catch me if you can

I have had a whirlwind of a week.  Did a little brunching, did a little wine tasting, did a little line dancing, did a little celebrating, did a little sun tanning in 110 degree weather.  Also, a bartender tried to kill me.  He failed…but A for effort.  This time of year is a bit crazy with travel and thankfully I live for a get-away.  When I vacay, I vacay hard.  No joke.  I won’t pay $5.99 for shipping, but 3 hours into vacation, I’m paying for tabs like I just won the powerball.  Meet vacay Jen, she’s very fun.  She’s also the main source of my debt.  I often wish I could always be like vacay Jen but I know more than most that you’ve gotta work hard to play hard.  So I do.  If we had it that good all of the time, would we ever really appreciate it?  Would it become just another thing in the world I take for granted?   The majority of my bucket list is filled with places I want to see.  This bird has got to fly and so she shall.

Humans have a thing for always wanting what they don’t or can’t have.  Once they have it, they move on to the next thing.  Divide and conquer.  More more more.  We really are a bunch of garbage people who have a hard time ever being satisfied.  Some of us are simply thrilled by the chase.  We forget to appreciate what’s right in front of us.  We need to do a much better job of remembering where we came from.  Yes, evolve and upgrade but do so knowing that doesn’t mean you have to leave everything else behind.  How do we forget so quickly the importance and sentiment of the life we’ve built for ourselves?  It’s as if we believe that consistency and dedication are equivalent to settling.  Our expectations set us up for failure time and time again – the true root of all heartache.  So we must fight for what we want but we must also fight for what we have – sometimes when we’ve forgotten why we wanted it in the first place.  Time can be a little minx.  Feelings waver but the heart keeps us honest.  If we got what we wanted every single time we had a whim, how would we ever learn to endure?  To prevail?  To rise above?  To get back up again and again?  To be appreciative?

I was raised middle class – maybe even blue collar at that – and I feel all the richer for it.  I learned to earn my own money and work hard from an early age.  I had a paper route when I was 7.  I started babysitting when I was 9.  I wasn’t handed much.  I rarely, if ever, went to my parents for money.  I always think it’s crazy when people say they borrowed money from their parents or give really dumb advice like ‘just ask your parents’ as if they are an ATM at my disposal.  I’m like, huh?!  That’s not a thing.  Not for me at least.  They raised me to be self-sufficient and while I may not have always seen the upside of that growing up, I certainly am thankful now.  I am the fierce person you know because of it.  I’ve obviously asked for help and found myself in a few situations in the past – my mom paid for a month’s rent when my checks started bouncing from my first job in LA and I essentially didn’t get paid for two months – it was a real bright time in my life when I was living off of saltines and water and had 17 cents in my bank account.  So many thumbs up.  But boy was I skinny – silver lining!  GOOD TIMES!  I paid her back, calm down.

I’ve been told that I’m too picky and while I get that I am older than the average single woman, I don’t see a problem with that.  If I’m going to have to wake up to that mug everyday I don’t want an ounce of buyer’s remorse.  Not ever.  Forever is a really long time.  Although I will say if my family’s median lifeline has anything to do with my longevity, I have about 20 years left, so maybe I should put that in my bio – it might increase my worth in a land full of commitment issues.  However I will say that I’m realizing that when people genuinely like me, I no longer like them.  What is that even about?  It’s like, oh!  You’re a nice, respectable, grown adult with a job, manners, matching stemware and chivalry to boot?  No thanks-I’d rather hold out for the guy who never responds to my texts and calls me at 3am when he’s microdosing twice a year!!!  Oh – you’re gonna lead me on for six months, break down all my barriers and then leave me high and dry?  Sign me up!  Yes please!  It’s almost like if it’s too easy or if it actually seems safe, I run the other direction, which is a very me thing to do – continually run towards the fire.  Perhaps I like fire.  Maybe I am not afraid to burn for the things I love…or maybe I’m a total masochist.  Or maybe it’s a puzzle I can’t seem to finish and I am determined at all costs.  Or maybe I’m wild and too in love with freedom.  Perhaps I’ll forever be afraid of anything that holds me down.  As I mentioned, this bird has got to fly and she shall.

Life is about moderation.  Taking everything in equal doses.  Never too much and not too little.  Goldilocks your life away.  Find your just right.  As someone with an addictive personality, it’s sometimes hard to find my just right.  I’m an all or nothing kind of gal-always have been.  Staying balanced can be very tricky.  I’m a huge fan of doing what I want to do instead of doing what I should be doing,  It’s a problem but I’m working on it.  Life isn’t easy, I think we can all agree on that, but it sure has its moments that make it worthwhile.  Work hard so you can play hard.  Find your happy always – just be mindful you don’t overindulge.  In a world where such revered people as Robin Williams and Kate Spade could not find a reason, I hope you have yours.  It’s always darkest before the dawn.  Life comes in ebbs and flows and sometimes the best we can do is hang on.  The Rolling Stones once said, ‘You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need.’  You gotta roll with the punches.  Stay in the ring and don’t give up.  And when you feel the urge – fly – so the sun can chase you every now and again.