Reach For It

It’s hard to tell yourself to reach for the stars when you throw out your back reaching for the paprika.  This is a true story folks.  I simply reached for a spice and everything changed.  I swear I’m an avatar and someone out there is getting a giant kick out of all of this.  If you’ve never thrown your back out….uh, don’t.  It’s like walking around with a book on top of your head and if it falls, you get murdered a little bit – and we all know I’m no cotillion girl.  I’m Princess Winnifred through and through.  So my back has failed me and it’s been very humbling.  In the spirit of trying new things, like a little old lady, I actually brought a pillow with me into a movie theater.  All I need is a rascal and a M-F pill box and I’m ready for my senior discount.  And if you find yourself really bored and feeling masochistic on a Friday night, just put Icy Hot in your eye.  Spoiler alert – you won’t like it.  So, in a nutshell, I’ve been what observers might consider a giant mess of a garbage person.

My youth is becoming a distant memory.  I know I’m not ancient yet but that naive innocence of a child is weathered and gone.  Weird how you never appreciate something’s worth until it’s gone and in some cases, you can never get it back.  Don’t forget that.  As far as the human body is concerned, we take SO MUCH for granted.  Even when that one nostril is clogged, it’s the WORST.   Who knew being able to chew with your mouth closed was such a gift?  When I broke my arm I had to have my friends meet me in the bathroom so that they could help me zip up my pants.  One time my friend forgot and after about 25 minutes of pure struggle, I had to just go back out into the wild with my pants undone like some kind of homeless lady of the night!

I look at pictures from when I was younger from time to time and I wonder if she would be proud of me.  I wonder what she would have to say about what I’ve done with our life.  I think back and admire her.  I can only hope I do the same for her.  I spent so much time worrying about the opinions and actions of others and now that I’m grown up I can’t begin to tell you how little it matters what Ellen so and so thought of my jeans that weekend or what Brian said to Carol who told the entire volleyball team who told the upperclassman who now looks at you weird.  None of it matters.  I didn’t give myself nearly enough credit and I wish I had.  I have to remind myself daily that I’m enough.  You should too – because finding your worth through others is toll road you don’t want to be on – give it time and you’ll discover it’s not worth it.

Living in Los Angeles can be extremely discouraging sometimes.  It has not been an easy road.  I remember at one point, I had seventeen cents in my bank account.  Talk about living on a prayer.  I still do not know how, to this day, I came back from that.  But I did.  When you want something, you make it work.  When you want to be somewhere, you make it work.  As adults, we are where we want to be 95% of the time.  Do not be fooled with excuses and tall tales.  We all have priorities and our actions are indicators of what those are.  Imagine how different your choices would be if you only had a few dollars to your name.  What’s important to you?  How would you spend it?  It might not be your reality but it’s good to know that about yourself.

Life is gonna throw obstacles at you.  One day you’re going to feel invincible with the wind in your hair and a cape on your shoulders.  The next you’ll be cooking up some turkey and before you know it,  you’re on the ground doing back stretches you remember your dad doing in the 90s thinking to yourself “Is this the beginning of how I go?”  Don’t let it deter you. Be better.  Learn from it, grow from it, and reinvent yourself.  If I’ve learned anything over the years it’s that I am much more self-sufficient than I ever let myself believe.  As individuals, we are capable of amazing.  The only catch is, we have to reach for what we want.  Every single day.  No one is going to do it for us.  Set goals and live with intention.  Keep reaching…even after you’re hurt, even after you think you’ve failed, even when everyone says it can’t be done.

UPDATE:  My cactus might not be totally dead!  I feel like she’s trying to make a comeback.  I’ll keep you posted.  Is this a metaphor of my life?!

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