I fell yesterday. Like a sad middle-aged lady all alone walking without an umbrella in the rain, I went down. Hard. It was a banana peel kind of fall. I imagine it all happened in cartoon fashion. Most people would probably get up real quick and be all embarrassed. Nope. Not this girl. I just laid there like a bag of bones completely defeated. Now, to give you a visual, I actually fell right where cars turn in to get into the parking garage. You would think that would have inspired a little sense of urgency. Apparently not. I took into account that my skeleton seemed to have held together through the slip and then I remember thinking to myself ‘Somebody just run me over. It might hurt a little but at least I won’t have to go into work.’ I also managed to murder a cactus this week. And that’s the kind of week I’m having.
I’ve been busy. The busy where you enter that phase in life where there isn’t enough time in the day. And let’s be clear. Telling someone there isn’t enough time in the day is a real hotdog thing to say. There’s actually the perfect and correct amount of time in the day dating back to the Greeks and Egyptians. 24 hours. That’s how long it’s ever always been even before anyone actually figured it out. It’s called the rotation of the Earth. It can’t be changed and the idea that there is even a possibility that it can be is ludicrous. It’s is such an old person thing to say and it honestly makes me want to punch myself in the face. Like I have SO MUCH to do that I want to manipulate time? When did I become so important? Being busy has apparently made me slightly loco.
And to be clear, there is nothing I am doing currently that would contribute to society in such a way that it would require or justify more hours in a day. I’m not trying to save the world, okay? I’m no vigilante with a secret cave of capes, I am not a scientist on the verge of a revolutionary discovery or a secret agent with a greater purpose. I’m just a 34 year old girl with blue eyes, losing her battle with gravity, trying to figure out how to carve in more time to wander aimlessly around the world and social media while drinking bottles of wine with my friends. I just want to explore the Earth while libating with the occasional bubble bath in between while looking semi-attractive, ok?! Lately I have just felt like my face is sliding down my head. I’m a human Dali painting. I can’t even find the time to hide the atrocity that is this face. I have walked out of my apartment too many times to count without a shred of makeup on these past few weeks and let’s be honest, I’m scaring the children.
What have I been doing, you ask? Well…(throat clear)…I’m working two jobs, writing all the while in between on several different projects, trying to be a contributing member of society, doing my best to get those eight hours of sleep, navigating wildly and hysterically through my love life like the fourth blind mouse on a wheel, attempting to be as good a friend or better than Six was to Blossom, doing what I can so that I don’t die alone, occasionally washing my hair, avoiding my nightmare neighbor, trying my best NOT to keep up with the Kardashians, cause who has time for that when you have a family like mine? You go find Carmen Sandiego, I’ll go figure out where in the world Lakme’ is today. She’s a certified gypsy I tell you. I was supposed to go on a date this week and the guy text me over the weekend and said ‘Where my pics at baby?’ Ugh, gross. NEXT! So basically my life looks very similar to the broken dream that is my March Madness bracket.
When I was younger, I imagined being an adult would be so different. If I could crawl back into my childhood for a week, I would. I would spend seven days in my jammies eating food prepared by someone else, demanding passwords to enter my pillow-fort watching my favorite movie on repeat. I just need a minute. I even feel guilty saying that. My best friend called me the other day and her voice was echoing so I asked where she was. She told me she was in the bathroom and when I asked what the pounding was, she replied in a monotone voice ‘My children trying to get in.’ We could all use a little escape every now and then. I am very likely to disappear without telling anyone just to recenter and focus. Don’t send help. Send booze.
I am tired. I feel beaten down. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve fallen asleep on my computer. It’s non-stop. I’m exhausted and clearly a bit whiny. Self care has never been my forte. I am notorious for putting everyone and everything before myself. It’s what I do. I need to love myself a little harder cause she deserves it. If I can’t treat myself right, how can I expect anyone else to? I have to be better- not only for myself but for the loves in my life. Always strive to be better. You are more powerful than you believe, so be very careful on where you dispense your energy and who you embrace with it. Make sure it’s an even exchange. Don’t let the world run you down…cause it will. Find your strength, know your limits, take a breath and get back up again. You got this.