I found myself on the brink of buying a rooster utensil holder at 1 in the morning the other night, so you could say I’m DOING FINE. Luckily I had a friend tell me I should sleep on it – THANK YOU FRIEND. Don’t worry, I had 18 other tabs of options open. Eezy breezy over here. TOTALLY FINE. I also found a sweatshirt that I need in every single color. It’s $200. THRIVING. I received an email informing me that my DNA did, in fact, make it to the lab. How? I still have no idea. I get updates about my genes now. It is being genotyped as we speak. Weeeeeeeeeird! (insert Twilight Zone music here) I’m still a bit shocked/devastated/annoyed/riled up I didn’t win the PowerBall or MegaMillions. Everything seemed aligned in my favor. I looked the most homeless when I went to buy them (exhibit A above) so I certainly dressed the part. I mean, I almost got hit by a car on my way in. Real life. I had to jump out of the way. It was as close to Die Hard as my life has ever gotten. A guy ran in after me to make sure I was ok. I mean, I was really channelling some overdue karma. I strategically picked all of my numbers. And still…(sigh)…nothing. One day. Alas, I am still moderately poor. Yay.

Who am I? That’s what I’ve been asking myself a lot lately. I’m not having an existential crisis or anything, I’ve just run out of things to think about, haven’t seen the sun in 4 weeks and going a little copacabana so here we are. What do I want? Where am I going from here? I don’t even know if these are things that will ever be answered, but people ask them like I’m sure supposed to know so I’m trying to give it some serious thought. What do I want? I mean, who knows, I for sure don’t…but I know I want it now. I would really like a pizza. I always want a pizza. I would love to just read, write, dance and volunteer for the rest of my life on repeat. I don’t like the word work. I don’t understand “hedgefunds” and the fact that I have to put it in quotes explains a lot. I don’t like making decisions. Ever. I’m capable of taking over two hours to decide what to eat. I lie in bed all day at least once a month and I don’t feel bad about it. I would rather be cold than hot but am a child of the summer. I will leave your box of chocolates with holes poked into the bottoms of each one. (Unlike Forrest, I DID know what I was gonna get) 98% of the time you can text me at any time of day and I’ll text back. I’m a beautiful nightmare of a vampire like that. I can’t, however, factor in when Zuul takes over my phone. She’s an unpredictable schizophrenic. Sometimes she sends texts MONTHS after I sent them. I like lemons in and on everything except for my water. I’m a cryer. I hate it but I’m also not gonna apologize for having a heart. She may be the occasional overdramatic but she means well.

I do not deal well with passive aggression. I will not tolerate being belittled. If you’re going to have a conversation with me, you better be willing to listen. When people stop listening, I stop talking. While my past would advise me otherwise, I give people the benefit of the doubt. I believe most people are good. I don’t waste my time with people who assume the worst in me. And if you want to be a liar, go for it, but don’t lie to me. Ever. I’m very stubborn. We know this. When I put my mind to something, I do it. I finished 80 day obsession. It wasn’t easy, but if I can do it, you can do it. I’m not trying to be all meathead, hear me roar or anything, but I honestly feel stronger. I am stronger. I don’t know anybody who doesn’t want that. Especially in the middle of all the chaos going on around us. I feel like like I can’t do what I want when I want to do it and I don’t know about you, but I get restless when my options are taken from me. I do not like being told what to do – I’m a rebel to a fault. So I fixate on HEALTHY things I can control. That’s a very important adjective. I have for sure gone down unhealthy routes in the past and it’s taken me a long time to channel it for good. So yeah – go work out, sure. But also, have you ever made up a bed by yourself???? Fitted sheets are dumb.

When I love, I love hard. My entire soul gets involved. I don’t know how to do it any other way. If I love you, it’s a conscious choice I make every morning. Not in a finicky way but in a ‘I don’t take my people for granted’ way. And some days I may not like you, but I still love you. My love is like the black box of a plane. It survives crashes…the catastrophic kind. A resilient heart she is. I try to find love in everything. In the way a sheet feels. In the sound of rain against a window while reading a book. In the smell of someone’s shirt. In a washing machine that needs a little extra love to get through a spin cycle. In eye contact. In generosity from strangers. In how you can agree to disagree and still adore that person. In twilight through the trees. In the way a book feels in your hands. In a text message from an old friend. In the seat warmers of a car. In the blanket that always keeps you the warmest. In slippers you never take off. In snuggles. The kind that aren’t looking for more. Love is all around us. If you’re not actively searching for love then you’re passively accepting a life less shiny. Make it worth it.

Me and my 150+ pounds of luggage are back in LA. Both of my bags were over the limit but I was crying (of course I was) so the guy felt bad for me and checked them anyway. ALL the luggage. My carry-on was stuffed with 18 volumes of Shakespeare and my new Apple TV. Of course it was. I have priorities, people. I was all excited I was A29 (flying Southwest was a strategic choice so I could check two bags FYI) until I found out there were only 35 people on the flight. Wha-whaaaaa… I really hope everyone read that they way it sounds in my head. Anyways, people are boarding and making space. Everyone has their own row. It’s beautiful, it’s spacious, it’s very COVID appropriate. And then Wanda gets on the plane. I don’t know why I named her that, but she’s got the largest McDonald’s cup there is, mask under her nose, on the phone, hair everywhere. You know, very WANDA. So what does she do? She sits in my row. LITERALLY ROWS EVERYWHERE!!! Why would you sit next to the lady (me) who looks like she crawled out of a garbage chute?! Who doesn’t want their own row!!?? What kind of goblin psycho are you?! So I just stared at her, eyebrows raised, like – you joking my ass? She was, in fact, not joking my ass. So I lost my mind internally and started panic sweating and thought – maybe the mask just slipped and her hands are full and she can’t fix it. Nope, that’s just how Wanda wears her mask. So I obviously relocated immediately. So let’s circle back, I believe MOST people are good. I also believe a lot of people are garbage.

So I’m back in Cali after some major fam time. I may not have won the lottery but I’ve got a very rich life. I think about how that would make my life any different and the answer is not much. I’d have a bedroom…a car…probably the sweatshirts I mentioned…and my friends would never have to pay for lunch again. Life isn’t so bad. Look around you. If you don’t like what you see, fix it. Get that MegaMillion life we all deserve. Your bank account is not indicative of your happiness. We tend to fixate on money and at the end of the day – the very last day – not a single penny of it matters. You cannot put a monetary value on a life. I should probably mention this is not me saying money doesn’t matter at all – it does and you do need it to function in society…UNLESS you have found the mecca that is a land based on the barter system in which case I need coordinates IMMEDIATELY. But maybe you’re a mega-millionaire and just haven’t realized it yet…look around you. Find the love. Define what megamillions means to you. Ask yourself who you really are, what’s important to you. And good luck with your “hedgefunds” Xx


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