The Great Escape

In an effort to embrace life, be a little kinder to myself and enjoy the company surrounding me, I pulled a Houdini and vanished for a bit. In signature style, when I put my mind to something, I’m all in. I really went for it. Did some mountain stuff, chased some waterfalls, did some sun stuff, relocated poolside, spent an exorbitant amount of time on a pizza floatie. I even wore a two piece – and for those of you who know me best – this is a V big deal. I don’t think my midsection has seen the light of day since the Clinton administration. And there isn’t anything quite like laying out and waking up to your mother panic gasping and seeing a giant black snake slithering your way. To be clear, I MIGHT hate snakes more than Indiana Jones so there was for sure a moment where I froze in fear, had an inner meltdown and then blacked out a little before a man with tattoos came out of nowhere and saved the day. Not all heroes wear capes. Some of them are drinking mules by the pitcher and chain-smoking at 10 AM. So I’ll have to lay out with one eye open until forever BUT, here is where it gets interesting: Snakes are actually symbols of rebirth, transformation, immortality, and healing. (insert Twilight Zone music here) I don’t believe in coincidences. I’ve been going through it lately and the ‘cash me outside’ girl made A MILLION DOLLARS in the first 6 hours on her Fans Only page which has made me question pretty much every decision I’ve ever made so I’m really taking this as a sign that I’m moving in the right direction – full speed ahead. Life has a real funny way of having your back sometimes. It also has a real screwball way of shoving things in your face when you’re trying to avoid them. You’ll be minding your own business and then it’s like – This song?! Playing here?? NOW?! Why are you attacking meeeee????

I realize many of us are going through what may be defined as an existential crisis. The past year has been…taxing to say the least. I don’t think anyone saw this coming, but let me just say this… There’s nothing like being stranded at the airport and having to stay the night to appreciate your entire existence. I was all excited to go home, order take out, catch up on all my shows, or ‘stories’ as my sister likes to say, and then Delta slapped that idea right out of my hand, waved a finger in my face and was like ‘nuh uh uh’. My flight was delayed for 18 HOURS, every hotel was booked and Ubers were $100 just to get in the car. I was freezing, I was starving, this old man was snoring – possibly louder than my brother – and what I wouldn’t have given to teleport to my batcave…or just a blanket…I’d have settled for a blanket. Cause you see what happens when you use expired sunscreen is you get fried and then your body radiates heat to overcompensate and you feel like Rose, at the end of Titanic, on the floating door thinking about how you just let the love of your life sink to the bottom of the ocean. PSA – use sunscreen…specifically the kind that isn’t expired. It matters. I don’t know why I have to learn everything the hard way. Like when I didn’t believe cars could actually run out of gas. They can, in case you’re curious. This ship can’t sink! – Oh I assure you she can, sir, and she will.

During my siesta, I read about 12 books and someone had the audacity to say I have way too much time on my hands. Um excuse me, but I love reading and it’s how I like to spend my time. It’s how I escape reality – which hasn’t exactly been a bowl of cherries so excuse me while I disappear into the fiction that is keeping me at bay and giving me life. Between books and Buffy, this is where I find my most consistent joy. And this brings me to my soapbox of the day. (throat clear) Do not let anyone project their negativity onto you in any way. There are people out there who do this thing where instead of dealing with their shit, they deflect it onto you in an effort to not feel so alone. All it will do is pull you down and you will forever be walking on eggshells in an effort to cater to whatever mood they’re in that day and what’s crazy is they will make you feel like YOU are the one with the problems. You aren’t. They’ll make you feel like you’re asking for too much when you try to hold them accountable for the things they said. You aren’t. They’ll set you up just to knock you down over and over. Be gone. Ain’t nobody got time for that. You know those evil beings that suck other people’s souls for energy? They’re like that. You have to do and surround yourself with what makes you happy – don’t ever let anyone, and I mean anyone, stomp on that glorious confetti-filled parade of sunshine. Keep skipping down that yellow brick road – straight for that horizon. Your happy is yours and unfortunately attracts cruel intentions. Be vigilant. (end rant) Anyone else need a drink?

Given the state of the world, I hope you’re carving out the space to get away. It’s important. I know I crave adventure more than the average lady and have cultivated a life around it. Monotony is my prison. I’m not your cookie cutter girl. But dare I say, everybody could use a break once in awhile. Life is a lot. Add other people and it’s full on explosion of too much. Dash on emotions and finances and relationships and trap door me right the F$#@ out of here. I know it sounds ridiculous but Zack Morris really had a good thing going when he could time out whenever he wanted. You know how many times I say or text something and think to myself – who was THAT? Sometimes it’s like someone else entirely has taken over my body as if the real me has gone on strike and refuses to participate. It’s exhausting to an ‘I can’t keep my eyes open’ degree. Get me out of here. Sometimes we need the nearest exit. Enough is enough. It’s your fight or flight moment. The great escape. It’s your instinct to survive. What’s important to know is that you can’t live there. It’s a temporary retreat. You can’t avoid what’s real forever. Life is not a movie and sometimes endings aren’t happy. So silence your phone, get out of the house, take a breather, rejuvenate and then get back in there. I feel like a butt slap belongs here – not sure if that’s PC anymore but it feels right.

My body clock is in full on rebellion mode. What else is new? I’ve been asleep by 9 everyday since I’ve been back which means I wake up in the middle of the night and then my brain gets going and it’s a spiral from there. Super fun. However, I will harness these thoughts and string them together in nonsensical order to end my babble. Turns out my mother had no idea what a burpee is. I then had to explain and demonstrate my second least favorite exercise which led me to the realization that I’ve clearly done life wrong. I actually did a workout the other day that had me doing one-legged burpees. Talk about yikes. I think it’s also important to mention that my future sister in law was eating ice cream cake at 8:30 in the morning. She stays. And just a quick note for dudes on dating apps – your grocery store meat section selfie isn’t going to bring the girls to the yard, ok? Ugh, god help me. On a completely unrelated note, why are surfers so incredibly attractive? And if you’re feeling crumby or inadequate, just remember the U.S. men’s soccer team didn’t qualify for the Olympics for the THIRD TIME IN A ROW. Embarrassing! My light at the end of the tunnel right now is the Olympics – I don’t know how they’re going to pull it off but apparently it’s happening and my soul could positively burst. Protect your heart. Sometimes you gotta do what hurts the most. It’ll feel like the end of the world. It’ll consume you entirely. It’ll turn you into someone you’re not for a minute. And you’ll think it’ll kill you but it won’t. I promise. I’ve run the stats – you’re good for it. As always, please remember to be kind to those who feel differently than you. And a thousand times YES, please redo the last season of GOT – how is this even a conversation?? Give the people what they want!! And if you got nothing from any of this, go buy a pizza floatie. You’re welcome. Xx

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