A very non-conversation heart Valentine’s Day to you and yours. Or maybe it’s just you and that’s totally fine. If you haven’t heard, there will be no sweethearts this holiday for the first time since the early 1900s – which I find confusing on a multitude of levels. Like, not only that they are still in business but they sell 8 BILLION tiny hearts every year. TO WHO?! How are there that many mediocre humans out there consuming 13 million pounds of straight up tasteless chalk bombs? In my humble but absolutely accurate opinion, sweetheart candies are to VDay what the black and orange candies are to Halloween – you don’t go to that house. And for anyone else who didn’t know, those candies are called Mary Janes. Who knew? So anyway, please explain to me who is trying to woo who with those things? OR, Mary Jane manufacturers, take a hint and add messages to your candies. The fact that no one is remotely pleased by the taste won’t matter. You’ll be a raging 100+ year success. Ugh, the world never ceases to amaze me.
So yeah, Valentine’s Day. Yay. Isn’t it fun? The day of expressing love with chocolate, roses, cards and overly priced prix fixe menus. Just a note for all the dudes reading this: if your lady says she doesn’t want to make a big deal out of it, it’s the equivalent to saying ‘I’m fine’. She’s not fine. She’s rarely fine. We’re almost never fine. Good luck out there, everyone. Most of you will have a wonderful day, some of you are going to be really disappointed and the rest of you are probably going to end up either crying or screaming in the back of an uber – maybe both. May the odds be ever in your favor. When in doubt, just feed em pizza and tell em they’re pretty. I’ll just be hanging out…by myself…waiting for that pickle bouquet. Just waiting…all alone…in my 500 square foot apartment with my broken blender. Just me, myself and I hanging out in sweats, cooking for one. I was told to never throw away a love letter but maybe I’ll just put on some Halsey and burn them one by one. As if. JUST KiDDING!
Alas, it is the THIRD annual Galentine’s Day. By the time you read this, I’ll be somewhere in, near or around Sin City. I say that because at 12AM this morning, I completed the Whole30 and I can’t predict how this day is going to go. BUT…if I had to guess, I would imagine I partook in the complimentary beverage Southwest offers on Valentine’s Day which in all likelihood led to another and let’s be honest, I probably had a Bloody Mary before I got on the plane. So that’s 3 more drinks in 3 hours than I’ve had the last 30 days all together. I think we all know where this is headed – AND I CANNOT WAIT. I’ve been waiting 30 days for this fiesta, literally. They don’t call me the ‘Mayor of Vegas’ for nothing. No one panic, I’ll be fine – statistically speaking…probably. I can’t make any promises. I would like to take this moment to preemptively apologize to the entire Clark County area. Who knows, maybe I’ll get married at the Taco Bell Cantina on the strip. You never know. Stay tuned for next week.
As much shade as I throw towards Valentine’s Day, you all know I’m a champion for love and romance. To all of the current loves in my life (you know who you are), I send all the squeezes you can handle. Thank you for dealing with my rapid fire texts, my drunk facetime-ing (you got a month off, you’re welcome), my inability to sit in silence, my obsession with reading and my very active undiagnosed ADD. You mean more to me than I have the time to express. My life is what it is because of you – you’re my confetti, my candelabra, my waterfall, my shimmer, my horizon, my ocean, my sunrise, my sunset, my oxygen, my symphony, my moon, my stars and my whole entire heart. I love you so effing much. I hope wherever you are, you are surrounded by love. And if you haven’t been feeling the love lately, I sure hope you feel it now. Like a giant Jon Snow furry blanket filled with Sprinkles cupcakes and served with a side of hot chocolate and heated socks in front of a fireplace. Cheers and kisses my loves.