Sweet Sorrows

While all of you are prancing around pumpkin patches and indulging in apple cider being basic WITHOUT ME (rude), I'm dealing with some real shit over here. My beloved Lean Pockets have been discontinued and now life has no meaning. And for those of you thinking, 'you shouldn't be eating that crap anyway' - YOU... Continue Reading →

Not Yesterday

Well it's happened.  My emotions have boiled over.  I've finally reached the crying portion of quarantine.  I legit can't stop and I know I'm behind in this trend and a lot of you have been crying everyday since March but someone grab a life hammer and save me from this snowglobe of tears.  I typically... Continue Reading →

Awfully Amazing

Saw a man walking down the street in a mask he had crafted with a Crown Royal bag so I really think America is finally getting it together.  Then three seconds later a bee kamikazee-ed his way into my breakfast while a bird took a shit that landed inches away from my elbow.  10 minutes... Continue Reading →

The Best We Can

Ever feel like you're walking through life blindfolded in the dark searching for a pinata without a bat?  Asking for a friend.  The universe has always had my back but I feel like she's testing my limits these days.  Keeping my eyes peeled for that silver lining like a hawk.  I know I'm not alone. ... Continue Reading →

The Price of Love

Remember the year Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt stole MLK day?  Oh my good lord, can everyone calm down?  They're not getting back together.  Ever.  Just like Obama isn't going to be president again.  The time has passed.  Move on.  Are we all forgetting that Brad cheated on Jen with Angelina I-wore-Billy-Bob-Thornton's-blood-in-a-vial-around-my-neck Jolie and then... Continue Reading →

TIN YEARS

Ladies, gentleman, toddlers and peasants - it is with great pleasure I share with you that today is my 10 year anniversary in LA.  One long and tumultuous decade ago I consumed way too much vodka, said goodbye to a city I love very much and boarded my one-way flight to LAX.  No place to live. ... Continue Reading →

No Fair

It has been A WEEK.  I'm writing this on day 3 of a fever so I'm hopped up on narcotics and pretty much delirious so proceed with caution.  I was thinking about Game of Thrones as the series comes to an end and a lot of this could have been avoided if any of them... Continue Reading →

Stuck in this Place

I can only hope that one day when I win an Oscar, whatever comes out of my mouth is poignant, bleep-less and spoken without a piece of paper that looks like a CVS receipt.  God, who doesn't want a little more Olivia Coleman in their life?  The first hostless Oscars in 30 years - which... Continue Reading →

Stuck in a Moment

Oh.  My.  God.  If you haven't fully indulged in the musical masterpiece that is Celine Dion's It's All Coming Back to Me Now, stop what you're doing and watch the music video NOW.  You're Welcome.  Grab a snack - it's over 7 minutes long.  My friends and I rediscovered this song on a road-trip to... Continue Reading →

Kryptonite

May it be marked in history that last night this girl had the craziest hankering for ravioli of all time.  That's all I could think about.  My current gluten and dairy free gotta-fit-into-that-bridesmaids-dress-diet does not allow Italian treats.  OR any treats of any kind for that matter.  [insert single teardrop down my cheek]  Can't my... Continue Reading →

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