It’s October.  That spooky time of year.  And what’s more scary than ghosts and dating?  Honestly, you could give me the option of a haunted house and a dating app and I’d probably go for the house.  And I HATE haunted houses.  I get irrationally scared and the entire time I’m wishing I was at home making soup and watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  If you really think about it, dating is essentially a haunted house.  You never want to go but all your friends talk you into it like it’s a great idea and you’re the only one not doing it and it’s going to be “so fun”.  Next thing you know, you’re walking around on eggshells in the pitch dark, your heart is skipping to a beat you’ve never heard before, strangers are just popping out of corners left and right, one of them is definitely a serial killer and you’ve come to the realization that the best case scenario is making it out alive.  That is what dating in 2018 is.  Just out here chasing ghosts and looking for the keymaster.  It’s like, I’m sure you’re out there but I can’t see you and even if I did find you I’d be so scared I’d end up running down the hall screaming into the next county.  Nobody panic, I got this.

Believe it or not, I actually grew up in a haunted house.  Crazy, right?  I know there are a lot of people out there who don’t believe in that kind of thing.  I know I wouldn’t if I hadn’t lived it.  But I did…as if childhood isn’t scary enough.  We were on the haunted house tour.  Alton, IL.  Google it – one of the most haunted towns in America – a river town that was integral to the Underground Railroad.  There’s a place called the McPike Mansion – to this day I can drive by that place in broad daylight and still get goosebumps.  Luckily our ghost was nice.  She hung out by the 2nd floor bathroom.  We heard things, saw things.  It was a real bummer if you had to go and get something from upstairs when no one else was up there.  Yikes.  I will never understand people’s desire to be scared.  I remember my friends wanting to play Bloody Mary, Ouija boards, light as a feather stiff as a board.  What a bunch of masochists.  No thanks.

Okay,  so back to dating.  Let’s talk about ghosting.  This has got to stop folks.  For those of you who don’t know, ghosting is when someone ends communication with you without any kind of explanation.  It’s a fancy word for ignoring someone.  The amount of ghosting that happens is not only astounding but it’s unacceptable.  And here is the thing, if you can’t be honest with someone, you aren’t mature enough to be dating anyways.  If your idea of ending things with someone is the hope that they will simply disappear, you have a very irrational idea of how the world works and belong in a stroller.  This isn’t a soap opera, this isn’t a movie – use your words, act your age and put on your big boy/girl pants for the love of all we’ve learned from Shakespeare.

“Everything was going great and then I never heard from him again.”  That’s what casual dating is anymore.  And it’s not like back in the day when you would move and get a new phone number and become unreachable.  Now we’ve become very attached to our phone numbers.  I’ve had people call me in tears because they’ve had to change their numbers.  Tears.  So it’s very rare that our numbers change anymore.  So there’s a constant line of access that gives a person false hope.  I’ve had people respond to texts two months later, it’s like – what actual planet in this universe do you come from that you think that’s even a fraction of the word acceptable?  What 3 year old gave you that advice and how does your mom cut your peanut butter sandwich everyday?

And, for the record, by just ignoring someone and not having to “be an asshole” – you’re being an asshole.  You’re not dead.  We know this because you keep posting on social media and your insta-story says you’re at a club in San Fran.  Also, stop liking and watching our shit.  If you’re gonna ghost me – GHOST ME LIKE YOU MEAN IT!!  Because you aren’t fooling anybody.  You’re a slimy ding dong.  It’s called respect.  Have some or karma will find you and she is a vengeful little B.  Just know, when you ghost someone, you’re announcing that you’re a teeny peeny coward who has no soul, morals or dignity.  And here’s the thing, most people aren’t ghosted because they’ve gotten stalky or did something wrong, most people are ghosted for NO REASON WHATSOEVER other than the fact they chose to spend some time with an honorary member of Slytherin.  Gross.  BE BETTER.

I’ve always said the worst way to lose someone would be for them to disappear.  There are as many as 100,000 active missing person cases at any given moment.  That is a terrifying fact.  There’s no closure, no answers.  One second they were there and then all of a sudden they weren’t.  It’s awful.  That is what some people are voluntarily doing to others just because it’s the easy way out and every single one of those people deserve to be gone-girled – yeah, I just made that a verb.  Be men and women of the world that treat one another like they matter. This isn’t some she-woman-man-haters club, girls do it too.  So to all of you, STOP IT.  Don’t leave me hanging, don’t leave him hanging, don’t leave her hanging.  I don’t want to have to explain ghosting to my grandkids…or my kids at this rate.

If you’ve never been ghosted, it’s probably because you’re always the one doing the ghosting – so QUIT IT BRAD AND DENISE!!!!  Grow some balls and boobs!  What is the big deal?  Oh no!!!  I stuck my tongue down their throat for a few hours/ days/ weeks/ months/years and now you want me to TALK to them?  Yes, you human piece of garbage!  It’s called respect.  It’s not hard.  I understand you don’t want to purposely hurt anyone’s feelings.  A lot of people have a complex that if you break up with someone that makes you the “bad guy”.  To that I say, eff you.  Just because you didn’t do the breaking up doesn’t make you the good guy either.  Let’s just put a hatchet in all of that right now you narcissist psycho .  The truth hurts as they say, but it doesn’t hurt nearly as much as the piles of lies you’ll end up telling instead.  The truth will set you free.  With everything going on in the world, can we do our best to be honest with each other?  At the very least?  Let’s be grown ups.  Let’s all act our age.  Let’s golden rule our lives away.

Cause here’s the deal, dating is already scary enough.  You’re either going to marry the person or break up.  Eternity or heartbreak and they’re both terrifying in different ways.  So don’t ghost me, don’t bench me, don’t add me to your rolodex of harlots.  In fact, don’t even talk to me if you are incapable of handling human emotions.  Because let me tell you, and you can ask anyone who knows me, I have an entire freight train of them and I don’t need some amateur hour wasting my time.  If I’m going to be putting on a full face of makeup for you and have taken time out of my life to entertain you with my presence, you can at least let me know when the ride is over so I can step off gracefully with the tiniest bit of ego in tact.  I’ve seen it happen way too many times to incredible people who are left feeling like there is something wrong with them when the truth is, the ones doing the ghosting are the problem.  I grew up with real ghosts so I ain’t afraid of no ghosting.  Just RATIONALLY angry with a whole lot to say about it apparently.  So the next time I get ghosted, it better be because we’re making pottery together.


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