else, you should know what’s going on with what you’re putting in there.  See what I did there?  Educate yourself.  Oprah loves bread,  marathons are all the rage and the Whole30 diet is slowly taking over the world one spin class at a time.  Everyone has their thing.  And next time a vegan is bothering you, just throw them an apple.  They’re probably just hungry.  And stop lying about having allergies.  It’s rude.

 

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