Distractionz

I’m going to be one hundred with you.  I woke up this morning and not a single word was written for this week.  This is not typically my M.O.  I wish I could tell you I’ve been busy spending my nights as a vigilante, trying to make this world a better place, but I’m afraid the real culprit would have to be holiday gatherings and espresso martinis.  Alas, it is with regret I tell you no capes were involved in my procrastination.  My apartment is only called the bat-cave because it gets very little sunlight.  Ask all my dead plants.  In my defense, Captain Black Lips (yes, I name all my plants) was murdered by a can of lentils that fell out of the cabinet.  It was horrifying.  Let’s be real, how am I supposed to save the children when I can’t even save a house plant?  It’s been a real whirlwind the past week and my undiagnosed A.D.D. is going strong.  I have a flight in less than ten hours and there isn’t a single thing in my suitcase.  Everything is just fine.

I was on the phone with #lakme and she has entered this really cool place in her life where background noise is the only thing she hears in a conversation anymore.  I’ll be in the middle of what I think is a very riveting tale but then I open the fridge or go to get a glass out of the cabinet and she’s all ‘What’s that?!’  As her second favorite daughter (she has 2) I imagine this should be expected, but after some considerable thought I realized I am just as easily distracted.  Possibly more so.  My attention span is becoming a bit of a glacier as of late and by that I mean it’s melting away.  And I’m not sure what’s worse.  The fact that I am slowly turning into my mother or that my mind is like a four year old at a carnival after eating a funnel cake.  That’s not a jab at my ma, it’s just when you spend a good portion of your life believing someone is trying to Cinderella-stepmother you and then you actually become friends and then all of a sudden you are involuntarily imitating their mannerisms and habits, it’s a lot to process.

The end of the year has proved to be very distracting and, let’s be honest, I don’t need more distractions in my life.  This is coming from the girl who spent about three and a half hours watching fan-made youtube videos about Buffy and Angel.  And if you’re judging me right now, which you should be, some of them were actually very impressive.  Sometimes I’m late for no other reason than the fact that I got out of the shower and stared at the ceiling for thirty minutes in my towel instead of getting ready.  I was once late meeting up at Disneyland because I walked by a tattoo parlor on Hollywood Boulevard and decided I needed two more.  Who does that?!  And if you have any idea what a tourist trap, dumpster fire Hollywood Boulevard is you are, without a doubt, questioning my sanity.  It’s really touch and go lately.

My days are now spent trying to remember what I was supposed to do.  At my age, that is terrifying.  I open tabs and forget why, I walk into rooms and can’t remember what for, I’ll go to text someone and forget who.  I will open the fridge no less than ten times in the same hour as if something magical that wasn’t there before will appear.  As someone who is pretty confident in the memory department, it’s like a part of my brain has stopped functioning.  When I told my mom this, her response was ‘this is just the beginning.’  Thanks ma.  And I could sit here and blame it on the aging process.  I know I’m due for an eventual meltdown of the mind.  I know that my youth won’t last forever.  I know that one day I’m going to want to eat dinner before the sun goes down every night and be really confident in that choice.  While all of this is true, I have to point a finger at society as well.  Focus is really hard to come by anymore.  I know this because I saw a grown man with a fidget spinner…and he was serious.  He also tipped me less than 10% in coins.  He’s also single.  Shocker.  There is nothing less attractive than a man who doesn’t know how to tip…except maybe a man who needs a straw.  Gross.

I think the end of the year brings about a buzz in the air.  Between the gifting and the purchasing, the traveling and the ‘oh, she got me a gift?  Crap, I need to get her a gift’ and the baking and the wrapping and the feasting and the boozing and the make my ears wanna go Beethoven caroling, there’s an overwhelming amount of a lot going on.  Being focused at all requires a concerted effort.  A guy told me he was ‘useless’ without his phone.  To that I say this:  if you are useless without your phone, you need to revamp your life, sir.  My phone does not define me.  If it did, I would be in big big trouble because my phone doesn’t even ring half the time when people call me.  That’s just who she is and I’ve accepted it.  As we approach the new year, I encourage you to be present, stay focused and to find comfort in your immediate surroundings.  Easy on the bitmojis and the instagramming and the filtering and the tagging and the checking in…just take a minute and BE.  After all, where you are and who you’re with is the most real thing happening in your life.  Reign over the kingdom you keep!  Be the Queens and Kings people talk about for centuries.  Be historic.  And watch out for espresso martinis.  They are delicious but they come with consequences, headaches and recollections very similar to an unfilled page of ad libs.  Merry Christmas to each and every one of you…thanks for your time, love and support always…xx