Eye of the Storm

Well January, you came in hot.  I can quite honestly say the majority of the time I have no idea what’s going on.  Between writing, reading, funerals, work, group texts, weddings, drama for yo mama and engagements, all I can do is throw my hands up in the air and hope the wind carries me away to a land where people cook and exercise for me.  I believe I told my mother on the phone, “I just want people to pretend I don’t exist for a month.”  If you’re thinking to yourself – she seems a bit frazzle dazzle today, you win.  I am having a hard time understanding where time goes.  I’d like to buy a vowel and a week of my life back.  I wanna Cher this thing and turn back time.  My face has turned into a scaly man fish.  My apartment looks like a crime scene –  either that or it looks as if I’m dabbling in hoarding.  I don’t feel like I’m doing anything right.  Super excelling in feeling inadequate.  Three cheers for me.  But don’t you worry, a shaman told me I was full of magic so nothing else matters anymore cause I’m basically a unicorn on two legs.  I AM MAGICAL.  I hope that’s what you got out of this paragraph, cause that’s what I got out of this week.

In all seriousness, I was minding my own business and a man told me I had magic in me and he could sense its energy.  I mean, who doesn’t want to believe that?  I don’t know what this means as far as my life path or lottery tickets, but it made me feel good and I’ll take that with wide open arms.  I think that’s what so many people are in search of through all the hussle and bussle – we just want to feel good about ourselves and we all find that in many different, sometimes detrimental, ways.  Lately I feel like I’ve been tied to a bumble ball and let loose in a daycare.  Save me.  In spite of all of it, this morning I left my phone at home and went on a hike.  Did I have the time for said hike?  no.  Should I have been doing other things?  at least 20.  But I did it because that is what this girl needed.  I am notorious for being the worst at selfcare.  I am making a conscious effort to be better.  I encourage you to join me.  We are pulled in so many different directions every second of the day, don’t forget to make time for yourself.  I am beginning to understand why Hemingway had bungalows far away from society and life in general.  I love all of you – dearly in fact, but you are very distracting.  Did I mention I’m magical?

I am writing and creating more than I ever have before and still I am constantly wondering if it’s enough and how I can do more.  I don’t know, quite honestly, if anything I ever do will be good enough for me and that’s a terrifying thought.  There’s a new movie on Netflix called Bandersnatch where you essentially choose your own adventure.  So now I can not only continue ruining my life at the speed of light but I am now able to ruin this other kid’s life as well.  In my efforts to help him succeed, I’ve ended his life tragically…twice.  Sorry, Stefan.  In my defense, it was an accident. And then I start thinking, ‘is this what I’m doing to myself?’  Am I doomed?  Are we all masochists?  I know I’m indecisive but let’s hope I end up in a better place than Stefan from Netflix.  This movie mostly just made me wonder if there was a pivotal moment in my life that defined my destiny.  Did I make a wrong choice somewhere along the way? – probably thousands.  I told you, my head is in wacky-town.  I want to be satisfied with my ending.  I want my ambitions and pursuits to amount to something – so I hope that I’m choosing my correct adventure.  Fingers crossed I suppose.

Even as I write this, I’m realizing that I need to chill out.  Trust me, I’m aware.  No one wants to chill out more than I do.  I just get caught up in it all sometimes.  There’s a song by Everclear – yeah I said Everclear – bringing back the 90s HARDCORE (insert peace sign here).  I’m old, okay?  Anyways in the song, it goes You always try to be everything to everyone.  I have never been more guilty of a lyric.  I have got to stop putting myself last.  You gotta stop and smell the roses once in awhile.  Drop everything you’re doing, stand still and breathe it in.  I find in my circle we are all running around doing this and that.  From the second we wake up till the time our heads hit the pillow again, every second has been accounted for with things you have to do.  It’s time to start doing the things you want to do.  You have to put yourself first every once in awhile.  Last night, I spent 45 minutes after work looking for an earl gray candle on the line because I wanted to and I refuse to let myself feel bad for it.  Call me selfish…(but don’t, cause I’ll take it personally and then get a complex and then be ultra paranoid about it and then obsess over all the ways I’m not selfish and then wonder if I really am…it’s a merry-go-round of madness up in here).  Find your chill, find your zen, find your eye in the storm.  Believe that you’re magic. xx

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