Well this week has been FULL OF SURPRISES!!! I received word that I was hired for my dream job and will now be PAID money to watch holiday films and write reviews! I met a man while I was out for a run and he’s amazing! No psycho characteristics detected yet thus far. He’s also visiting family but lives in LA – what are the odds!? (sorry, Jason) I got early access to a non-DNA filled vaccine and it’s now impossible for me to get or give COVID-19 and I can now go about my life like it’s 1999. I’m down to my goal weight and in the best shape I’ve been in since high school. SNL reached out and wants to use some of our sketches in 2021. My landlord got a hold of me and I don’t have to pay rent again till June ’21 which means I will be debt free by summer! My doctor told me I’m no longer allergic to dogs which is a Christmas miracle! Looking at you Bernese Mountain dogs – I’m coming for ya. My eyes have somehow found their way back to 20/20 so no more contacts for me! And I’m obviously kidding and nothing I’ve written thus far is true. But seriously, SNL, use the sketch packet. You need it.
Here’s what’s really happening in my life. I woke up to a man outside of my window on the roof singing Born in the USA as it was snowing. Turns out he didn’t know any other lyrics so he just kept singing that verse over and over and over. I’ve been wearing the same sweatpants for 2 weeks. My mom keeps her house at a it’s-Narnia-freezing. The only time I’m ever warm is when I’m in the shower. I turn the water as hot as it will go and I’m pretty sure it’s actually burning my skin and I could care less. I’m on day 54 of 80-day Obsession and it’s the literal worst and best part of my day. I’m pretty sure if I stopped eating cheese I’d weigh 100 pounds which would be fun since I haven’t weighed that little since I was 8 years old. I’m really trying to like the album Evermore as much as Folklore and having a super tough time with it. I talked to an old man named Bob while on a walk who told me he was a hostage negotiator who lived in San Fran for awhile with his girlfriend who would put out for drugs which was why they broke up. When he said ‘put out’, he raised his eyebrows suggestively and goes ‘if you know what I mean’. I’d known Bob for 3 minutes and I think that’s an important part of the story. Also, I still don’t know when to write into or in to, or a while or awhile. If anyone can explain, you know where to find me. WHY was there a man on the roof you ask? Does it really matter? 2020 mysteries…
Topic of the week. Tom Cruise. Here we go. If you haven’t heard about his meltdown on the set of Mission Impossible 7, here you go. ETHAN HUNT RANT First of all, who knew there were SEVEN Mission Impossibles? 7??!?!?! This is getting Grey’s Anatomy, Fast & Furious outta control. Like, WHEN DOES THIS SHIT END? Can’t anyone take a note from Fleabag or Schitt’s Creek and get out while it’s good and leave people wanting? But alas, money still exists, and so I’ll probably end up taking my grandsons to see Mission Impossible 75 starring all of Ethan Hunt’s illegitimate children from all of his illicit affairs through the years who have formed their own spy agency to avenge their father. Write that down. See? I’m full of ideas. So, let me tell you a little bit about what I know personally about Tom. He may be short and his teeth are for sure off center but he is a kind and VERY intense human. When he looks at you, it’s as if he’s rummaging through your soul. If there’s a secret in there, he will find it. It’s like that feeling you get as your gyno rolls towards you on her little stool and it’s the moment of truth but there’s always this ugh-why-is-this-happening feeling going through the back of your mind where you kinda wish you hadn’t showed up at all, but you did that one thing that one time and it’s probably for the best and now you’re spread eagle in a room with a relative stranger and there’s nothing you can do but close your eyes and pray you make it out there not pregnant. That’s what Tom Cruise looking at you is like. In a room full of people. Fully clothed. And that’s when he’s in a good mood. In conclusion, I would not want to be NEAR this dude when he’s angry and I certainly would not want to be the target of his wrath but you know what? He’s not wrong. How do you fault a guy for yelling about wanting to help provide jobs, put food on the table and afford an education? And maybe you’re thinking Cruise is the new Karen of Covid but the thing is, these people signed contracts, they knew the rules and they got caught. Have I ever disobeyed my boss? Yes…but my boss isn’t Pete “Maverick” Mitchell. So if you’re having a rough week, at least you didn’t piss off Tom Cruise.
Also, celebrities, can you PLEASE stop doing commercials? You’re already taking over primetime and streaming services, give the little people a fighting chance, will ya? And dear sweet ever so talented, how are you so tall?, blockbuster babe Nicole Kidman…maybe take a year off huh? Maybe hang out with your family or become a professional siesta-er or go live on an island I’m sure you can afford in residuals alone or just, I don’t know, TAKE A BREATH!? I mean, does that woman ever rest? She’s like a Tesla hybrid of modern day entertainment. I feel like every single thing I watch is starring Nicole Kidman or narrated by Nicole Kidman or was written for Nicole Kidman. And when she’s not in it, she’s in the background of it or producing it, sometimes both. If Jennifer Lawrence can afford a break, so can you. In fact, you could probably retire right now and still know wealth I will never comprehend because I am but a sitar player in the metaphorical life that is Moulin Rouge. She’s legit everywhere. If I went to grab something from the fridge she’d probably pop out of it. If she was announced to be the next bachelorette, I wouldn’t bat an eye. And then Chris Harrison would be able to say honestly and emphatically that it would be the most dramatic season EVER. And there ya go bachelor nation, another genius idea by yours truly – celebrity bachelorette..cause dating is hard when you’re famous. (is it tho?)
As I’m sure you’ve deduced by now, I’m pretty sure none of this is making sense or tracking and I’m kind of fine with that given the state of the world right now. So fine in fact, I might do my 23&Me Ancestry kit because at this rate, I could turn into a newt by next Fall so why do I care if my DNA is in some lab in California? Also if anyone’s feeling bored, feel free to send me a surprise. It’s all I can really hope for in this stage of things. Whether it’s the government coming up with an actual #$%&ing plan laced with even a smidge of confidence or a snowball to the face, I don’t even care. Send me a letter, send me a polaroid of your face, SEND ME SOMETHING. Hell, send me a used tissue in a box (don’t send that). I’ve reached the ‘hand soap is bringing me joy’ portion of quarantine. My mom has this iced cinnamon roll soap and I gotta tell you – game.changer. I don’t even eat cinnamon rolls but this stuff will make you believe that you’ll wake up on January 1 and the world will be taped back together again! I want to find this stuff in bulk. I want to send it to the masses. I wish it would SNOW this stuff. And yes, that’s me as the Queen of Dragons and yes, that’s who I am now. No further questions. Ta-Ta. Xx