All the Feels

It was brought to my attention recently that I possess several qualities similar to that of an empath.  In a nutshell:  sooooo many feelings.  Call it emotional, call it sensitivity, call it vaginal, call it whatever you want but it’s exhausting and astronomically burdensome.  I feel things ten times more than the average human.  It should come with a cape and a lifetime of free booze.  In all honesty, I’m a bit fearful that at some point all of my emotion will slowly take over and I’ll end up shaving my head and running around town hitting people with umbrellas.  It could happen.

I don’t read my horoscope everyday or necessarily believe in all that but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I’m the walking definition of a Cancer.  A water sign symbolized by the crab who wears her heart on her sleeve.  A tough exterior that does its best to protect the sensitive Sally within.  I’ve mentioned before I’m essentially a walking teardrop.  I know that if I haven’t cried in awhile, I’m due for a meltdown.  Hence why I cry for no reason from time to time.  I cry when people are mean, I cry at least once every single episode of Grey’s Anatomy (yes, I still watch-judge away), I cry when I see an old person alone at a grocery store, I cry every time I hear Hero by the Foo Fighters, I cried on a flight to Australia while watching Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights….true story.

I have at least 10 tabs open on my web browser at any given moment…MINIMUM.  I love making lists and sometimes I write things down I’ve already done just so I can cross it out.  Free therapy.  My mind is an endless game of pinball.  I have all of my thoughts which range from Glenn Close Fatal Attraction crazy to George RR Martin fantastical to John Lennon profound.  Then I have my thoughts about other people’s thoughts, which is essentially pointless but so is CandyCrush and that doesn’t seem to stop anybody.  It’s a crazy jungle up there but if you’re lucky, I’ll let you into my cabinet of curiosities.

When I love, I love hard.  When you are one of my people, I will fight to the bloody death for you 300 style.  I’m more eager to come to someone else’s defense than I am my own anyway.  I am extremely intuitive.  I know when someone is lying, even when they don’t.  It’s a gut feeling that has a very sordid past with my heart.  My intuition is always right.  Every.single.time.  I’m a fixer.  I’m a caretaker.  I’m a safe haven.  I’m a dreamer who believes in others twenty times more than I’ll ever believe in myself.  It’s a problem.

I’ve been criticized throughout my life for being indecisive in all things:  life, love, career.  Let’s be honest:  I can hardly choose an outfit half the week and thank God for Netflix because Blockbuster was an epic labyrinth of hell that ended in late fees.  I don’t like making decisions.  I never have.  I’m a firm believer in the Magic 8 Ball.  Making a decision means I’ve made a choice and making a choice is very final which ignites a sense of terror in me.  If my decision affects other people’s lives…forget about it.  I’ve already mentally Usain Bolt-ed to another continent.  I am not a fan of dictating anyone else’s life for them.  It gives me 2016 World Series game 7 anxiety.  In the rare instances I do make a choice, I am all in.  I don’t make decisions lightly.  If I say I don’t care, I truly don’t.  When I say something, I mean it.  Every word.  My Achilles heel is that I assume others do too.

What I am learning is that I need to start taking better care of myself.  What I believe about myself is a hundred times more important than what anyone else thinks.  Belief is more powerful than you’ll ever imagine.  You know that feeling when someone else has your back and believes in you?  It’s duster blowing in the wind, walking on sunshine type of feel good.  It’s a high that makes you feel like rainbows and champagne exist for your enjoyment only.

When you know your faults and vulnerabilities, you’re much harder to conquer.  As much as I’d love to know what not caring feels like, that’s not me.  It never will be.  I gotta feel the feels because that’s who I am and some people think she’s pretty great.  Xx

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