Mrs. Brightside

First of all, I must apologize for the maniac who wrote last week’s post.  Good lord, someone put that nightmare in a cage.  She has been dealt with.  (sigh) I’m thinking I’ll be less stressed in 2026…when I’m 43.   HAHAHAHA….omg.  Anyways, here we are.  Lots to discuss.  Some lifestyle changes, some groping, a bit of unnecessary panic, grocery store pandemonium and lots of rain.  I have definitely found relief in the funny moments of my life which aren’t necessarily light at the end of the tunnel but some rays of sunshine that have found their way in.  If everything was always great, how would we ever be grateful or humble?  I’ve seen people who have always gotten what they wanted and it’s not cute.  There’s a sense of character that develops with the ups and downs and it’s those people I relate to most – they know how to survive the storm.  So when you find yourself in the darkness, always search for that speck of light, that silver lining…even when it’s rusted, even if it’s not forever.

Trying to get home from Detroit was not easy.  I got grilled at the TSA checkpoint.  You know when you haven’t done anything wrong but you’re so nervous you start panicking and your mind goes totally blank and within a matter of moments you’ve gone from a totally normal person trying to get home to a mafia member who has been hiding from the government living under a secret identity with a bag full of world-ending secrets?  Like when you’re driving along, minding your own business listening to 90s hits and all of a sudden flashing lights are behind you and you start sweating like your trunk is full of heroine.  I don’t know how it happens, but the next thing you know you’re tearing through your glove box like you’re looking for a murder weapon.  Yeah, that happened.  So she’s asking me a thousand questions with a face of stone and I immediately decide I’m probably going to end up in jail in Detroit.  Great.  I was tired, I was wearing my glasses – I wasn’t sporting my A-game you know?  It’s not living your best life when your ID looks better than you do in real life.

So I managed to get by the inquisitor and then my pants created a security breach.  And why wouldn’t they?  I walked through the metal detector thing and saw on the screen there was a giant yellow square over my crotch.  I asked, “Is that my zipper?”  She goes, “No, your thighs are touching.”  I’m like, “Well, yeah.  They do that.”  Wrong answer.  Next thing I know she’s asking about private rooms and this and that and then her hands are literally IN my pants.  And what’s more fun than being groped in public while your friends making catcalls in the background?  I suppose it depends on if you wanted to be groped.  She didn’t even ask for my number.  Rude.

Now I’m back in LA for a good chunk of time and I’ve decided amid all the chaos of the new year, along with millions of other people, to focus on my health.   While my sister tells me no one wants to hear about it and to eat my salad and be miserable, misery enjoys company and also shut-up.  So get excited because you better believe I’m going to talk about it.  I’m on day 4 of the Whole30 and having the time of my life (please note sarcasm).  “What can I eat?” you ask.  Ummmm…not much.  At this point, I’m just gonna suck on grapes and hope they ferment in my mouth and turn into wine because life without alcohol is BORING.  This reflects no judgement on you or your lifestyle but this lady requires liquor.  People ask me if I wanna hang out and it’s like…and do what?  Stare at each other?  I mean let’s be honest, I am my best self when I’m 2 drinks in.   If I consume wine with a spoon, is it considered soup?  I can do anything for 30 days – that’s what I keep telling myself every time I open my fridge and see that bottle of champagne peering up at me just wanting to be loved.  I’ll be there soon honey.

And on that note, real quick, can we please discuss some of these recipes on Pinterest?  I found a recipe today and was like, yum, that sounds good.  I clicked on the link and 40 ingredients later I was like – who are these people out there making $300 casseroles?  I know I’m saving money not drinking but AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!  I don’t know who you people are, I don’t know where you come from, but PUMP it.  This isn’t a Laura Ingalls Wilder show, okay?  I’m trying to make something out of myself over here, not die making my own cream of mushroom soup from scratch.  That’s not how I wanna go down, no thank you.  Aye aye aye.

I was at the grocery store the other night loading up my cart when this announcement came over the speakers:  Attention, Ralph’s customers, we are currently unable to take credit or debit cards at this time.  We are working to fix this and apologize for the inconvenience.  Cue Armageddon.  I’ve never seen anything like it.  If I could have sat down and watched while eating popcorn, I would have, but all I had was grapes.  Employees running around like the store was being attacked by dinosaurs.  Couples arguing.  Solo shoppers muttering to themselves.  Everyone going through their purses and wallets like Oliver Twist.  Carts full of food left abandoned up and down the aisles, baskets scattered all over the place.  No one knew what to do and I’m just sitting there eating grapes, trying not to laugh.  Attention foreign countries, we can avoid a nuclear war.  If you want to beat America, just take away their credit cards.  It was like being in an episode of the Walking Dead.  I’ve never seen anything like it.  I may or may not have taken advantage of the chaos and went through the self-checkout lane and bought organic broccoli for the price of regular broccoli.  ‘Cause I’m a gangsta.  I paid for the grapes, calm down.

I encourage you to do the things you think you cannot do.  Whether you think you can or you can’t, you already know the answer.  Wish me luck as I continue this horrendous journey in an attempt to love myself and maybe look a little hotter than a toaster on bagel mode.  It can’t hurt, right?  Ugh, has it been 30 days yet?  This is going to be the best Valentine’s Day of my life.  The day champagne and I will be reunited again – the best lover a girl could ask for.  This Sunday I will be making a vision board over tea and carrots.  Who am I?  I feel like Mrs. Nesbitt from Toy Story.  I will say this:  It is nice to be able to control something while being bombarded in every direction.  Not in an unhealthy way by any means, but this is my choice that I’m making for me.  It’s also good practice for saying no.  I also want a piece of pizza.  And I will…in a few weeks.  Always look on the brightside.