Back to back posts. WHOA! So unpredictable lately. In news that is going to make you want to punch me in the face with a bucket, I just realized that Tom from Succession is also Mr. Darcy and I’m still sweeping up the pieces of my mind because HUH?! And I am very aware I’m late to this party, as I typically am, so my hand is raised. Yes, I’m an idiot – guilty as charged. Whatever. But also how is TOM WAMBSGANS MY DARCY?! I haven’t cried in awhile – maybe this is the push over the ledge I need. Is anything sacred anymore?! I have closets, drawers and cabinets full of clothes and I like 0% of them – except for maybe my new Star Wars t-shirt. Open to any and all advice on how to fix this financial problem. Because of this issue, I’ve been on the hunt and shopping is fun these days…if you’re into crop tops. Hi, I’m looking for NOT a crop top. Go fuck myself? Sure thing. I’m just not a crop-top kind of girl. When will 1890s fashion make a comeback? Huh? Will fashion ever be on my side again? I need the Renaissance woman back on top in a very serious way. Speaking of on top – an Australian brothel is offering adults 30 minutes of free sex in exchange for getting the jab which makes me think of Grease 2‘s “Do it for America”. So yeah – you’ve got options people. In other points of interest, I’ve realized that my new sister in law has pushed me further down the ranks in my mother’s list of favorites.
If you don’t know, there is the woman who is suing Kellogg’s for not having enough strawberries in their pop-tarts. The first time I read this headline I laughed it off and thought it was very on par with the ding-dong who sued McDonald’s for hot coffee. Upon further research, however, I think this could be the beginning of something very important because she’s actually on to something. And I’m sure some of you are thinking ‘oh my god, this is it – she’s lost her mind’. Let me be VERY clear when I tell you that I lost my mind ages ago. If you’re just now putting that together, you’re either an extremely unobservant person or in denial of who I am. So hear me out. You can see this story at surface level as completely crazy…OR…you can see it as one of what I HOPE will be an onslaught of legal repercussions holding companies across the globe responsible for false advertising. After about 5 seconds of recon on strawberry pop-tarts, the list of ingredients is mostly garbage with this smashed somewhere in the middle…’Contains Two Percent Or Less Of Dried Strawberries…’ among a myriad of more garbage ingredients which leads you to wonder how they could ever advertise it as having strawberries at all. I think it’s also important to note that these types of products, of which there are THOUSANDS, are all approved by the FDA which should give you some insight on my opinion of their “stamp of approval”. Now there is another angle to observe this story and it’s ‘who in their right mind thinks that pop-tarts are an excellent source of fruit’? Also valid. But I think there’s a bigger point being made here and maybe I’m giving the lawsuit far more credit than it deserves but LFG!! It’s how I feel about all these loopholes seltzer companies went through in order to boast zero sugar in their products when there IS for sure sugar in 99% of them – just called by a different name. What are we doing here? Why is this ok? Literal food for thought. The lawsuit is starting at 5 million and I’m anxious to see how it all pans out because this could set a precedent for labels, advertising and food manufacturing companies’ protocols and accountability moving forward.
And on that note, I’m not some health saint throwing shade on anyone’s eating habits. If there’s a food that’s bad for you out there, I’ve probably eaten it. I remember Dunkaroos. When I was little there would just be milk soaked sugar left in the bottom of my bowl of Cheerios. I have been known to drink Mountain Dew on roadtrips (and am full on aware of how disgusting that is). Cheese is my arch nemesis and yet I can’t stay away. I could go on for hours. I’ve struggled with food my entire life – but that’ a topic for another day. My point is that I do think it’s important we all know what we’re eating and it’s predominantly sugar. And what feeds off of sugar? Cancer! This isn’t coincidence. Allergies didn’t exist until GMOs came onto the market. Connect the dots. I wasn’t even aware of the sugar infiltration until I started doing Whole30 and that’s my ignorance to blame. But now that I’m aware, it makes me head want to explode because it only adds to the constant search for truth which is slowly becoming harder and harder to find. If we continue to throw a blind eye, reality will just be buried further and further below the surface. And I realize they aren’t full on lying, but isn’t omission or withholding evidence equally as bad? I think Olivia Rodrigo has an entire song out there about it. If she thinks life at 18 is brutal – just WAIT girlfriend! But back to my point, somewhere along the way, integrity disappeared and was replaced with the greed and mass production of corporations. And it’s gotten to the point I can’t ignore it anymore but I also feel helpless in fixing any of it because they’ve built themselves around laws that protect them and now have so much money they can squash the majority of what comes at them with settlements and whatever else to keep their reputation publicly pristine. (sigh) I miss the simple days of my youth. I was not meant for this century.
I got my palms read at the Magic Castle and before anyone yells ‘I can’t believe you paid for that’ like my mother did – I didn’t. Please calm down. Even if I did – it’s not your money so hush you butt. So anyways, I was told that I had a very long life ahead of me and I was like ‘Are you sure? And can I exchange it for something else because I’m not interested.’ She confirmed I did which made me question the validity of the whole thing because my family doesn’t last long. We just don’t. I kept telling my sister-in-law that there would probably be a lot of RSVPs from our side of the family considering we are only ever usually together because someone died. Sad but true. Only the good die young. It would be my luck that in a family who predominantly doesn’t make it past 60, I would last till a hundred-five. That’s going to be a huge no thank for me to any of the powers-that-be listening! I was also informed that I only have 2 great loves in my life and that they don’t last long which then sent me into a mental tailspin cause it’s like – well did I already love them? Have they both already come and gone? Can you define ‘great love’?? Are there visuals that come with this reading? And I realize lots of people think zodiac and tarot and palm readings are hocus pocus – but as with all things, to each his/her own. Is it weird I’m not sure if I’ve already met one of the great loves of my life? Is this one of the things you should know? Does pineapple pizza count? Should I start taking applications? Could any of my past relationships be considered great? What is great anyway?
great /ɡrāt/ adjective
- 1.of an extent, amount, or intensity considerably above the normal or average
Have any of my relationships been above the normal or average? I mean, who is to say? Is there a scale or graph I can look at for comparison? I honestly don’t know. I think I confused love with other things. I put certain relationships on pedestals. I guess what I am saying is I hope not but who is to say? Is this on a bell curve? It would just be nice to know in very solid terms what I have left to work with or look forward to or if I can start wearing sweatpants in public. Sometimes you get signs from the universe and it’s like – could you be more specific?! You’ve seen me bake – I don’t follow directions very well.
I’ve been writing this while watching one of the dumbest movies I’ve ever seen. This girl is drinking what looks like blue curacao on ice with a straw and this guy comes up to her and is like – rough day? And now I can’t stop laughing because of how ridiculous that line is because it’s like – do I need to be having a rough day to be sitting at a bar by myself having a drink? What if this is just what I like to do on Thursdays? It’s like no, sir, I’m actually having the best day! Stay on your side. I would warrant a ‘rough day?’ if I was surrounded by empty shot glasses in pajamas in public. Paul Rudd is the sexiest man of 2021 according to People magazine – are they still relevant? When is the last time you bought a magazine? Remember magazine drives? – and I fully support it. The man looks younger than he did in Clueless – I don’t know what he’s eating or doing or bathing in, but give it to me. My only wish is that women who weren’t the typical prototype of sexy were also being given justice. I want the female equivalents of Paul Rudd and/or Pete Davidson to also be valued as MVPs on the streets. If there is one out there that I’m missing, correct me but I can’t think of a woman that people are like – why are all these men attracted to her? Which only goes to prove my point that funny men are glorified and funny women make men terrified. I was legit broken up with once because he said, and I quote, ‘I hate that you’re funnier than me’. And this is why we can’t have nice things, people. And this is also why I am no longer allowed near Leos as potential partners with Scorpios coming in a very hot second. And if you’re an Aquarius take your hot and cold emotional threshold and please fuck directly off. Pisces? How about you go serial kill your life away like the rest of your kind? And that’s my zodiac assessment for the day – you’re welcome. I’m a professional and everything I’ve said in this paragraph is true and you’re welcome for the reading. I take donations. (I am not legally responsible for anything said in the last few sentences)
On one final and very important note, It’s Veteran’s Day. To all of the men and women who served this country and continue to do so in and out of uniform – especially but not exclusively to those who are near and dear to my heart – thank you. Those words have never felt so small.
Sincerely,
My mother’s now 3rd favorite daughter
Xx
Also – if you plan on purchasing anything from Amazon as the holiday season approaches, use the link below. I’m trying to figure out how to monetize this site without charging so bear with me as the tech world is not my forte…I’m sure I’ll have it figured out by next fall…thoughts & prayers
**RETROSPECTACULAR** 
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