Love on the Line

Online dating…(an abnormally long awkward pause filled with occasional eye rolling and the sound of wine being poured).  Where do I even begin?  Before anyone gets all – I met my boyfriend/husband/ex-wife/baby mama/4th love of my life online, hear me out.  I get it, there are success stories and there’s always a chance.  There’s also a chance I’ll be a size 2 at some point and that one day I’ll get over Vegas.  And let’s be real, we live in a world where this guy has a better shot of winning the lotto than we do.


If you’ve never sat and analyzed yourself and wondered how you come across to the rest of the world, I suggest you make an online dating profile.  It’s like an interactive Rubix Cube for the overthinker.  And with everyone doing their best these days not to offend anyone while simultaneously impressing the pants off of everyone (literally), it becomes a real loose game of two truths and a lie.  You know, like the guy who said he had 3 years experience serving in a fine dining restaurant except it was really 6 months at Dunkin’ Donuts.  Don’t be that guy…or girl.

You want to come off as fun but not fratty, funny but not an idiot, intellectual but not nerdy, modest but likeable, mysterious but not a murderer…my brain just went on strike and is pouring itself a glass of Jameson with a straw.  It becomes such an over-analyzing, paranoid labor that by the end of it you won’t even recognize your own writing and will hate every word because you spent so much time making sure nothing could be misconstrued.

As far as choosing profile pictures, God save the Queen. Telling someone to choose their 5 best pictures is the equivalent of telling someone they can only wear 5 articles of clothing for the rest of their lives.  Everyone needs to chill out.  This isn’t going in the obituary section.  Someone is either gonna swipe left or right, that’s it.  The goal is to share a Negroni with this person, possibly a latte-this isn’t your last hoorah.  No one wants to look at your photoshopped headshot or a picture of you with ALL YOUR FRIENDS-cause then it’s like- which one are you and is your friend to the right single too?   I don’t want to see a picture of you holding a plank, an exotic creature, or a baby- unless it’s your baby because that’s pertinent information in sussing out which way I swipe.  I don’t need a picture of you shirtless lifting weights.  Just take your shirt off.  I went to a really good school.  I can put two and two together.  In fact, keep your shirt on.  Are there no surprises anymore?

It is my belief that online dating profiles should be as accurate as a driver’s license.  If you wanna lie about your weight within a 25 pound range, fine.  But your picture can’t be filtered and if there’s more than one duckface, stop it.  Like a resume, if you’re a convicted felon, check the box.  Also if I look you up on the line and you have a bad “driving record”, it should be public knowledge, like a Yelp review.  I’ll decide which reviews are written by the mentally unstable.

I mean, whatever happened to getting drunk at a bar, walking up to someone and introducing yourself?  Call me old school I suppose.  Then, at least, you can lie to each other’s faces.  KIDDING!  Buuuuuut, don’t you think there’s a lot of fibbing involved in dating anymore?  Some people need to be more honest.  Just say:  I’m not looking for anything serious but I’m feeling shitty about myself and need attention OR hi, I have commitment issues but I’m really good at saying all the right things and keeping people at an arm’s length OR I’ve decided to lower my expectations and I would really like you to be a part of that.  Sounds brutal but wouldn’t it be refreshing?  Why do people have such a hard time with the truth?  You’re not saving anyone’s feelings but your own when you lie.  Lay it all out on the table. Be, unabashedly, yourself- isn’t that the whole point?  Also, don’t you dare show up and actually get me interested and then 6 months later disclose that you have a cat that lives at your parents’ house.  That is a GAME CHANGER in so many ways.  Sorry to all my cat folk, I just can’t.

It’s a crazy world out there.  While I personally am not interested in online dating anymore, I have friends and hear stories.  I tried it once and all I have to say is:  Star Wars tattoos.  Coming from a Star Wars lover, trust me when I tell you the line was crossed.  In all seriousness, for anyone attempting online dating, I truly support your endeavors and hope you meet your lobster.  There’s always a greater chance when there is effort, so you’ve got that going.  Just don’t ever think I’m going to let you go meet a stranger without telling me when, where, and texting me every 15 minutes so I know you’re still alive and haven’t been kidnapped and turned into a drug mule.  No one deserves that…Most everyone….99% of people I know.


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