Aaaaaaaaaaand my belly-button is missing. My life has become a never ending Oktoberfest. What are standards? Tell me all about them. Sign me up for the Biggest Loser: Quarantine Edition. I had two boxes of Lean Pockets and a cherry coke for dinner the other night. I had one friend who was giving me a really hard time about it. She was like “Two boxes?! Were you high?” I was like, “What if I wasn’t!” Then five minutes later, she’s still on it. And I’m thinking to myself, I thought this was a safe space and you’re giving me so much shit. I don’t need this. NOT TODAY, SATAN. So then she asks, “How many are in a box?” I told her 2. She goes, “Oh, I thought there were 6!” So then I realized she thought I ate 12 lean pockets and her concern became extremely valid. The fact that someone still cares about me brings enough joy to my heart to keep me going for at least another week. I’m like a character from Les Mis singing ‘One More Day’.
In other news, I thought I drank a bug and spit it all back into the glass. It wasn’t a bug. So I went ahead and drank it anyway. That, my friends, is why some of you wouldn’t win Hunger Games. If it weren’t for virtual meetings/happy hours, I can’t express to you how much more ratchet this whole thing could get for me. My zoom schedule IS my shower schedule. I had a chit chat with my quarantine boyfriend the other night – and before you start assaulting me with questions, calm it down. Yes, I have a quarantine boyfriend. No, we don’t see each other. It wasn’t really a conversation so much as I just announced it one day and he was like – cool. So…it’s going pretty well. There are zero expectations so, historically, it’s the most successful quarantine relationship I’ve ever been a part of. Still waiting for the cupcake though…
Let’s see. I went on a three hour walk and just for any dude reading this, please know that women have been walking around like this FOR DECADES. Suspicious, cautious and ready to throw down at a moment’s notice. Welcome to our lives. Welcome! (sang like in Cabaret!) Then I stalked zoo animals on the internet and saw a hippo eat a watermelon whole, debated whether to walk to the store or order pizza for 3 hours. Played a choose your own adventure game on my phone and now two men are fighting over me and I don’t know who to choose. It’s a real toss up. Forget Tiger King. If you aren’t watching Making the Cut on Amazon Prime – do it! Naomi Campbell is straight up SAVAGE and my favorite thing that’s ever happened on television. She’s the Gordon Ramsey of fashion design. Ruthless. And if you don’t know who Wood the Porn Star is, you need a new group of friends. That’s all I’m gonna say. RIP.
I will say, I do enjoy seeing what everyone is up to and what their situation is. The president from barstool sports is living my dream life right now. He sits at home and eats pizza everyday. That’s legit his job right now. While he’s eating pizza, MORE pizza is being delivered. WHERE DID I GO WRONG?! I gotta restructure my life. Snail mail AND pizza?? Be still my heart. My main concern right now is that if the ‘rona gets me, I need someone to set all my shit back to factory settings. Who will volunteer as tribute?
If you haven’t seen this yet…
…you’re welcome. Let’s ignore the fact that they probably have about 5 grand of puppy in their arms – another topic for another time. DEAR TIM TEBOW, not that anybody cared before but for sure now all anyone cares about are those puppies – please do not post any other content. NO ONE CARES. Get your quads out of the photos. I don’t want to see your face. Puppies only. GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT! Love, America. You can’t tell from this picture but the dalmatian has two different colored eyes. STOP IT. It’s not even fair how cute they are. I want them. And I can never have them because I’m allergic and god is punishing me for reasons still unknown but maybe everything?
Easter is on Sunday. I know this because I’ve been taking down peanut butter eggs like ibuprofen. So much better than the regular cups. And I have to ask – WHO ARE THE MUTANTS OUT THERE KEEPING PEEPS ALIVE? If you’re not using the Peeps for smores, you deserve to be quarantine. I stand by that statement. STOP BUYING PEEPS and give me your money. My upstairs neighbors FOR SURE buy Peeps in bulk. Those animals were blending something last night at 12:45 AM. I legit yelled ARE YOU JOKING MY ASS?! Why don’t you just hang some pictures while you’re at it. Drill some holes in the wall. Install a bowling alley. Just buy some guns and set up a range. Who even cares? I’m telling you – the rona is making people’s true colors come out and I SEE YOU.
Is there a COVID schedule out there that I’m missing? There’s people posting their first photos as couples – a SINCERE congrats to all of you – truly. There aren’t enough couple photos out there as it is, so THANK YOU, each of you, for shoving your love in my face during this trying quarantine. Bless you. What sick monster set that up? Then we got people making noise at certain times – where is everyone getting this information? WHERE IS MY MEMO?! I don’t even know where people are coming up with information anymore. I trust no one. Because just like that domino display of how the virus spreads, misinformation spreads the same way. I’m not trying to say everyone is wrong but…are you right? Quoting the CDC has become the modern day ‘Mom says’ and it’s like – but did she really say that or are you just trying to prove a point? Was this something you found on the internet or a text message you received from your cousin in Vermont? State your source! Cause I feel like some of y’all think you know stuff because a magic 8 ball told you so.
I feel like this is the world’s way of putting us in the penalty box to think about our choices. I went outside and heard a motorcycle start and ducked for cover. Then proceeded to have trouble seeing because my eyes were so watery from not having seen light in days. This can’t be my life. I’m a butterfly. I gotta get out there. And I’ve thought about it: I’ll be better. I’ll eat more vegetables. I’ll volunteer more. I’ll even DO YOGA. I’ll swipe right more often, I swear. Just let this girl be WILD again. This summer, it’s gonna be ALL about the personality. Finally!! Cause I’m a midwest 8.5, an LA 4.7 and a Quarantine 25! So you’re saying I have a chance! I dream of the day when this is all over. I will greet the streets like Belle from Beauty and the Beast – I will Kool-aid punchbowl my way into every occasion. I will go everywhere with the Killers ‘COMING OUT OF MY CAGE’ lyrics on repeat as a theme song and it will be glorious. But until then, everybody keep your distance, don’t come near me and feel free to send me some pizza. Also, it’s cicada year. I’m not joking. Good luck out there.
**RETROSPECTACULAR** 
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