I have a confession to make: I watch the Bachelor/Bachelorette. I also realize that makes me an idiot. In my defense, it’s more background noise while I catch up on emails, write and shop for shoes I’ve found on Pinterest that have been discontinued since 2002. But back to the point, guilty as charged. I watch this magical stupid nightmare of an ass-backwards fairytale where even an NFL quarterback’s brother can find love. I mean, if that doesn’t give you hope, I don’t know what will…(face palm slap)
Every season I tell myself I’m done and every season I prove to be a liar. One season is even more infuriating than the last. I wish I could pinpoint what it is that keeps me hooked but I am at a loss for words. I know it’s orchestrated, I know these people are 60% frauds (that’s being generous) and I know how editing can design a story of its own and yet it’s a train wreck I can’t stop watching. It’s like the past couple Ronda Rousey fights…you don’t want to watch because it’s awful but you also want to see how everything turns out for some strange inexplicable reason.
Maybe I watch because I get so much laughter out of it. How has this show not won an Emmy for best comedy? The job titles alone are getting so beyond out of control. I’ve seen chicken enthusiast, hipster and manscaper. The current season has a tickle monster, an aspiring drummer and some dingdong who calls himself Whaboom and takes every opportunity he can to yell it like some frat boy testosterone pumped swole Cartoon Network character. Why Rachel didn’t tell him to turn around and get right back in the limo is beyond me. NEXT!
The last season of Bachelorette felt like a PSA for violence. Chad, the meat plate hoover, hub of drama, and unofficial spokesman for ‘keeping it real’ on a national television show was showcased for his violent tendencies and verbal threats of physical retaliation. I’m not really sure who to be more disappointed in or for: ABC, the producers, the millions of viewers who still watch this crap, myself, Chad’s poor mother who I’m sure, even after death, does not find any of this funny, or millions of people around the world who deal with violence on this level everyday in ways I’ll never fathom.
And then, when I thought the Bachelorette couldn’t get ANY dumber, they brought Quaterback Ben Roethlisberger into an episode. Seriously? The guy who was accused of sexual assault….twice? Out of all the QBs in the league and that’s what you come up with? I’m sure a Steeler fan is reading this internally fuming that I would ever speak ill of their prized golden boy and thinking “he was never charged!” Call me a Doubting Thomas, but he lost several endorsements, settled both instances out of court, and was reprimanded by the NFL for his “innocence.” So please understand why I don’t need a judge’s gavel to assume what happened there. It’s called privilege and athletes certainly seem to get a lot of it, and not just the black and yellow.
If you do the math, these bachelor and bachelorettes choose a fiancé based on the equivalent of 5ish dates…extraordinary dates. It is completely irrational and insane that we get invested in these nightmares who are convinced they are in love with someone they hardly know…let alone in completely unrealistic circumstances while living with the rest of the ‘love of their life’s’ boyfriends or girlfriends. In a society where the quest for monogamy is as sacred as Doctor Jones’ adventures to find the holy grail, why on earth would we support this monstrosity of a single person dating 30 different people simultaneously? And the answer is, because we are all lunatics.
I wish they would have a realistic version of the show, where the average size isn’t a 2 and some of the dudes have a bit of a keg belly. Watching a bunch of models run around a mansion NEVER EATING ANYTHING all too excited to display their swimwear is hard to relate to sometimes. Do none of these people have insecurities? I’d be the girl forever in a coverup ordering late night pizza dancing on my own in the corner with a bottle of wine. I would not be participating in chicken fights in the pool throwing beach balls around like some still-frame from Clueless. I actually got excited when this one chick was so drunk she couldn’t even stand still at the rose ceremony- I was like YES! She’s a real human!
I’m not really sure there’s a lesson to be gained from any of this but I do feel as if I’ve gotten a lot off of my mind which is equally valuable. Everyone has guilty pleasures. This crap and anything vampire related happen to be mine. So cheers if you watch this clown car of a show. You’re not alone. I’m still waiting for the day when the bachelorette falls in love with Chris Harrison…now that WOULD be the most dramatic season ever.