Coming to you live from 2020! It’s been a minute and I will explain everything. This would have been posted earlier today but someone was learning how to use a drill all by herself. I now have a train station-esque clock set to a permanent 5 o’clock which is ironic as I’m on day 3 of 30 with no booze. There may or may not be random holes adorning my apartment walls now. So much character in such a tiny space. And a quick PSA for any of you thinking about it, DO NOT BUY ANYTHING OFF OF INSTAGRAM. I learned this the hard way after I received my package from China 4 weeks later and had to dispute the charge with my bank. When asked what the shirt looked like, my response was, “garbage”. No matter how cute you think it looks, don’t do it. So much to catch up on. Where do I even begin?
You know how you’ve seen movies where people accidentally do drugs and you’re like – what a bunch of idiot sandwiches? Well rewind a few weeks ago when I ate a brownie, thinking nothing of it, and then an hour later felt like my face was melting off of my head. WTF. Cause what’s more fun than tripping out by yourself in the middle of the night? Answer: EVERYTHING. Everything is more fun. So be vigilant out there people. Don’t act like I never told ya. It’s also really cool when you come home and your brother has better hair than you do and looks like he belongs on the cover a Viking romance novel…if only he didn’t wear Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle pajama pants 95% of the time.
Christmas was pretty fun. Let’s see, I gained 45 pounds, saw Mannheim Steamroller and WISHED I was on edibles, upset the whole family by drinking too much red wine, read a bunch of books, ate a lot of yummy meals with the fam, did I mention the 45 pounds?, sang a lot of The Greatest Showman and had a lot of very interesting conversations with little people – AKA my friends’ kids. One kid asked me if I had any kids to which I said no. He asked if I wanted any I said I wasn’t sure. He asked ‘why not?’ I said, “Well, buddy, I’m getting kinda old and having a difficult time trying to find someone to love me.” His mom and I started laughing hysterically. He stared at me, straightfaced, and goes, “That’s not very funny.” Smart kid. I was upgraded from an aunt to a fairy godmother, which was very exciting. My first words of advice were ‘it’s not worth winning if you can’t win big’ a la Mighty Ducks as I watched her cheat her way through Candyland. My family and I and my bro’s gf (bless her soul) crushed yet another escape room. We saved Roosevelt from being assassinated in a train car and ‘saved all of Europe and mankind’ – their words, not mine. No big deal. And now I know what it’s like to have to save somebody’s life I don’t like. Maybe I should have gone into the CIA afterall. We were still arguing when my mom opened a door and said, “We did it.” We didn’t even realize it. Over 11 minutes to spare. I get so competitive with these things I actually get anxiety I don’t know what I will do if I ever lose. I am not good at losing…ask my mother.
2019 has come and gone and I must say it was a doozy. If you don’t follow me on social media, I did the ‘TOP 9’ which shows you your top posts of the year. Here was mine:
…which makes my life look hella cool. Social media has that effect. While 2019 has certainly been a year of change & growth, it has been equally challenging and peppered with some of the lowest lows in my life. The camera doesn’t always capture the whole story. Remember that. And now there’s something called Tik Tok…I am done. I am the old lady saying this is enough. It’s too much.
I went to a wedding on NYE. It was beautiful and magical and gay…literally. Only thing missing was food. So I rang in the new year throwing up in the bushes and then proceeded to wake up in my dress and coat. 2020 here I come. I did make a vision book at the beginning of last year and everything on it came true minus my lumberjack. Apparently I need to be more specific. So this year’s vision book is going to be VERY PRECISE – down to measurements, temperaments, sports affiliations and cat ownership. I was under the impression that being too picky was a bad thing but I’ve learned to treat my heart like a members only club: gotta be picky. You can’t just be letting Steelers fans into the mansion, ya know? Sorry, Clark.
I do this thing when I go out of town where I submit all of my maintenance requests, so they’re finished by the time I get home. Big news – THEY PUT GROWN UP BLINDS IN MY KITCHEN! The only blinds I’ve ever had in my apartment are the psycho rapey ones – you know the kind: vertical and the worst. So this is a huge deal for me. They are beautiful and change the entire look of my apartment and I can’t stop staring at them and I finally feel like a real adult woman in the city! Speaking of women in the city and keeping to trend on talking shit about J-Lo, I just want to congratulate her on being nominated for a SAG award for a pole dance…cause it wasn’t her acting. Yikes. That movie was not what I wanted it to be. If you’ve already seen Hustlers, you’ll know what I mean when I say my heart goes out to Gary. Poor guy.
Just before the end of the year I received a call. The kind that makes your heart drop into your stomach. The kind you never saw coming. The kind you wish you never got. Another friend is gone. I was crouched down against my mom’s car in the street and all I kept thinking to myself was ‘is this my life now? Who’s next?’ One day you have all of this love for someone and this diluted idea that there will be more time and then the next day they’re gone. We celebrated Andy’s life hard – as he would have done for any of us. I like to think we made him proud. He was an amazing human. It really is true only the good die young. And now there’s another bear in the sky…and I will forever hear the White Stripes a little differently. Goodnight Andy.