Bits n’ Pieces

We’re practically one month into 2021 and, at this point, I think everyone is living for that light at the end of the tunnel, whatever it may be. That trip that got postponed, that hug you haven’t felt in months, that person you need to see, that show that got cancelled, that place you’re dying to exist in. Human interaction in general I think would be good for everyone. I think walking into a room to see my mother going at a Christmas tree with a giant pair of clippers is indicative to where we’re all at. A bit…unhinged shall we say? And before you ask, yes, it’s almost February, and yes, our tree was still up. That’s how it works in this house, no further questions. So anyways, I’ve never been big on crowds – if it were my way, strangers would never come within 6 feet of me again for the rest of my life, but I do enjoy people from time to time you know? I think we all do. They’re occasionally useful, right? They make us feel understood every once in a great while. They are proof we aren’t as crazy as we think we are. We find inspiration in other people in a colorful assortment of ways. Every single person in our life contributes their own sort of special to our cup. And most importantly, I think it makes us realize we’re not alone. But then so does being on a mountain top looking over the horizon, so who’s to say?

As for my bright, beautiful beacon in the midst of all this foolery, I’m slightly concerned. If you know me at all, you know my affinity for sports. The thrill of competition speaks to me in ways I can’t describe. It was the one thing that gave me confidence growing up. So obviously the Olympics are pretty much my favorite thing of ever. If you think my attention span is bad on a regular day, don’t even try to have a conversation with me during those two weeks – I take it VERY seriously. Some might argue too seriously. I’m watching events on four different devices, I’ve got alarms set up, I download ALL the apps – it’s a layered process. Ask anyone who’s witnessed it. I was working one night and I didn’t want to miss a specific event live because of spoilers, so I went and hid under a staircase to watch it and let my entire section go up in flames. Sorry not sorry about your pizza table 303. Worth.It. So the 2020 summer Olympics have already been postponed once and now there are whispers of total cancellation in which I will be utterly devastated. For the athletes, yes, but mostly myself. I NEED THIS. This was my silver lining, my dawn through the darkness, my shimmer of light in the vast deep sea of nothing. I have a countdown clock for fuck’s sake – of course I do! This should not be a surprise. And yes, I get it, “it’s just a game” and there’s a serious pandemic happening and believe me, my lack of pants is a daily reminder of the state of the world, but can I have a win?!?! Just one?! PLEASE?! Is this me being selfish? Probably. Is it unrealistic to expect Japan to figure out how to accommodate and host 11,000 athletes from over 200 countries?! 100%…but let’s be real, no one has ever accused me of being reasonable.

My family received a moon puzzle from Santa. It’ll be fun they said. It’ll be a group effort they said. It has been none of these things. To put it delicately, it’s what I imagine dying a slow death by a poisoned arrow feels like. It’s the literal feeling of watching yourself make ZERO progress. It’s bad for your self-esteem, your mental health and your soul. It’s every degree of awful. But here I am in the thick of it because I apparently hate myself. Everyone puzzles differently. It’s fascinating. My sister works on one piece at a time. My brother just places random pieces on the table where they go according to to the picture. Ma is all over the place. Personally, I work on one section at a time. I went in with a strategy and took charge of all the light pieces. That was my domain and everybody knew it. I went to bed one night, woke up and all of the light pieces had been put together. My face was a mix of awe and fury. Heavy on the fury. It was as if SOMEONE (you know who you are) took it upon themselves to finish a painting I had started. Like my room had been rearranged while I was sleeping. So that was super cool (it wasn’t) and I’d very much like to throw every single piece into a fire pit and roast s’mores on top of them, but I started it and am too stubborn to surrender. It’s WAY worse than the cookie puzzle. Exponentially. It’s just shades of gray everywhere. Desolate and depressing. Don’t worry, we have the earth and THE SUN next…THANKS SANTA.

I do think puzzles are important though. I think they are full of metaphors and tiny lessons that parallel life, which is one giant puzzle. At least that’s how I see mine. Not a new out of the box puzzle but one that has been through some stuff. A puzzle that tells a story. That one piece that looks like it’s had enough. That one piece that always seems to go missing. Those pieces you always find right away and make sense of. That final piece of sky you thought you’d never find. I think we all have bits of ourselves we love. Bits of ourselves that make us wonder why we have any friends at all. Bits that make more sense than other bits. Bits that take our breath away. Bits that that go better with music. Bits we prefer no one saw. But you put all those bits and pieces together and it all makes sense. Cause that’s who we are. A bunch a bits. All different shapes and sizes, makes and models. And we can be taken apart but not without knowing we can always be put back together again. It’s marvelous and beautiful. I think I’ve beaten the puzzle analogy to a pulp now, yes?

Alas, this will be my final post before I head back to my tiny apartment in California. I honestly don’t know what I’m going back to beyond my bed, my earl grey candles, bills and a pile of packages I’ve sent myself. Solitude I suppose? My plants surely think I’ve abandoned them, which is probably a sweet relief for them. I’m like the bad guy who comes back to life at the very end just when they think they’ve made it out alive. mwah hahahahah. It will be nice to be back in the batcave. It’s been a fun few months. I’ve gotten to know the animals that live in the backyard – we chat now. I’m basically a Disney Princess ’cause I also wear the same outfit everyday. My friend’s daughter called me out. She’s 6. And this sums up what living with my mother has been like:

Hey you ready to go?

:Yup, been ready for 30 minutes

Great. Let me just change all these lightbulbs first

She’s something else she is. #lakme I learned that wallpaper isn’t so normal? I posted a picture wearing my ma’s infamous NOT obscure blue winter coat and everyone was more concerned with the interior design than my outfit. I’m so used to it, I don’t think anything of it but apparently it’s very stimulating and distracting. Heads up tho – my mom informed me it’s making a comeback in 2021 so maybe this house is ahead of the curve? And maybe I didn’t win the MegaMillions but I scored a ton of time with my friends & family and THAT is a win in my book. And with the most Hallmark ending of anything I’ve ever written, Kodros out. See you on the west coast. Xx

One last thing…I’ve worked part-time at Healing Hands the last year and a half and I cannot express how special this place is to me. It’s not only allowed me to live the life I lead, but has brought some amazing people into my life. The chiropractor, Dr. Paul, LITERALLY put me back together again. I could go on and on. Help me give this place a fighting chance. Anything is beyond generous. Anything. Even spreading the word. CLICK HERE TO HELP


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