FALL in Love

Maybe this is me admitting I’m a basic bitch, but Fall is my favorite time of ever.  Coming from a girl with a summer birthday, that’s a bold statement.  I love the crisp air, the early nightfall, the flannel, the fireplaces, the blankets – I’m into it, okay?  It’s also that time of year when I have a 1/3 year crisis because winter is coming and 2019 is waiting for its time to shine like Michael Myers in a closet.  It’s a real paradox.  So many emotions.  Cause 2018, what exactly was all of that??   It’s perfect weather – not too hot that you want to melt into the pavement the second you walk outside and not so cold you can’t feel your face by the time you’ve gotten to your car.  It’s Goldilocks just right.  It’s perfection.  Fall makes me smile like the man I’ll never find.  Football and apple cider and boots and the World Series and layers and hockey and crockpots and gloves and teacups – be still my sugared and spiced heart.

Fall is a magical time for sports.  Unfortunately, baseball season ended earlier for the Cards than I’d hoped so I’ve moved on to football.  I’m a Bengals fan.  I always find myself having to explain my sports affiliations so in case you’re curious, we moved to Cincinnati before the dome was finished in St. Louis.  Hence, Who Dey!  And the Bengals have done exactly what I thought they would do.  Raise my expectations only to smash them in my face like some kind of eat shit pie.  Being a Bengals fan is like getting back together with your ex over and over again because ‘he’s changed’ and ‘this time it’ll be different’ and it goes great for the first couple of weeks and then he does that one thing you hate and you get suspicious he might fall back into his old ways but he assures you he won’t and then he makes up for it with some really over the top ‘got me swooning’ gesture.  And then you wake up one Sunday morning and BAM!!  There he is!!  There’s that piece of crap you knew he was all along who breaks your heart into smithereens every single time even though you told all your friends it wouldn’t be like that again and actually had a glimmer of hope that he’d actually got his shit together.  Then you’re stuck sitting there wearing Halloween colors like some kind of idiot cheerleader…AGAIN.  Ugh, this team kills me.  I love them for the men they could be…perhaps this is a theme in my life.  Help me.  Hockey season it is.  Go Blues.

Fall always reminds me there’s more to come.  It’s like a prelude to a beautiful song.  It’s a dance, it’s hope, it’s calming.  Fall always makes me more productive as far as doing the things my soul craves.  And what better time to fall (get it?) off of the face of the earth and disappear into a book?  I just got so turned on writing that.  But for real I’m reading a book series that I cannot keep my nose out of (Throne of Glass Series) and all this life stuff happening is super hindering my progress.  Can’t you see I’m busy?!  Nerd alert.  I had an ex who used to get so mad whenever I disappeared into a book.  In retrospect,  I imagine being made to feel like you are less entertaining than a bunch of paper binded together would be mildly insulting but forgive me for going on an adventure he didn’t quite understand.  I will know I’ve found my guy when he makes me want to put a book down…or maybe he’ll understand my craving and read along with me, or beside me…or just leave me alone in unwavering understanding until I find my way back to Earth.  Some people have cats, I have my books.  I’ll die in a library of words laced together by poets with a smile upon my face.  So be it.

Fall is a time of assessment.  A time to look back with the knowledge that there is still room to move forward. For me, my priorities have changed.  Change is good – it is progress, it is growth, it is finding yourself – which I’ve come to discover you do again and again in a lifetime.  My writing has become a much bigger part of my everyday life.  I don’t chat with friends as much throughout the day and I have chopped my TV watching immensely – it needed to happen, trust me.  I’m not as available as I once was, because I am prioritizing ME – which is something I’m still having a hard time with because it feels so selfish and indulgent.  Alas, life is a battle and I can’t just drag myself through it…and neither should you.  It’s easy to get caught in the crossfire.  If you’re feeling a little beat up or like you need a break – GO.THROW.AXES.  Don’t ask questions, just go do it.  It’s so cathartic it’s unbelievable.  And maybe that’s the neanderthal inside of me coming up to say hello, but I’d be a liar if I said I didn’t feel like I could take on an entire army afterward.  Kind of like walking into the wind wearing a duster in slo-mo kind of feeling you know?  Like marching towards a wall of fire with no defense but your own hands and a face void of fear.  I’m going into the rest of the year like that.  Who’s with me?


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