How is everyone holding up out there? We doing ok? You shaved your head yet? Figure out what anyone is talking about? Everyone good on tissue products? STILL haven’t bought TP by the way. Couldn’t even if I wanted to because some of your friends are (said in a whisper) batshit crazy. I was laying on the couch last night when a rumble made its way through my apartment, followed by its freight train of a mother. Earthquake. I should be used to them by now but I’ve never reacted this way. I sat there frozen with no pants on and my heart racing and it’s like – I need a much better gameplan…or a gameplan of any kind really. My friend said she ran out of her apartment and I was like – no, no, no – that’s like running UP the stairs in a thriller movie. And then I explained that you only run outside if there’s a tornado. Then you find a pipeline and use your belt to tie yourself to it. Everybody knows that. I am obviously kidding and that’s the plot from Twister and if you didn’t know that already, no dessert for you today.
Well, your girl isn’t allowed to eat gluten, dairy or sugar anymore because she does not have a single shred of self control and can no longer have nice things. It got out of hand, guys. REAL out of hand. There are chips in my apartment. I don’t eat chips. There’s a Cherry Coke in my fridge. WHY? I haven’t had non-club soda in my fridge…ever. There is a tub of rainbow chip icing in my cupboard. WHO AM I?! And then I woke up to discover the woman currently living in my apartment (me) drank 16 beers in one night so this 36 year old is grounded until further notice. I’m on double lockdown. So if you thought I’d lost it already – just wait. Shit is about to get REAL on Detroit Street.
Whilst in my rabbit hole of debauchery, I finally indulged in the nightmare that is Tiger King. What.the.f#$%.did.I.just.watch? I mean, there aren’t really any words. If you haven’t watched and plan to – skip to the next paragraph. These people – which is a strong word – I mean, how they all found each other is whatever the reverse of kismet is. I couldn’t come up with this gangbang of idiots in my mind on my highest of days. I still have so many questions – so many. This man ran for office? – a man who had a 3-way wedding with two men who later decided they were just kidding and not gay at all, found his 5th husband on tinder, brags about his prince albert – which he hangs locks from apparently – and hired a hitman to kill Carol my-eyes-are-gonna-pop-out-of-my-head Baskins who got away with murdering her husband with sardine oil?? Actually, he’d be perfect in our current administration. Fit right in. I think my favorite part was when the cast was asked to describe Doc’s “love life” and it went from having 2 to 3 girlfriends to 9 wives – you know the women he forced to have boob jobs and dress like animals? Oh and Jeff – what a real quality piece of shit this guy is. He makes me want to eat glass. Talking about his wife getting back in the gym while she’s still pregnant and going on and on about wanting a hot nanny. Classy, bro. Two thumbs up. The only woman who didn’t come off as a lunatic was Barbara Fisher – and to put that in perspective, she legally changed her name to Bala and lived in a horse stall. And this is not relevant but I do think it’s worth mentioning THESE PEOPLE VOTE. I wish someone would have taken a picture of my face when I realized Saff’s arm was missing BECAUSE of a tiger. And honestly, good for the tiger. I’m with them. More specifically, I am team liger – I want them to form a rebellion and eat every single last one of them. Eat em dead. And what a surprise, this all went down in Florida. Just saying.
Gotta lot of people worked up out there. Here’s the deal – if you want to protest, that is your right. You get out there and you express yourself and your American rights. But is it too much to ask you to be convicted? You can’t be out there in a hazmat suit holding a sign that says ‘The Virus isn’t Real’. It’s the suit or the sign – it can’t be both – partly because it negates your beliefs and credibility, mostly because it makes you look like a dummy. That’s like when people say they’re anti-tattoos because they’re PERMANENT- and it’s like…so are your five kids running around. MAKE VALID ARGUMENTS. Some of you never had to write a 15 page thesis paper in one night and it shows. Also, there’s a pyramid scheme going around – my friend did it and didn’t get the money she thought she would and it’s like – NO SHIT? You don’t say! Did no one learn anything in the 90s?!?! If something seems too easy and too good to be true and a conversation begins with ‘Do you want to make X amount of dollars?’ – you Forrest Gump run away from that situation because – and repeat after me – YOU ARE SMARTER THAN A BANANA.
Lotta numbers being thrown around all willy nilly. I just heard a commercial that women will experience 624 nights of sleeping in your makeup. Hmmm. I will tell you right now – and I know a lot of you are about to get real judgy on me – I have washed my face after a night out…maybe twice? Could be a stretch. I am awful at being a woman sometimes. If I’m someone’s avatar, they must be so disappointed. I think the fact that my sweatpants have now turned into no pants says a lot about where I’m at in my life and who I really am. Also, Dear Delta – if you could GIVE ME MY MONEY back so I can buy groceries, that’d be great. And if you didn’t read that in the voice of Lumbergh from Office Space – fix it. The greed of some people during this time is appalling. But as selfish as some people are, there is also a lot of selflessness going on too. My neighbor bakes me things and I love her. I’m just now realizing I will not be able to enjoy her tasty treats anymore and am now crying. I’m a real amusement park ship-ride of emotions right now. And to all of you people throwing your gloves and masks on the ground – EAT A GOAT! …I think it’s very clear I haven’t had sugar in a few days. I’ll be cheerier next week. In the meantime, BE SMARTER THAN A BANANA. xx