‘Hi’ she says musically peeking from behind a corner with a mixture of mischief, apologies and trepidation. I know, I know – I ghosted you like a loser who snuck out the window in the middle of the night but is that a 2020 way to end the year or what? C’mon, you’ve let worse people back into your life. Hope everyone had a most splendid holiday and indulged in all the merry and bright you could find. For those of you who couldn’t be with family – call the people that were with their family. Ah, the glory of perspective. It’s finally 2021 and while things aren’t better, possibly even worse, we made it, right!? My life has been a little hectic as of late but hey, I asked for an adventure didn’t I? I suppose I should be a little more specific moving forward considering my manifestation skills. I’m telling you, I’m a witch. My mother even called me one yesterday but between us, I don’t think she meant it as a compliment. (Hi, ma) What I do know is that I for sure was eating queso in the bathtub the other night and I plan on doing that as much as possible this year. They say you have to create your own happiness, right?
So 2021, here we are. I wasn’t sure I was going to make it. Every time I cough or my chest gets tight or I wheeze ( I have asthma), I think ‘Is this it?’ And while normally I would attribute that to my pension for the over-dramatic, it’s actually a serious concern as of late. Crazy times. Someone said to me the only time they ever blew their hair dry last year was for funerals. So I guess let’s aim for better than that? It’s a tricky terrain these days. I will say I didn’t get this sudden sense of relief when the clock struck midnight. And this was reinforced when I saw a sign on the highway that said ‘New Year, Same Virus’. (sigh) The new year is always a little rough for me anyway. Everyone’s all excited and ready for a clean slate and celebrating the happy but I can’t help but think it’s another year gone, another chapter written, another passage of time sealed shut, another year I’ve survived without my dad. NYE was the last time I spoke to him. It’s hard to feel all of that when everyone else around you is all bright eyed and optimistic. I guess I kind of mourn the year if you will. I think back on what I accomplished, what I didn’t. What I want to bring with me, what I should leave. It’s not that I don’t want to move forward but that I have to gather the troops to do so. The troops being my feelings – every last stupid stubborn one of them. It’s like trying to gather a herd of fruit flies on meth. Fun!
I finally fulfilled a bucket list item and flew first class. While I’m sitting there all thrilled and giddy, this woman gets on board going on and on about there not being wifi. Then she calls over the flight attendant to complain further as if we all didn’t already hear her the entire way onto the plane. “Can you believe this?! No wifi – (long disgusted sigh like she’s really experiencing the WORST of 2020) – what am I supposed to do for 2 hours?!” It’s two hours lady – and that fact that she was aware of this makes my head want to explode. It’s not like we were headed to Russia. I mean we’ve all lived through the 80s, right? Figure it out. Maybe read a book? Or, I don’t know?! – Talk to your kid sitting next to you. GET IT TOGETHER whatever you do. Jiminy. She wouldn’t last three hours in my life. But what do I know? I’m just an economy type of gal from the midwest who thinks wood oven pizzas and Coors Lights are perfectly acceptable on all occasions. Add champagne and a side of sauce and I’ll believe I’m in heaven. I’m tellin you, the wrong people have too much money and I’m tempted to straight up rob them all just to prove my point. Speaking of which, I’ve been doing a lot of online browsing. Confession, I may or may not have a Christmas-sized heap of packages waiting for me when I return home. But back to the browsing, there is an ALARMING amount of bucket hats on the market. If those atrocities are making a comeback, I’m going to need to speak with a manager. STAT. There’s a reason no one found Gilligan attractive. No one’s taking anyone in that hat seriously or to dinner…Ew, David!
Well you’re either one of two people now – you’ve either watched the new Wonder Woman and learned firsthand what a total heap of gazelle carcass it is OR you’ve heard from everyone else in your life not to waste your time with 3+ texts about how awful it is and why and what else you could do with your time instead. I think I’ll just slide this into the same file folder as Cats for when I decide to mix cinema with narcotics. At this rate, it might be tonight. I’ve been going through boxes of my stuff in my mom’s basement and what a blast from the past it has been. Somebody must have told me to never throw away a love letter because WOW. I found about 8 journals of pure nonsense. NONSENSE. A note that said ‘Whoever has my shoes, I’m really mad!’ – with the response – ‘We’re really sorry you’re mad. Love, Dad’. I found a not-so-nice piece of paper about my grandma (who I adore) but I did take the time to switch colored markers every few lines and ended it with, ‘it’s not my fault Ryan is covered in mud’. I can’t make this stuff up. All of my teachers seemed to be very united in the fact that I did not like being told what to do and talked too much during class. Shocker.
I write all of this while the US Capitol has been stormed by protestors and DC is in utter chaos. ‘Stormed’ is a strong word. It looked more like an open house – I bet there was a plate of biscuits somewhere in there. Somehow, someway people are surprised. Are you surprised Kim and Kanye are getting a divorce too? I’ve seen this coming for WEEKS. How our own government didn’t is BEYOND ME. Oh, people are mad? Yes. And they’re on their way here? Mmhmm. We should still meet at the same place, same time yea? Definitely – and leave the doors unlocked. You know what? Just give security the day off…except for that one guy. I MEAN…WTF?! What is this? A hot dog stand? It’s harder to get into Soho House. Hell, it was harder to open a DVD case in the 90s. A tweet said it best, “I am no longer impressed Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence”. FACT. Alas, don’t worry, the mayor put a curfew in place so I’m sure it’ll be fine. (complete and utter sarcasm) I think we’re beyond curfews. Look, I try to steer clear of politics around these parts but I am not and will never condone violence, support vandalism or hate speech. I’m not even saying anyone is right or wrong but I am reminding you that you can’t be in favor of something only when it supports your beliefs. Whether it’s protests, the electoral college, Supreme Court decisions, freedom of speech or the Constitution in general. The arrogance is potent in this country and this is where it’s led us. In conclusion, I would like to give a proper shout out to the gentleman who was playing the violin in the Capitol yard amidst all the chaos…much like the Titanic. I can’t find footage of him on any search engine so either I see dead people or this doesn’t fit anyone’s narrative. Ugh. I need a drink.
I think we can all agree this country has kind of fallen off its rocker. I’m tempted to find Sesame Street and live with Oscar in his can. Move over Grundgetta. That’s his gf for those of you who didn’t know. That’s right, Oscar has a lady and I’m still single. Everything makes sense. I mean, what is even going on? Between Bean Dad and questioning Helen Keller’s existence, I’m EXHAUSTED. The left hates the right, the right hates the left and until humans can campaign AS HUMANS, this cycle will go and on and on and on… Madness I say. So while this country continues to beat itself up from the inside out, I will be over here dealing with the 63 mosquito bites I acquired on my travels. I wish I was exaggerating. Real talk, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to wear shorts again. I look like I have leprosy which is not a great look mid-pandemic. On a brighter note, if you’ve never been spraying hairspray and sneezed at the same time, give yourself a win for the week. I think we could all use one. Take care. Be safe. Let’s all try and be nice to one another. You know what? Don’t try – just BE NICE. Choose love. Every time. Find your merry. Seek the bright. And whoever is still eating McRib sandwiches, stop it. Try eating queso in a bathtub instead. You’re welcome. Xx
Hilarious! You make me laugh so much and that is a great thing!