Well I’ve done it again people. The death toll in my apartment is on the rise. This time it was an aloe plant which means a few things. A – I’m a certified idiot capable of the impossible and B – I have no business owning a plant. So I did what any other serial killer would do and walked myself to the nursery to find new plants to murder. The plants all shriveling in fear. And I don’t think any of this would bother me except that…I’m supposed to have kids one day? I have friends with children and friends who want children and friends who are obsessed with the idea of having children and I’m just over here like – there is a dead cactus (my original kill) in my kitchen to remind myself of the monster living inside of me. If there was a contest for motherhood I would be in close to last place, perhaps only being beaten out by Casey Anthony and Joan Crawford. Real talk.
And now that I have friends who have been through pregnancy and I know the truth of it all…uhhh, no thank you. You said what happened down there?! And let’s be honest, I recently didn’t drink for 30 days which might be one of my top 10 accomplishments in this lifetime and now you’re asking for 8 MORE? HA! You shut your filthy mouth. So at present, that’s gonna be a hard pass for me. And for all the dudes out there – how about YOU get pregnant for once? Seriously though, congratulations. Zero consequences. Unbelievable. Cause last I checked, the female orgasm doesn’t cause pregnancies so that seems fair. What a life you live. I would love to talk to whoever orchestrated all of this and suggest some amendments. Starting with but not limited to shaving, that monthly jam sesh and the logistics of pregnancy. I mean what did we ever do to you? We are super sorry about that apple thing but in our defense, Adam is a little bitch baby. He could have said no. But he put the you know what on a pedestal and now here we are. Thanks a lot you two.
Growing up is hard. I’m still recovering from St. Patty’s which, for me, ended before sundown face down on my friend’s kitchen floor. Classy Jen over there acting all fancy. Keep me off the streets, for real. I filled out my March Madness bracket and with two games down it’s already a wreck. This year my bracket is based on a lot of upsets and pipedreams, much like my life. Then I have my sister saying things like, “I hope they lose…by a buzzer beater.” Savage. But as my brother and I agreed yesterday – anything can happen. That’s what makes life so interesting – there’s a little bit of magic to it. And I’d much rather be kept on my feet than knowing what’s around every corner. Surprises are life’s little sparklers. But if you’re going to surprise me, just surprise me. Don’t tell me there’s a surprise and then when I ask what it is, which I will, say ‘you’ll have to wait and see’. That’s not a surprise anymore. I don’t want to know about the surprise before the surprise – that defeats the whole point. And then I get major anxiety and turn into Kristen Wiig with half a sweater in my mouth.
Nobody wants anxiety. Anxiety sucks. I once got anxiety so hard I passed out in a Chili’s in the Jacksonville airport and then had to be taken to the hospital because my blood pressure was too low to get on a plane. I was so out of it, I decided to tell all three MALE paramedics that I probably just had my tampon in too long and had TSS. Reason #457 to keep me off the streets. Who says that?! I just remember this one paramedic had a toothpick in his mouth that he kept flipping around and as soon as I said that the toothpick went to a dead stop. Showstopper. That’s me. Anyways, there is a lot of change happening in my life and I have had a LOT of anxiety about it. To the point where I feel like I’m in a constant state of ‘I’m about to projectile vomit everywhere or maybe pass out or both’. It’s not a fun feeling and I’ve asked a thousand times for her to go away but she doth persist. The last time I felt this way was after my breakup. It’s the worst feeling. It’s like all of your insides are slithering around looking for a way out. I’ve had a few panic attacks in my day but in general, I’m a pretty chill lady. Some might say too chill. I am not easily riled, I’ll put it that way. I’m riled.
Things are going to happen and you’re not going to believe it. You will be surprised, you won’t believe your eyes, your world will be rattled and that is what is so stunning about being alive. Go out and do things that make your heart pump a little harder, that send your veins aflame and that make your skin smile. Do the things you think you can’t do and revel in the moments when you do them. Spend time seeking your happy. This life is our story and it’s up to us to make it a tale worth telling. Find your adventure, reach for the moon and give in to whatever it is that brings you to life. One day you will find yourself over the rainbow where dreams really do come true – trust it, breathe it and LIVE. Don’t ever forget to live like you mean it. Remember that anything is possible. Maybe I will have a kid one day, who knows. Anything could happen. Even to you.
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