The Superbowl Experience

Sports are important to me. We know this. So obviously these past few weeks have been heaven. The 2022 Winter Olympics are WILD. We got slopes next to nuclear power plants, athletes asking for food mid-interview because they’re starving, failed drug-tested athletes being allowed to compete to the dismay of pretty much everyone (guess what country they’re from?) , quarantined athletes being treated like criminals in Alcatraz (the pictures of the food they’re being served are TERRIFYING), questionable disqualifications, a guy from Russia skating around like Jesus, shitty fake snow, Johnny Weir’s hair – there’s a lot to process. During the opening ceremonies, Putin sat there unmasked, which I personally found hilarious because it was kind of like – yeah, that tracks. So every Olympics I get excited for the cauldron. It’s my favorite part of the opening ceremonies because, let’s be honest, it’s predominantly a bunch of people walking around in very expensive warmups while volunteers dance for them for three hours before they watch a show no one would ever understand without psychedelics or an explanation – which always makes me wonder what the athletes are thinking because they don’t get the commentary like we do at home. So Beijing drops this giant snowflake representing the world and I’m thinking…YES…the entire cauldron is a flaming snowflake. This is AMAZING. And then they put the torch in the middle of it and it raised up…and I waited…and it kept going up…and I waited…and nothing. That was the Olympic flame. Beijing did not understand the assignment. And to prove my point, Exhibit A: Cauldrons of the past.

And then we have whatever the hell you want to call this disappointment. Get your binocs. I’ve built bigger fires in my back yard. F-

So I just need to rage about something before I move on. This Russian drug testing BS is ridiculous and keeps getting fishier by the moment. I don’t care if she’s 15. I don’t care if her coaches are to blame. It is an offense to everyone else who tested clean and is a mockery of the precedent that has been set. She testified that it must have been cross contamination with her grandfather’s medication…HUH?! Has no one heard of a dishwasher? Who is sharing a glass with their grandparents anyway? And beyond that, who crushes up their heart medication? Do you live in a drug den? Not to mention it’s recently come out that two OTHER heart-related drugs, both legal, were found in the same sample…I mean COME ON. You’re 15 – you don’t need heart medication ma’am. Because of her age, she’s considered a “protected person” and I say that in quotes because she’s been drug tested for years. This isn’t a new concept. She’s 15, not an idiot. In fact, she will be 16 in less than a few months and this wouldn’t even be a conversation. I’m not understanding the logic of letting her skate. It was a middle finger to her competitors. And because she finished in the top 3, there wasn’t even a medal ceremony because the IOC is concerned that she could still be banned after a full investigation of her doping case. HOW DOES THIS MAKE SENSE?! Representing a country, none the less, that’s already on probation for doping. I mean, let’s call a spade a spade. Different flag, same bullshit. It’ll be interesting to see how all of this pans out and my heart (pun intended) goes out to the athletes who were directly effected by the fuckery of this decision.

So I did a thing on Sunday. I went to the SuperBowl. If you follow me on social media, you know that. What a lot of you might not know, is that I didn’t have a ticket. Not before the game. Not at the game. Not ever. And this is predominantly because I don’t have five grand to spend on a football game because I’m a working class American. Who does? Apparently 70,048 people which I believe was the official total attendance. What they don’t know is that number should have been 70,049 because on February 13, 2022, I snuck into the Superbowl. I realize that’s the equivalent of Nic Cage announcing he’s going to steal the Declaration of Independence. It sounds crazy and impossible and something that could only happen in a movie. Even I still can’t believe it but I assure you it happened. I was going no matter what. I reached out to all my sources – probably overreached. Some people straight up laughed at me. Others ignored me. There was no way I wasn’t going. I don’t know how many more times the Bengals will be at the Superbowl in this lifetime, if at all, so I was either going to the Superbowl or going to jail.

I don’t want to get into too much detail of the HOW except for that it was a long game, required miles of walking and stealth ninja skills. I am very appreciative of a worker who saved my life by giving me a water bottle – did I mention there was a heatwave and I hadn’t eaten or drank anything all day because I thought a city would know how to tailgate when THEIR OWN TEAM was in the superbowl?? Spoiler alert – they do not. I’d also like to thank a family of Bengals fans who showed up when and where they did. They have no idea what they did for me and never will. It really was a perfect storm of things that needed to happen at the same time. I managed to get myself to the Club Level with the help of some friends who had tickets down there and got a seat to myself after explaining to security that I have claustrophobia (I really do). I think it’s important to point out that I accomplished all of this without affecting anyone else’s experience. I also went through the health check – calm down. Then a dad and his daughter sat next to me and not only offered but insisted they buy my beers. I know – what?! They also fed me tator-tots. Not gonna lie, I did begin to wonder if I was being groomed. I took my chances. On the other side of me was a photographer who was taking pictures of all the celebrities and kept showing me. Got to scratch seeing Eminem live off my bucket list. It truly was a magical day and cost me a grand total of less than $100. I was getting texts and messages and I was too scared to check them because I was afraid they’d be spoilers to the game and I had to keep reminding myself I was there. The only bummer was that the Bengals lost which I guess was great for Stafford and the 14 actual Rams fans that were there. It was so fun to be surrounded by so many Bengals fans in LA – I’m usually alone. VERY alone. After the game, I ended up on a bus with all of the Rams’ family members who had just got off the field from celebrating – don’t ask, I don’t know. It was a crazy day I will never forget. This will go in a file with my dead cactus – I am capable of the impossible.

Now if I could only get Jason Momoa to have dinner with me. My man has joined the Fast & Furious franchise and I’ve never seen a single one of those movies in my life. I’m trying to figure out how many I need to watch to understand what’s happening because, at this point, there are 47 of them and I’d like to watch none if possible. It feels like a Gone in 60 Seconds that won’t die. Is it like Grease where they race for papers at the end of each one? Are there serious plot points I need to be aware of? They’re just fast and they’re furious because they all like the same chick? (please hold) Okay, so I just did a quick google and from what I understand, there’s basically a bunch of heists and an undercover agent/cop/DSS/etc is always somehow involved but never does their job and always let them go at the end because they’ve fallen in love with someone on the heist team. There’s also some amnesia and a lot about revenge and children we didn’t know existed and why is Helen Mirren involved in any of this? Alright, well I think I’m caught up.

I really hope this blog isn’t used as a confession and I get arrested. I would like to think there are bigger threats in this city than a poor person trying to watch a football game. Apparently some people were shocked Snoop smoked weed before the halftime show. I assume these people also believe that Frozen is based on a real story and that Epstein actually killed himself. Snoop Dogg would be on the Mt. Rushmore of cannibus connoisseurs. The man is permanently high. Much like Miley and Pete Davidson or ‘Skete’ as Yeezy is calling him these days. I saw a post and it said ‘Is everybody losing it these days or is it just me and Kanye?’ – I felt that. In other news that’s way more important, Prince Andrew settled out of court and that sucks and you should care because a lot of names were going to come out in that trial – POWERFUL MEN’S NAMES – who are the real villains in this story and have received essentially little to no repercussions because they are protected by their friends and their bank accounts. I want justice! Well I can’t end on that note. Yikes. I guess I’ll end with this message, which no one is ever going to get because these people don’t exist, but dear Rams “fans” – please learn how to tailgate. Sincerely, all of Cincinnati and anyone who has ever tailgated in their life. If you got anything out of today’s read, let it be ‘she believed she could, so she did.’ Never tell yourself you can’t do something Xx