I am Jennifer.  First born daughter of James.   Queen of Quarantine & the Blue Mountains.  The Puzzler.  Destructor of plants.  Dweller of the batcave.  Seamstress for the Band.  Keeper of the House of Whiteclaw.    …man that makes me sound so cool when really I’m just a borderline alcoholic who lives in a dim-lit studio alone because I can’t keep a plant alive.  #facts  Alright!  Here we are – 13 decades into the longest month of my life.  I feel like we’re all in a Narnia time – like we’ve been on an adventure, killed an ice queen, made friends with a giant lion, was crowned queen of a different realm, lived an entire epic novel – and somehow it’s still today.  I’m fine?…I think?  Jersey Mike’s sends me text messages now, so if anything happens to me, they’ll know.  So that’s pretty cool.  I got iced by two of my best friends which, so far, has been my favorite thing in all the quarantine.  Mad props to those two bozos for executing a surprise on the nosiest woman in all the land.  If you’ve never opened your door to find alcohol with a sign ordering you to kneel and chug it while two grownups in masks film you, I highly recommend you find new friends immediately.

I hear a lot of people saying they’re bored.  I am a lot of things but bored isn’t one of them.  There is PLENTY to do.  If you need some ideas,  I was up till 3am playing F$#@, Marry, Kill with my two icing queens and Mr. Shaw.  Get creative.  I made the choice to marry Littlefinger – wrap your mind around that one.  I also spent a good hour watching videos of people farting in public via infrared cameras and I have to tell you – I’d watch more.  High entertainment value.  No regrets there.  I’ve read 5 books.  Been voice texting a lot – just trying to switch it up – keep people on their toes.  I watched a man who took his kid to the cemetery for some fresh air observe his child play hide and seek with ghosts.  The kid was for sure alone and kept referring to ‘his friend’ who was stuck.  I used to babysit a little girl who could see ghosts.  I’d be feeding her mac n cheese and she’d be like – ‘she wants some too’ as she stared across the table next to me.  Cool, cool, cool.

I had a facetime sesh with a few friends yesterday and for whatever reason they couldn’t see me.  I was like – honestly, it’s probably better that way because my friend who could see me in a previous conversation was like – Are you okay? And not in a general, how ya doing? kind of way but in a very concerned I’M WORRIED kind of way.  And that was before I’d even said a word.  It was just one of those days where I didn’t put pants on and let my hair air dry which always makes me look like a character from Jumanji.  So I was actually very into the idea of not being seen cause I looked a little I just got struck by lightning ratchet.  So I’m going about my business – as per usual – when all of sudden they’re both like – OOOH!  THERE SHE IS!  – and it just so happened to be right when I was chugging pineapple juice straight from the gallon – which is what you do when you live alone and don’t have a dishwasher.  That’s just how this works.  And then one of them is like – IS THAT A ROBE?…I felt like a CIA agent whose cover had been blown.  Can we go back to when you couldn’t see me?  Meanwhile anytime I’m facetiming with my sister it’s like chatting with Inspector Gadget.  I’ll be mid-sentence and she’s like – Still have that picture of us up, huh?  When did you get that?  What’s that drawing on your fridge about?  And it’s like – how can you even see that from where you are?

I would also like to take this opportunity to express my feelings on everyone deciding this is their moment to shove their political agenda down my throat.  Can we not?  In my version of Greenday’s lyrics – Wake me up when November ends.  You all sound like lunatics threatening people to vote a certain way or else – it’s vile.  I don’t like bullies or unwarranted aggression of any kind.  And I certainly don’t like being told what to do…by anyone…ever.  Easy on the Pepsi, y’all – you’re killing your own cause.  You didn’t move out of the country like you said you would, did you Karen?  Just put some pants on, get out of the basement and get some fresh air.  I’m not saying it’s pointless, but have you SEEN some of these TikTok videos? – I know you watched Tiger King – Those people vote!  Save your energy for whatever new exercise challenge trends next.  And stop quoting the CDC like they have any idea what’s going on right now.  The CDC is as useful as Ikea instructions as far as I’m concerned.  I’ve seen more organized girl scout troops at the zoo.  Guys.  I can’t stress this enough.  Alcohol helps.

It’s a weird time for sure.  My family and I devised a plan in case for whatever reason communication is lost.  It’s called, I go east.  I have a week to get to the designated meeting spot.  So that sounds fun for me.  I mixed beer and wine last night like the amateur hour I am and woke up in an exorbitant amount of self-inflicted pain so I called my sister and asked her to write this for me which she declined.  Rude.  I plan on climbing back in bed and watching Twilight as soon as I post this.  I maybe also accidentally ordered 14 sandwiches and now I have to go and deal with that bonanza cause the WORLD IS FALLING APART – can it just rain frogs already?  Thank you to everyone who has checked in on me.  Thank you to everyone who I can call mine.  Thank you for reading.  Thank you for your TIME.  I hope I helped with your boredom for at least five minutes today.  Now go watch people fart.  Xx


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