The Sun Will Rise

I’d love to tell you I fell into a portal and found myself in an alternate universe where everything I read about exists and that I fought in an epic battle and brought peace to the realms and was crowned princess and adored by all. But alas, I was having a love affair with life. Watched my brother get married, got my palms read, enjoyed magic (literally), saw Lady GaGa, visited lovers, reunited with cousins, contemplated moving to Texas, karaoked a lot of Wilson Phillips, was a 70s diva (i was born in the wrong decade), got gaslit by trash people, gambled my life away, was enraged by all my sports teams, managed not to get mugged in my neighborhood and am now currently hiding in my apartment because I am grounded. So, naturally, I watched Squid Games and oh boy… ***SPOILER ALERT: if you haven’t watched, proceed to next paragraph*** First of all, these people are all lunatics. The fact that they watched hundreds of people die playing red light, green light and then thought to themselves ‘You know what? That’s better than real life. I should go back’ is LUDICROUS. And I looked up the currency exchange as I watched – these people are nuts. Each player was only worth 84 grand. Which would be fine if you got to pick a briefcase with no repercussions if you lost money or not. But in squid games, you lose, you die. I’m not dying for that. You couldn’t pay me that amount of money to go to space. Also, I’m not through watching yet and if anything happens to player 001 I will have a full on meltdown. Also, 212 might be the most annoying character ever written. She and 101 deserve each other – gross. UPDATE: I have since finished Squid Games and I quit and no longer have faith in humanity (not that there was much left). I was full on bawling my eyes out after episode 6 (?)…completely lost it. SOBBING. What 218 did to Ollie makes me want to throw up. And the fact 456 is going back makes me want to tear my own hair out. Ugh…and on that note, would anyone like to write a story framing marriage in a positive light? Anyone? Bueller?

Speaking of marriage, my brother did the damn thing! It was a beautiful day celebrating two beautiful people. I know he’s married because he’s in Vegas and when I asked if he was gambling he said ‘I’ve hit my limit for the day’. I should probably get married so I, too, have a limit. I owe Kelli (my new sister in law) a huge ground of applause because she was the most chill bride in the history of ‘I do’s’. We went to pick up the cupcakes and they didn’t have her order and she just looked around calmly and asked if they had more premade trays in the back. Meanwhile I would have lit the entire place on fire screaming about how the sprinkles don’t match. When her shoes hurt her feet, she just put on flip flops and walked right down that aisle. THE MOST chill. They are a great couple and I’m so very happy for them. My sister and I drove their dog, Maizey, back to my mom’s house while they honeymooned and it’s always fun when a 45 pound dog thinks she’s still a lap dog. It’s even more fun when it’s your lap she’s decided is her throne and you’re allergic. She’s lucky she’s cute. If you’ve never had to deal with a dog who has been skunked, go pour yourself a giant glass of wine. Congrats. It was awful and I’m only mad it wasn’t all recorded. I was screaming for my mom (yes, I’m 38), poor Maizey is foaming at the mouth and running through the house like she’s chasing a squirrel, my sister is screaming we should call 911, I’m calling my friend back in LA who manages a vet to figure out what to do – first thing she says is keep her outside of the house and I’m like, TOO LATE! second thing she says is don’t get her wet – TOO LATE AGAIN!! I was holding Maizey’s face to try to calm her down and my sister is like WELL DON’T TOUCH HER!!!! It was absolute pandemonium and this is all five minutes after Kelli sent a message asking how ‘her sweet girl was doing’. Pretty sure my nail beds still smell like skunk. Everyone is alive and well…ish. Well enough, ok?!

So where have I been all this time? Well…I’ve been busy. I know, I know – a BS excuse. You make time for what’s important to you – we all know that. Don’t listen to him, Kendra! He’s not texting you back because he doesn’t want to. We choose where we focus our attention. So, yes, I’ve been consciously shirking. I’ve put a lot of thought into why writing here has become less of a priority lately and it came down to a few things. The first is that I was beginning to feel my words were being twisted and taken out of context. There was this sort of false belief that reading this every week was the equivalent of knowing me and what’s going on in my life (it’s not). I questioned how much of myself I was putting out there and what I owe anyone, including myself, in staying true to the origins of what I started four years ago. The second was that the world is in a very delicate, divisive place. I’ve kept quiet a lot for it. In respect of it, in fear of it, in frustration with it. So I took a step back and I’ve been observing. The way people are treating one another. The way algorithms are molding minds. The way misinformation has us all at each other’s throats. The way the narrative has been controlled and puppeteered. The way no one is ever able to admit they’re wrong – including America. And what’s crazy to me, personally, is how politicized everything has become, when the reality is that it’s not. The true dichotomy is between corporate and non-corporate which operate as a monopoly of power with two wings but we’re so busy arguing with one another trying to validate loyalties to blue or red and “truths” from leaning media outlets, we’re unable to see past the curtain. As Mark Groves said, ‘divisiveness is lazy’. He goes on to say…

…It requires nothing from us…no empathy, no compassion, no curiosity. It relieves us from having to understand someone else and why they might see the world the way they do. When we put people in boxes not only do we reduce them to the identity we’ve given them, we also become the type of person who puts people in boxes. This not only dehumanizes them, it dehumanizes us.

There is so much more to person than their political view…whether they want to choose to take a medical intervention or not. The challenge is that we have moralized these (and so many more) identities, and then in doing so we create a hierarchy of righteousness. “Because my choice is the right one, I am a good person.” If you believe your choice makes YOU a good person then you will either consciously or unconsciously see the other choice as being one made by *not* a good person. This righteousness is protective of one’s own identity and choice, AND, it also creates ignorance because we now have the inability to take in information that challenges the intellectual rationale and logic of our choice… And, we also have the inability to hear information that supports the other choice. This is true of ALL SIDES.

To move through all of this and back into our hearts, we have to seperate who we are from what we believe. We have to be open to the *possibility* that we are wrong. Cancelling people who are trying to have dialogue is intellectual laziness. It shows we don’t have the capacity to sit in discomfort. It shows we’re afraid of a truth that will be discovered in conversations that are about building bridges between divided views. But the reality is, the truth is not afraid of dialogue. The truth just is. And when all the bullshit burns down, and the boxes we’ve put each other in burn along with them, we are left with one another….naked in humanity. People just want love, connection, community and unity. THAT is a world I am committed moving towards. That is a world our souls crave. Let’s do the work of dethroning our own righteousness. Let’s get curious. Let’s ask questions. This world is beautiful and we are responsible for continuing to move towards what is possible, not away from what we are afraid of…

Mark Groves

To my annoyance, I couldn’t have worded it better. And to that I give a standing ovation. I don’t need anyone in my life to think and feel the same way I do about anything…but I also expect that same grace in return. And this is all a giant summary of why I have been lollygagging and avoiding this page – because I am currently living in world more eager to cancel than to understand. So quick footed to condemn and crucify rather than converse and find common ground. More apt to point fingers as opposed to finding solutions. I’ve felt hushed. And to be quite frank, it’s all made me pretty disheartened. Hence my sad-eyed Les Mis pic. I want to live in a country where elections are nonpartisan and aren’t won with money but with honesty and a genuine loyalty to their constituents, their employers – US!! We pay too much in taxes to not have a government we are proud of, but we’re all too small-minded to believe we have choices beyond the two given to us. Alright, my blood pressure is amping up. I swear I must have been some top-hat wearing POS in my previous life cause this one feels like penance. Hence, why I like vodka so much.

Okay, so now that’s all out, on to more important things. I had to go to the lady doctor a few weeks ago which always a super fun time. I would like to point out the HEAVY use of sarcasm there in case anyone missed it. I rescheduled that appointment FOUR TIMES this year because the thought of it was like – no thanks. It really made me reflect on my love life over the pandemic which has been minimal and mostly full of liars. When she asked ‘how many partners?’ I was like – negative 7? Is that an option? Had to have an ultrasound which was an interesting, new experience for me. I’m probably the only person in the world who started clapping when I saw it empty. I’m fine and all is good. And for the record, and this is mostly for my mother, I wasn’t worried there could be a child – BUT I have read the Bible so you can never be sure. For example, I KNOW there aren’t kilos of heroin in my car and, yet, this is me every time I see a cop in my rearview mirror: (heart rate skyrocketing, right armpit sweating profusely) HOW MANY ROCKS OF CRACK ARE IN MY PURSE?! DID I BURY THE DEAD BODY OR IS IT STILL IN THE TRUNK?! IS MY CRYSTAL METH STILL IN THE GLOVE BOX?! Same with drug-dogs at airports – I convince myself that either A) I am a drug mule or B) someone has slipped drugs into my luggage without me noticing and no one will believe me until a documentary is made about my story on Netflix. So anyways – not pregnant. Yay. That’s how we got there.

Life is a real freefall sometimes. And with how the world is operating right now, it’s hard to find anyone that would catch you if you don’t fall in line with their way of thinking. They might say they understand you behind closed doors to your face, but they wouldn’t have your back in a crowd. It’s a very Jerry Maguire/goldfish feeling. Who’s coming with me?! And can the world stop overreacting everytime Pete Davidson has a new smokeshow of a girlfriend?! How are any of you still surprised?! This has been going on for YEARS. He’s very funny. Girls love that shit. Everyone get on board the ‘Pete Davidson deserves LOVE’ train – cause he does…just like everyone else. Even those idiots on Bachelor in Paradise. By far the best thing I’ve heard over all the years was said this last season – “Last year I got COVID on my birthday and this is 10x worse”. Now let me be clear, for those of you who don’t watch. She is upset because a guy EVERYONE said would screw her over, screwed her over. Sometimes we have to learn the hard way, you know? Sometimes you don’t find what you’re looking for. On that note, Brian Laundrie was in FL this entire time?! Authorities searched that area for 5 weeks – the Laundries show up and find him in two seconds. Nothing suspect about that at all. I don’t believe in coincidences anymore. This is the wild wild west. There are people with masks that say ‘Free R.Kelly’. Are we even allowed to listen to Michael Jackson anymore? Watch Woody Allen films? I get weird about it all and don’t understand who is in charge of drawing the line. More importantly, can someone find the other 1,629 missing persons in this country? – and those are just reported cases. I also heard Breast Cancer Awareness month is being taken away because it’s unfair to the other cancers. If your life is dictated by national months or days of any kind, find a new one.

I realize this was long and a lot and some of it may have been triggering for some of you. That’s not my intention. My goal is and will always be authenticity. I will forever come from a place of love. I will leave you with some words from Les Mis, ‘even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise’ Xx