Oh hello on a Friday. I’m 38 now. I do what I want. Due to health concerns, family ruckus and obligatory Olympic dedication, I decided to take last week off. If the energy of the last blog I posted was any indication, I think it was best for all of us. In fact, you’re welcome. Unless it’s about the Olympics or my future husband, I’ve been off the grid with the energy of a loose leaf piece of paper. If you don’t believe me, I stayed sober at a bridal shower which, after review, should be illegal. I cannot express in words how dumb being sick as an adult is…and, yet, I will try. It’s like waking up after a 3 day bender with no water in sight surrounded by screaming children in a space the size of a queen bed and you are scheduled to run a half marathon but are also having to do damage control from all the texts you don’t remember sending and everything hurts and you’d like the world to disappear and for everyone to leave you alone and to just melt through your bed into a land of clouds where nothing matters anymore. I think that’s fairly accurate. On the plus side, food is not appealing to me so I just might hit my goal wedding weight after all. Yay – said with the enthusiasm of a hippo. Speaking of my body, I’ve decided one of three things is happening. Either I’m collassally bigger than I think I am, cameras should be outlawed or I have body dysmorphia and have no idea what I actually look like and need to make an appointment with a psychologist immediately. Whoever said growing up would be fun was clearly on meth or raised on an estate with horses and a housekeeper.

I’m an old woman now and I have a sneaking suspicion that this trip around the sun is going to be epic. Let me tell you why – Dave Chappelle put on a show for me on my birthday. I know, I couldn’t believe it either. It ended up being one of the most magical evenings in LA ever. He announced a surprise show around 7 for a midnight show at a very small venue in Los Angeles and thankfully I have people in my life who know me best, so we nabbed tickets and IT.WAS.EVERYTHING!!!! I mean, I could not have started the year on any higher of a note. I think that was a sign from the universe that she’s got my back and to just keep swimming. It was a perfect night – that started with quite a bit of Italian food and ended in the wee hours of the night after laughing so hard, my face hurt. Dave did not disappoint. I can die a moderately happy woman now. Quick note – to anyone I ever told I wanted to be buried in my swimsuit wrapped in the American flag, uhhhh, that is no longer something I want. Nobody wants that. Save your money. Just throw me to the whales wrapped in a Hefty, thanks. You have permission to go full Bateman on me. So I’m taking all of this as an omen and riding off into the proverbial sunset with it. Wind in my hair, not looking back, no more scrubs, keeping it classy, eyes on the horizon, no time for your drama, putting myself first, saying no more often, constantly creating, believing in myself and not giving into bullshit, liars, narcissists or negative nancy’s evermore! PS – if you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE. Seek the nearest exit and GTFO. They don’t care about you, they will make you feel ‘less than’ every chance they can, they are only concerned with themselves, they will twist you words, they will deny their own words and you will always be replaceable. Also they suck and you will literally lose your hair in clumps. Ain’t nobody got time for that. Next!

Alright, I gave you two-ish paragraphs without mentioning the white elephant in the room. Obviously you know you aren’t getting through this without way more Olympic information than you never wanted, cause duh. So here we go. What an eventful week it has been. Here is what I’ve learned so far…Laurie Hernandez’s dad has type 2 diabetes. Michele Tafoya should be forbidden from interacting with athletes – I mean – it is PAINFUL to watch. You’re telling me the entire NBC Sports network doesn’t have a single employee who can come up with better questions than her?? If I were an competing, I would contemplate losing just so I wouldn’t have to talk to her. She gets paid an awful lot of money to ask THE WORST questions. It gives me anxiety. Anytime she gets through an interview without offending anyone, it’s a huge sigh of relief. Half the time I’m yelling at the screen cheering for USA, the other half I’m yelling for Michele to be fired. It’s a toss up. What else have I learned? Mixed Doubles Table Tennis is one of the craziest sports I’ve ever watched and if you think that’s not how I’m going to serve in ping-pong moving forward you’d be mistaken. I’m not sure how scoring works in gymnastics but I’m pretty sure falling off the balance beam is bad so I’m still very confused as to how the ROC beat USA in the team competition. I’m quite baffled with the scoring process all-together. It seems suspect and very…well, Russian. The Australian swim coach is an overly spirited, emotionally abusive sociopath. That 13 year old skateboarder from Brazil is already cooler than I will ever be. Katie Ledecky is still a queen. If you don’t win gold, people think you’re street trash and in case you forgot, Laurie Hernandez’s dad still has diabetes. I’m living on Tokyo time and am typically watching 4 different events on 4 different devices at one time and I’m trying to catch as much of the action as I can. I imagine it’s what having children is like. You look away for one second and that’s when all the things happen. I will say, everytime I watch an opening ceremony I always get jealous of other countries’ origins. Japan has this flute like music and it’s all beautiful and rhythmic and serene and then it’s America with tri-tip hats, cannons and a lot of screaming.

And (sigh) I’m going to make this short cause I’m a bit tired of the conversation but here is my two cents on Simone Biles – who cares. What Biles has accomplished and the precedent she has set for the sport is undeniable but as far as these Olympics go, she’s inconsequential. And I don’t mean that to be callous to her situation or to belittle her stand for mental health but if she’s not competing, and I fully respect and understand that decision, I’m choosing to focus on the athletes that are. She doesn’t owe a country of people yelling from their couches while stuffing their faces with cheese fried whatevers a single thing. Reactions from disappointment to shame to applause are circulating and sure, have your opinion, but it doesn’t really matter. Despite what you think, these people don’t perform for us and this past year has proven that. And don’t even think about mentioning Kerri Strug to me – go watch Athlete A and get back to me. The four girls who did compete had to practically DEFEND winning the silver medal. It just made me a little sad for them knowing they weren’t able to celebrate or feel proper excited. These athletes have an insurmountable amount of pressure on them – it’s like anything outside of gold is a garbage performance and that notion is ridiculous. The fact that these athletes are even in Tokyo at all is a feat that should be celebrated and revered. When did third best in the world become so disappointing? Can we all ask ourselves that? Can we talk about the 46 year old woman who is participating in her EIGHTH Olympics this year?! Talk about a legend. If I won a bronze and anyone made me feel bad about it, I’d be like – 3rd best IN THE WORLD DUMMY! YOU KNOW IT! What did you do today? I would wear the medal everywhere I went until my neck couldn’t take the weight of it anymore. 95 and walking around the mall in my swish suit with that bronze medallion hanging on the outside. RESPECT!

On an unrelated note, I still don’t understand how a soccer game can end in PKs. I don’t understand how any game can end in a shoot-out. I just find it so anticlimactic and unsatisfying. All of the pressure falls on the goalie and it just doesn’t feel right. I don’t understand ties either. It’s a game, there should be a winner. But back to my main point, shoot-outs sent my blood pressure through the roof. I hated it in Mighty Ducks and I hate it now. The anxiety it gives me is not healthy. I was in bed this morning screaming at my computer screen before 10AM – screaming. Way too much excitement before noon. Anyway this thing is getting long and I have a plane to catch. To every single athlete in Tokyo right now – I applaud you with my entire heart!! Gold, silver or bronze, podium or not, you’re a champion in my book…and my opinion is very important to at least three other people in the western hemisphere, so (said through a megaphone) You’re Welcome! Have a great weekend – see you soon – could be next week, could be a month, could be tomorrow. She’s a wild-card folks! Xx

For anyone wondering, yes that’s me doing the butterfly in one of my first swim meets as a young blood. It’s a VERY attractive picture – definite components of a Mona Lisa. If you’ll notice, one goggle is green and the other is blue ’cause that’s how cool I was and still am. Huzzah!


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