this way to CrazyTown

I feel like I’m on that ride at state fairs where you just spin and spin and spin. You know the one no person in their right mind would voluntarily get on because it looks like it could fall apart at any moment and also, why? I’ve been dealing with a lot of anxiety for a number of reasons, most of which I’m still trying to pinpoint. In the nutshell I’ve come up with so far, I feel like I’ve turned into taffy and am being pulled in 37 directions by 28 different people. You do the math. I’m emotionally dismembered. I want to Zack Morris my life and put it on a huge time-out. In all honesty, I would love to pull a Ted Cruz and escape to Cancun. Ya know…FOR THE CHILDREN. I’m not blaming the storm on him but it would be like if DC caught on fire and Biden fled to the Bahamas because his support animals were stressed out. It would be like if your mom was going through something traumatic and your dad packed your suitcase and was like – well, we’re off to Barbados cause she (as he throws your naive, innocent body under the bus) needs it. Good luck tho – thoughts & prayers. What kind of father points at his child like – THEY DID IT!! (besides Hugh Grant in The Undoing) It reminds me of the scene in Jurassic Park when Lex is flipping out and keeps saying ‘He left us! He left us!’ And let’s be real, what was he going to do against a T-Rex anyway? But that’s the whole point – you don’t abandon your people when things get shitty. I would have so much more respect for him if he just would have been like – Listen, I can’t control the sun! So, yeah, I left! And you should too! TX sucks right now! I’m here for football, outdoor BBQ and a solid paycheck! I didn’t sign up for this biblical nonsense – Byeeeeeeeeee!! What a ding dong btw. Good grief. I just imagine his advisors blowing up his phone like – TED! you need to come home! (45 minutes later) NOW!! – And he’s all -you know what? (as he fidgets with his all-inclusive wristband) I’m gonna finish this pina colada, change into my evening florals and give that some thought. Who knows, maybe I’ll just go to Greece because, unlike SOME people, I don’t have a state of constituents dealing with a natural disaster of epic proportions. I have plants…and we all know the peril they live in.

I don’t know, I’m feeling a little cashews lately. I yelled at people in a parking lot the other day. Granted, they deserved it, but that’s not me. And I know I’m not the only one – two women dressed as ‘grannies’ to get the vaccine. And where were they from? Let’s all say it together – FLORIDA! Someone put a sign on my neighbor’s door that says ‘If I have to hear that fucking coldplay song one more time my brain is going to bleed out of my ears. For the love of god, turn it down or play something else. PLEASE!!’ And then I wrote a note under that asking which Coldplay song. I’m kidding about my note. The other one was very real. Two doors down from an apartment I spend a great deal of time in was a drug bust – I’m talking entire block taped off, cops everywhere, guns drawn, forced entry, shots fired, fentanyl, meth and artillery all present. WHERE AM I?! My other two friends went into their restaurant that’s been closed for the last four months and were chased out by a mischief of rats that had taken residence. RATS! But can we talk about how cute a mischief of anything is? Except for rats, obviously. Meanwhile I got helicopters hovering above me all hours of the day looking for whoever murdered who today. Last night it was apparently because Lady Gaga’s dog walker was shot and then her puppies were stolen. I can’t make this up. Sometimes it’s so much nonsense, I feel like I must be in some type of simulation because that’s the only explanation. Then while I was watching Wheel of Fortune, a contestant guessed a letter and I had to do a double take. Yup. Definitely made out with that guy in a parking lot once. Cool, cool, cool…

So yeah, shit is getting wild. Wild as in I wouldn’t be shocked if backless shirts make a comeback. We’re in the middle of a pandemic where trying to get any sort of a break or an escape is either frowned upon or forbidden when all anyone is trying to do is find a little happy in the dark, never-ending tunnel that is lockdown. I don’t know what to expect anymore but I know I wasn’t expecting to be doing any of THIS a year later. I am apparently late to this party, but I’ve hit my pandemic threshold. When can I sit on my favorite barstool again? Is ‘a face in the crowd’ an archaic term now? Will I ever dance with a stranger again? Did I go to my last music festival and not know? Can somebody, ANYBODY, give me some answers?! We’ve got a never ending news cycle of doom and gloom, we’ve all become masked nobodies and there’s this huge cloud of fear, uncertainty and repetition hanging over our heads constantly. I mean I know people who’ve taken up running just to get out of the house. RUNNING! No one WANTS to run, ok? This is what the world has come to. Why would anyone be stressed out in a time like this? It’s overwhelming. I don’t get anxious that often and I know it’s not permanent but when I do, it consumes me. I feel the walls closing in and it’s what I imagine dying in a silo would feel like. I think about that a lot actually. Just me? Probably. Anyways, I have severe superwoman complex. This crazy notion that I can do it all. Not only that but I WANT to do it all. In the grand scheme of things, it’s a wonderful trait to have but it can also feel very heavy. I have great expectations. Especially of myself. I always have. I’m an all or nothing type of person. When I do something, I put everything I’ve got into it. It’s who I am. I play hard, I love hard, I work hard, I stress hard.

And what’s infuriating is I know I have a great life! I really don’t have the right to complain about much. I whine about my studio constantly but she’s my sanctuary. I have the BEST people in my life. I am very loved despite my lunacy. I have all my limbs and senses. But I get these moments of panic and I’m devoured. So I try to think of and do things that make me feel better. I watch things like Buffy and think to myself – at least my boyfriend isn’t a werewolf I have to lock up every month. At least an ancient evil isn’t trying to kill me. At least an entire population isn’t depending on me to save the day. At least I’m alive and, yes, my hair is turning gray but I still have it. Champagne isn’t outlawed (yet) so at least I’ve still got that. I have my books that take me on adventures at a moment’s notice. At least I’m not being forced into an arranged marriage for land rights. At least I never worked at the Cecil Hotel. Did everybody watch The Vanishing at the Cecil Hotel? (hand raised) I have a lot of questions. Mostly for the hotel manager. She said in the ten years she worked there, 80 people died. I’m sorry? EIGHTY?! That’s like 78 too many, lady!! She says it all casually like – we provide coffee in the lobby and on Tuesdays someone usually dies. You could not lure me in there with promises of a one bedroom paid in full till 2025 attached with a new Bronco. No, sir. To the Cecil I will not go.

Confession: I wasn’t going to write today. Yesterday, I couldn’t even type out a text because my hands were shaking so badly. Turns out it wasn’t alcohol withdrawal. Full on panic attack. Sometimes our own body has to slow us down. When I get busy, I’m the first person I throw to the wayside. I am not good with self-care. It’s a work in progress…much like I-75. I guess what I’m trying to say is it’s ok not to be ok. It’s a phrase we hear a lot but tend to forget when we’re in the thick of it. To anyone who doesn’t feel like they’re enough or like everything is too much – you’re not alone. We all have our days. I should have prefaced this post by telling you not to worry. I’m fine. I slept for a half a day and am feeling splendid but yesterday was not fun. And I’m sure I’ll have another not-fun day in the future. While it absolutely crushes me to admit this, I can’t be all the things all the time. I am more of a freelance superwoman. Most of the time, I’m human just like everyone else. Some days we do the saving, some days we need someone else to wear the cape. Yesterday I needed a hero…or five. Thankfully I have mine and, hopefully, I’ll be a little kinder to myself next time. I will end this with a quote that I hope speaks to your heart as it did mine…

For small creatures such as we…the vastness is only bearable through love.

– Carl Sagan & Ann Druyan

XXX