The Purple People Eater is a song that was #1 on the Billboard pop charts for 6 days in 1958. It’s a song about a one-eyed one-horned, flying purple people eater who comes to Earth to join a rock band. And that is my inspiration behind the purple hair. I’m kidding. Not about the purple hair though. Yes, I look like an anime character and feel like a human My Little Pony. I’ve been talking about doing this for a very long time and it felt like the right time. You only live once, right? Purple hair, don’t care. My favorite are the responses because there is a very clear divide between the people who are shocked and hate it and the people who are shocked and love it. It’s not permanent and everyone who sent me OMG texts can calm down. It will fade into a beautiful lavender and then you will understand my vision. It’s also appropriate since I’m going to see the USWNT play at the Rose Bowl on Saturday. Boo ya. When I was getting my hair did, my hair queen, as per usual, asked about my dating life. “So is it just going to be single Jen for the rest of my life?” To which my response was, “It’s an option.” I don’t think there is anyone who worries more about me dying alone than she does…and that’s including myself. It’s comforting and sweet.
In most cases, I am an extremely indecisive person. It’s a real deficiency I’m dealing with here. It’s not that I don’t have opinions – I think we are all aware I do – but usually I just don’t care. I don’t care where I eat, I don’t care where I stay. I am the girl that will gladly sleep on the couch. I am the type of person who will buy a one way flight and then figure it out. I like to let other people get and do the things they want so much that over time, I’ve just let decisions be made by others because it’s easier and lord knows I don’t like stress. Too many decisions send me to the brink. It becomes this whole thing and it consumes me and before I know it, I’ve got 33 tabs open on my browser trying to pick out the perfect napkin. I don’t make decisions often, but when I do…I turn into a total spaz. I have a certain friend, I think we all do, who will say she doesn’t care so then I’ll finally lady-up and offer 17 suggestions and they all get brutally rebuffed. So it’s like, what’s the point? I received a decision maker for my bday. I like to give my brain a rest when I can. She’s tired. So tired.
Speaking of tired, is anyone not having a baby? Every time I get on social media, it’s either an announcement you’re having a baby, you just had your baby or updates on the ones you already own – meanwhile I’ve kept a plant alive for over a month and have raged and won a war against fruit flies in my own apartment and never felt so accomplished in my life. I also burnt a chicken breast because I forgot I was cooking it and managed to break a toilet seat. Checks and balances, people. I like to think I’m doing my part in population control. I was on the beach with a group of friends, one of whom just had a baby recently. Someone was like, “Oh, my ovaries are pounding.” I thought to myself – mine are not. Not even a little bit. Am I broken? A lot of women my age have this maternal need they are trying to fulfill and I just…don’t. They are cute to look at and I love them but I am not on a mission to make one of my own. At this point, I am just trying to get out of my apartment without leaving my straightener on so I don’t burn down the building.
My friends and I had a very serious conversation about kids the other night. They asked if I wanted kids. My gut instinct was to say yes. That’s what you’re supposed to say. As a woman, that’s what my body was designed to do. We are told that’s our purpose. But I’m not really sure anymore. Maybe I haven’t met the person who makes me want to procreate and start a family. Maybe that’s a part of the puzzle that’s missing for me. I have single friends who want to adopt and find ways to be a single mother and while I support them 100,000% and love them for knowing what they want, to me, that sounds like a lot of work. But so does pregnancy. Terrifying. So I told them all of these thoughts which basically boiled down to, “Not today, but maybe someday.” Then they asked me why. I had a lot of trouble answering this question because I don’t really know why anyone has kids except that’s the next step. If you aren’t in a relationship, it’s ‘well are you dating anyone?’, then you finally find someone that makes you wanna rage at Bed, Bath & Beyond and it’s ‘When are you getting married?’, and then you finally bite the bullet and do the whole charade and cut the cake which is a literal representation of cutting the hymen which no one talks about but I’ll move on and it’s ‘When are you having kids?’. How about you let me live my life, BRENDA? How about you stop trying to put me on the assembly line of life and just be happy I’m not a prostitute, huh? Do I get a party for that? NOW will you send me monogrammed towels?! For the record, I do not want a monogrammed towel. Ever.
So again, why do people have kids? Well…I think sex helps. Beyond that, the only real reason I could come up with was to continue a legacy. But are kids the only way to leave a legacy? If I grow up and never have kids, have I failed at being a woman? And here’s the thing, I’ve never TRIED to have a kid. In fact, my life is very much based on the prevention of kids but I would be lying if I said it wouldn’t phase me if my doctor told me I was unable to have kids. I would be devastated. I don’t want that option to be taken from me yet, at the same time, I don’t know if I’ll ever choose it. It’s a weird paradigm for a lot of modern day women. Will we or won’t we? From what I’ve gathered, kids result in a lack of sleep, money, sanity and your body. It’s like having a drunk friend you have to chase around, scold and apologize for. No inhibitions or manners, speaking in tongue, throwing shit all over the place, sticking whatever they can in their mouth – and yet every single person I know with kids tells me it’s the best thing that ever happened to them.
So I don’t know if I’ll have kids, but in the meantime I DO have purple hair and am not mad about it. I feel like a unicorn. I should probably, oh I don’t know, find a boyfriend before I start the great debate about kids but I like to think ahead. Apparently I am at the age where I am supposed to know what I want but I’m beginning to understand no one really does and this whole adult thing is a giant sham. Also, note to anyone trying to date a woman: Maybe the first night you meet her and attempt to show interest, don’t talk about her boobs for 30 minutes. Just some friendly, statistically proven, COMPLETELY OBJECTIVE advice! Hotdog Nation, I swear. Gross. It’s past midnight. My neighbors are vacuuming. Now is definitely the time to vacuum. Yes. I’m just waiting for one of them to collapse through the ceiling into my apartment. One of these days…