Jesus died. April Fool’s. Jesus was just kidding. Pastels were worn around town like a Lily Pulitzer parade and ‘egg recipes’ has been the top google search of the week. Good luck in that house. Easter has come and gone. It’s April and before I know it I’ll be 40 and I still haven’t been to Greece or Italy or pet a whale’s tongue or punched someone in the face which are all things on my bucket list and time is ticking people! With my dad’s family’s lifeline, my midlife crisis should have been in my late 20s. Although my mom’s great Aunt Bernie lived to be 102. What a life she had- over a century of memories. I’m hoping for something in between…if anyone is listening.
Jesus is risen and if he knows anything it’s that I sat in his house praying I wouldn’t get sick cause someone had too much of his blood the night before…and by his blood I mean wine and all of her cousins. I leaned over and asked my sister how you make Holy Water because in all honesty, I was close to slamming my face right into the fountain Neutrogena style. Her response was “You boil the hell out of it”, which is a quote from Nunsense. I couldn’t stop laughing which explains my state of mind at the time because it’s really not that funny. And then for the first time in the history of all my life, I opted not to have wine at communion. There’s really nothing worse than disappointing yourself and missing the best part of mass. Please cue the nun to start following me with a cowbell yelling ‘Shame! Shame! Shame!’ And that’s what happens when you mix more than one Kodros with a Michigan game.
You ever looked in the mirror and been like “Who are you?” I found myself doing that the other night and it might have had to do with the fact that I was still hungover as the sun was going down but I took a real good look at myself. I realized it’s not something I do very often. I spend more time trying to cover her up. I will never spend more time with another human and yet, she still surprises me. The things she says, the things she does, the things she feels. Every once in a while she throws me for a loop and it makes me wonder if I’ve ever really taken the time to get to know her. Who is she? Am I who other people think I am? It gives me a lot of anxiety that I might never see her the way they do. If someone could invent perspective glasses the world would be a better place. Just saying.
There are times in my life when I feel like a real Julia Roberts runaway bride. I don’t mean in the way you’re thinking. Let me back track. I have never been proposed to…unless you count that man back in 2007 who yelled at me from a truck bed with half a hotdog in his mouth hanging out the passenger side window beating on the door with his palms. I took my chances and passed. I mean, like in the movie, do I know how I like my eggs? Do I really know myself and what I like or do I just like things because other people like them? It’s a funny thing. Most of us like things a certain way because of how we were raised. Go into any kindergarten classroom and ask how each kid wants their peanut butter and jelly sandwich. And good luck. I made my nephew’s sandwich wrong once and the next thing I know, picture frames are flying off the wall like the poltergeist entered our house. It’s a very serious three ingredient sandwich guys. Don’t mess it up.
Am I who I am meant to be or am I what other people have made me to be? Or is that what a person is supposed to be? – A culmination of all of your individual experiences, memories, influences and relationships. I would like to think I came into this Earth with some sense of self and not just a bag of bones waiting to be impressed upon. So this thought has been plaguing me and I’ve been doing my best, as of late, to really listen to myself and be as authentic as possible. I think too many of us spend way too much time trying to be something else. Whether it’s in an effort to fit in, fly under the radar or for sheer approval purposes, it’s exhausting. So in an effort to fully embrace my individuality, I’m going to stop asking my friends what they are going to wear. In fact, I’m not even going to ask where they’re going anymore. I’m just gonna live in my towel forever.
The journey to finding yourself is never ending. I was just telling someone yesterday that I still have so much exploring to do. And not in an Eat, Pray, Love kind of way (wow, I’m really channeling Julia today aren’t I?), but just in that I want to see the world and forge a path that is solely mine. Yes, I am open to meeting other people, but I am also very much dedicated to being at one with myself. Growing up, I was such a go with the flow person, like a shell in the ocean. I always have been. Maybe it’s time to be a little more precise, a lot more intentional and heaps more invested in what I want. I spent far too much time eating scrambled eggs. I like my eggs sunny-side up, over medium. Stop having what everyone else is having. Break free.