If you ever want to discover where you are emotionally, put lights up on the Christmas tree and then wait for your mother to come in and tell you everything that’s wrong with it. In her defense, she was making a white chocolate mousse cheesecake of some kind but STILL. You know at the science center where you touch the metal and your hair goes crazy static and sticks out? That’s what my insides felt like. I don’t know how I got here – to Christmas Eve. This year has been a real rollercoaster full of epiphanies. And while it kinda seemed awful at times, I’d like to believe I grew a lot because of it. I remained kind through it all – even when I didn’t have to be and honestly probably shouldn’t have been. Life truly is a box of chocolates and expectations are the root of all heartache. And yet, teach me how not to have any. The paradox of life.
I recently flew into NC for my uncle’s 80th birthday and to the man sitting in seat 21E on flight 7466 – I hope when you bite into your Christmas chocolate tomorrow it’s full of fingernails. This man was insane. He took up half my seat. The amount of space this man thought he deserved is outrageous. Legs open wide like he owned the entire aisle. I could have screamed. And I almost had a chat with him about it until the man in front of him put his seat back and, this is not a joke, the guy punched the back of the seat. Not lightly either. And normally I’m a huge advocate of not putting the seat back. I think it’s rude, but the guy who’s sweatshirt and side-body were taking up a quarter of my space deserved it. So then of course I start to feel nauseous and sick. I can feel myself getting lightheaded and my entire body is sweating and at one point I was like – oh my god, I’m going to die on an airplane while flying over Kansas. Feeling this way is normally bad – add a mask and I was like – I’m not going to make it. So I pulled my mask down in an attempt to get a breath of fresh air and thank god the flight attendant was right there because she’s like ‘ma’am you have to -‘ Now here is where she was going to tell me to keep my mask on – VALID. But here is where she also saw my face and I must have looked REALLY bad because she stopped mid-sentence and goes, “Are you alright?” I shook my head and she leans in and is asking what’s wrong. She brings me a cup of ice and a garbage bag. Meanwhile the guy next to me could have cared LESS and just seemed annoyed I was having to reach over him for things. At this point, I’m soaking wet because I’ve sweat so much. It’s hot. I’m smashed against my window so there’s a bit of claustrophobia going on. I hadn’t eaten all day so low blood sugar not to mention the altitude. It was a bad combo. The god-send of a flight attendant comes by again and asks if we should call a medic or at least come sit with her in the back. I again declined and just held the ice on the back of my neck. For reasons I cannot explain at this time, my mind goes to ‘stop being embarrassing and making a scene’. Clearly I was not well or thinking. Why is that embarrassing somehow? It’s like when person gets hit by a car and they’re the embarrassed one somehow. I didn’t want my row to have to get up, I didn’t want to be a fuss – which is batshit after 21E’s display of big-dick energy throughout this flight. But at the time, that’s where I was and I was determined to tough it out like it was some kind of competition and I’d get a prize at the end. Spoiler alert – there was no prize, although I did survive. It was not a fun four hours. I got off that plane like I’d just been released from prison. I wish I had a before and after picture to show you. But what I did learn is that I’ll die slowly by myself in a corner before inconveniencing anyone else with it.
Speaking of Darwin Awards, let’s unpack the TRAGIC reboot that is Sex in the City. Grab a cocktail – you’ll need one. If you have not watched yet and plan to – skip the next 2 paragraphs. The first four minute I knew I was in trouble because first of all what is Charlotte’s face? Someone didn’t plan their surgery accordingly. Is her face getting a spinoff?? Is she next? CAN she be? By episode 3, Charlotte’s face calmed down but YIKES. Also, an adopted Asian uber talented classical music prodigy? WOW, what a unique storyline. (it’s not. It’s a huge stereotype and I’m shocked this made it to set for as “woke” as the the rest of the script is desperately trying to be. I’m even more shocked no one else has brought this up, because it was one of my main gripes) Then of course the tragic incident happened and someone get these people an Alexa. I actually gave Big the benefit of the doubt until my sister told me iphones are waterproof. My cousin actually told me she and her husband have iwatches and they jumped off their boat into the lake and the watch recognized it as a fall and sent EMTs – soooo…if he’d had an iWatch, all of this could have been solved. Not the allegations of course, but script wise. I mean that was a VERY long heart attack and my personal feeling is that if some of the characters had been a but more proactive in an emergency situation, Big would still be alive. Also this is how dumb society is – a fictional character had a heart attack and died after being on a Peloton and Peloton stock plummeted the next day. Poor Peloton. And then they made a commercial to fix it and then had to take that down after sexual misconduct allegations towards Chris Noth became public – which by the way is not a surprise. I waited on him several times and…yeah…he walked and talked like a duck. Which is to say if I were a profiler, he’d fit the bill. I’m not, so none of this is legally binding, but if a stranger came up and said he did this and this and this I’d believe her.
So anyway, I don’t want to be near any of thee idiots during an emergency situation because due to a lack of anyone doing ANYTHING, he dies… and then Carrie wears a plate on her head to his funeral. (Don’t you dare wear a plate on your head to my funeral) …and then the next scene she’s drinking martinis. And just like that, she seems fine. Um, in the movie she had to be fed soup and all they did was break up. Not to mention a movie has way less time than TV to deal with grief and it all just feels…ugh. Has Charlotte always been this annoying and I just didn’t notice? Miranda was always the most politically correct of all of them and it feels like her character has gone a full 180. An alcoholic?! And Carrie is smoking again?! ( i secretly kind of love that) This is more like very old grownups in the city – where’ the va va voom?! I mean the only sex being had or remotely discussed is Brady’s and GROSS. And let me be clear, I will continue to watch this because I’m a glutton for punishment…and for SJP’s fashion and Sara Ramirez who I ADORE. My overall opinion is congratulations Kim Cattrall!!! BRAVO!!!
Alas, this will be my last post of 2021. So long carnival fire. Alas, dry your tears and be grateful we can put a lid on this trash. I mean, this year has been a huge ‘no thanks’ for me. And apparently the White House convened with the devil before making their end of year statement by telling some Americans to expect, and I quote, a winter of death like we’re all residents of King’s Landing. Half the stuff I read anymore and the way people throw cruel statements around from behind screens like it’s nothing – it amuses and terrifies me all at once. Just remember you’re going to have to look back and be ok with the choices you made and the way you treated people. Which is why I will continue to annoy all of you with reminders of love, empathy and understanding. I will be turning in my computer to the powers that be for a week and alas be confused and have no idea what to do with myself for 7 days. So it looks like I’ll actually have to communicate with my family. Send alcohol. Wishing healthy and happy holidays to you and yours. Except for you lizard man sitting in 21E. I hope everyone puts their seats back while flying in front of you for the rest of your life. And that not mean…that’s just karma. And just like that…2021 was over. And the world rejoiced. SEE YOU NEXT YEAR!!!! (hahhahhaha….i hate myself)