The Disney Princess: Deconstructed

 

 

If you managed to escape your childhood Disney free, you should buy more powerball tickets. Seriously.

The odds are, if you’re reading this, you had a Disney filled upbringing. And who doesn’t love a Disney story? We all did.  The enchantment of rags to riches, the best friends, the exotic locale, love that knows no bounds, and happy ever afters. Every boy wanted his own genie and there was this idea that no matter where you came from, you were special. There isn’t a girl out there who can say she wasn’t enamored at one point or another with a particular Disney Princess.

However, There’s a reason you don’t lead the life of a Disney character and it’s very simple: it’s unrealistic. And here’s why…

CINDERELLA

And THAT, my friends, is what would happen to a glass slipper after a night on the town. But let’s pretend that you prance around all nimbly-bimbly like a skilled ninja. Sure. Then you meet a man, fall in lust and vanish into the night without telling him your name.  You were in such a hurry you left behind a shoe. I can say with absolute confidence that no woman would ever do that unless she was in blackout mode. I’m not even a shoe person and I wouldn’t do that. The dude you fell in love with in a matter of hours after what appeared to be a lot of ballroom dancing and minimal talking can’t find you on Facebook or any other form of social media.  So naturally, captain dingdong’s plan is to find the girl whose foot fits into the shoe that did not disappear with the rest of the magic (plot hole). Worst.Plan.Ever. The “love of your life” is just a shoe size away?? I’m no detective but why wouldn’t you just find the girl with the opposite matching shoe? And for the love of God, Cinderella, emancipate already!! You’re 19!! Go get a degree or make friends that aren’t mice. You’re exhausting.

SNOW WHITE

 

No one is going see this living situation and be like YES!!!! Get my name on that lease!! This is a craigslist ad gone wrong. ‘Secluded studio available. Wood burning fireplace. Smaller doors. Owner(s) on site. Female preferred.’ I can’t imagine any teenager willing to live with 7 tiny men…in the woods…parading around as their mother figure with no intent of getting a job. The bathroom situation alone would be a nightmare. I suppose if I was in the witness protection program it could be an option.

JASMINE

You can’t just go running around with an unleashed tiger. I think if we’ve learned anything this year it’s that tigers will kill you. (It’s not too soon) They are not pets. They don’t want to be domesticated. They are hungry and your head fits in their mouth. Would you try to tame a dragon? The mother of dragons can’t even tame her dragons.

BELLE

Stockholm Syndrome. Need I say more? Belle was held captive in a mansion by a giant beast of a young man who locked her father in the basement. She became friends with several houseware items, shared a few meals with him sitting at opposite ends of what looked like a 50 yard long table, put on a dress he bought her and somehow fell in love. No. Next.

ARIEL

I mean…cmon. Her entire look in reality would be a mess. None of this fluffy sex monster wet hair waving in the wind crap. For starters, she’s a terrible friend.  Sebastian is a crab one of her BFFs and then she makes google eyes with Eric and is all too excited to stuff her face with seafood!! The a!! And she’s a quitter. Ursula took her voice and it was like all other forms of language ceased to exist. How about a PEN & PAPER??!! Maybe she didn’t know how to write, although she did sign her name for Ursula so I’m trying to give the girl credit where it certainly isn’t due.  The entire basis of Ariel’s story is you have to change who you are for a man. Why couldn’t Eric become a mermaid? That option certainly was never discussed.  What happened to the sea and life where it’s better?!  She’s a turncoat and a nancy.

RAPUNZEL

Do I have to explain this? If you ever get locked up in a tower and feel confident in using your hair as a fire pole, IT’S TOO LONG!!!!! Stop It.  You’ve gone too far. It’s weird and impractical.  If your hair could get caught in an escalator-it’s too long. If it goes past your butt, beyond the cheeks-it’s way too freaking long. How do even you brush that?  This isn’t Downton Abby, you don’t have Anna to do it for you.  And forget about straightening it. This can’t be a choice. Stop being selfish…buy some scissors and donate to Locks of Love.

 

Still wanna be a Disney princess?  How about just be you 🙂  Nobody has it all.  Except for maybe Kate Middleton.