girl problems

Being a woman is bullshit. I hate to break the news , but we aren’t gonna run the world. Not at this rate.

It’s quite enough that somewhere along the way it was decided that we need to decorate our faces and nails but let’s not forget we basically bleed to death twelve times a year. It’s insane.  While I don’t ever use PMS as an excuse for my mood, cramps are vey real.  They’ve tried to kill me on the monthly for 20 years now even putting me in the ER because I was unable to stay conscious. I essentially have an assassin living inside of me who goes Manson every 28 days.  Cute.  For whatever reason, all of the hair on a man’s body is completely fine where it’s at, with the exception of back hair – fix that. Women, however, have to get rid of 70% of theirs in order to feel remotely attractive.  And let me tell ya, brazilians can watch the movie Aloha on repeat with their eyelids taped open…and I thought Krasinski could do no wrong  We sacrifice our bodies, happy hour, and sushi so that children may be born!!!  We are walking miracles who have the capabilities to push tiny humans into the universe to grow up and make shitty decisions in college.  It’s more expensive to be a woman. FACT. It’s more time consuming to be a woman. FACT.  And we do all of this in heels because who wouldn’t want to be running around on their tippy toes like a 5 year old who has to pee at a carnival?  You get it. Being a woman is a job in itself. So THANK YOU gentlemen for the libations and occasional dinners. THANK YOU for letting us skip to the front of the line and not pay a cover.  YOU’RE WELCOME.  And before anyone gets all crazy thinking I’m man bashing….I’m not.  In fact, this has nothing to do with men at all.

So all that being said, ladies, can we please make a valiant effort to, at the very least, like EACHOTHER?!

I grew up to the tunes of Destiny’s Child, TLC, En Vogue, The Spice Girls, & the Dixie Chicks. They were fierce and it made being a girl feel like a statement. They weren’t trying to impress anyone. They were shamelessly loud.  Where did they go? I can’t even name a relevant girl group right now. And now that we’ve heard about Becky with the good hair and all of the bad blood and the need for a squad, I’m quite honestly exhausted. Women are awful to each other. The judgement happening in a room full of women is suffocating. We all do it.  Including you.

Women have a natural connection which we all too quickly throw out the window when her dress is too tight or she looks like she tried too hard on a Tuesday or she can’t walk in those heels or she ate a whole pizza by herself IN PUBLIC.  Just shut up!!  Being a girl is hard, let’s not make it harder my friends!

Be supportive, tell her she looks great or you love her dress/lip color/hair/jacket/smile, don’t let her leave the bathroom with a train of TP or wardrobe malfunction, have each other’s backs, stop fighting over dudes, stop talking about her behind her back, don’t be jealous of her success or her triumphs, let the term “frenemies” be put 6 feet under, don’t EVER let her cry alone – even if you don’t know her, and stop being a part of the judgy, materialistic, bitchy, hunger games culture that has become women.  Only THEN, will we rule the world.

Drops mic.