Dear Betty

I wanted to wait 2022 out. Not that I’m pessimistic. I’ve just been alive these past few years. It’s called cautious optimism. My dating life mantra has now seeped into my everyday and for good reason. I got back on the apps. Met a guy who had been doing microshots all day. So I’m back off the apps. It’s hard out here for a pimp. I’ve fully embraced an ‘I’ll believe it when I see it’ outlook on life. So for this year, I figured I’d sit back, watch for a bit, decide whether or not I want to participate and I gotta tell you – it’s still up for debate. I feel like I’ve been stuck in a labyrinth for 730 days straight like we’re in some simulation of the 9 circles of hell. And none of the exits work. Not even the ones they said would definitely work. And when you’re making your way towards one exit, they’re like ‘just kidding, try this exit instead’. It’s like Groundhog Day except no one is learning from anything or becoming better or getting anything right. Although I definitely feel like I step into a metaphorical puddle of sludge every single day. Between that, Ghislaine possibly getting a retrial, Britney’s cease and desist drama with Jamie Lynn yelling about chocolate drinks and Mama Nature herself throwing gauntlets left and right at the world – I fear 2022 might not be the light at the end of the tunnel everyone yelled about. While Biden feels he has outperformed (wow) and Trump claims he invented the vaccine (okay, sir), our government is imploding by the seams. The cracks are showing and I can’t gobble up this popcorn fast enough. And while I’m entertained, I have never been more annoyed to be present in this world. I feel like as far as historical moments, I’m getting shafted. A spaceship exploded, the president got a blowjob and lied about it, mass shootings went on trend, terrorist attacks made getting on an airplane an absolute situation, internet trolls now decide who lives another day and we’re almost two years into a global pandemic. Ew. I want a refund. Betty had seen enough.

I didn’t even know volcanos could be under water. Sea volcanos?! Mother de Nature is not fucking around anymore. She’s a woman on the verge. I get it. She’s throwing everything she’s got down on us because Darwinism isn’t working fast enough. Speaking of which, watch The Alpinist. Forewarning, there is a bit of anxiety involved in watching this, so bring your Klonopin. It’s like Free Solo on ice. It’s incredible but it’s also hard to watch at times for someone like me who isn’t necessarily a daredevil by trade. I did steal a bracelet from Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream Factory once but the idea of challenging water in an uncontrolled environment in any form does not appeal to me. The forces of nature are so colossal. It blows my mind and as much as I love water, in certain circumstances I’m equally terrified of it. Undertows, hurricanes, flash floods, the massiveness and predominantly unknown body of salt water that is the ocean – I choose my battles wisely. Tornadoes in Florida? Tsunamis in California? I woke up to a tsunami warning and when I got on Instagram, everyone was at the beach. Of course they were. Meanwhile, I have been hiding away in the glorious picturesque terrain that is the Midwest spending my days reading, writing and getting back in shape because your girl let things get a little wild. I became a bed creature. We all go through phases. It’s fine. I’ve already read 9 books this year and I’ve been drinking 90% less. I’m also on day 3 of Wordle. I talk about it like I’ve been playing for months and possibly came up with it but it’s been 72 hours. I’ve figured out three puzzles. Calm down.

Remember when we were all put on lockdown for two weeks and the grocery store was sold out of everything but vegan cheese and lean pockets and we all thought: this is CRAZY!!!?? …And then it became two months and now it’s almost two years and we’re still doing this? 99.9% of anyone I’ve talked to recently has been like…

And it’s true. While all of my tests have came back negative, I’m living under the assumption I had it because unless I’m a magical genie I have no idea how that’s possible since I’ve literally been surrounded. I have been in quarantine the majority of my time here because of other people’s sickness. It’s been a lot of fun. But trying to make sense of any of this is pointless. The CDC is like the JarJar Binks of this administration as far as I’m concerned. (you like the Star Wars theme I’m sticking with?) Full on jokes. I don’t care what end of the spectrum you’re on, if you’ve been able to follow, understand and find reason in their recent hokey-pokey version of “following the science”, please enlighten me. People with Covid or who have tested positive for it regardless of symptoms have been all but shunned from society and now they’re like – you know what, it’s fine. In fact, get back to work. Even if you work in a hospital, no big deal. But especially if you work for the airlines, you get back on that plane. Huh?! Yeah, the pandemic caused an economic crisis – but for who? While most of us are trying to humpty dumpty ourselves back together again, millionaires became billionaires. When corporate demands dictate the health and safety of this country, you’ve lost me. We essentially live in a corporate aristocracy and I’m done with it. Betty, give me strength.

Ironically, I had just watched The Proposal a few days before NYE and my favorite line is ‘Congratulations, I’m 100.’ While Betty was just short of her 100th birthday, she showed us how to make a century look good. Somebody better have Carol on 24 hour watch – my heart can’t handle it. And if Ghislaine stays alive until her sentencing in June – I will be floored. I love how the Queen was like – Andrew give me all your shit and get off the internet. And while we all know this was done to protect her assets, it’s savage. What I find the most interesting, however, is that everyone knew. It’s not like this was a surprise. But as soon as legal action was officially taken, they made moves and now he’s essentially dead to them in a royal sense. Much like Weinstein – nobody was surprised but nobody was doing anything about it either. People are only holding others “accountable” for personal interest/gain and because the world found out. Don’t say sorry because you got caught. That’s what I find infurating about a lot of this. Ghislaine was the tip of the iceberg. They all deserve to burn. And they should all be pretty worried because Ghislaine is a woman on the verge, which is why this bid for a retrial worries me. I’m calling it now – if she doesn’t get that retrial, names are going to come flying out of her mouth like Whitney Houston during an acceptance speech. What does she have to lose? In conclusion, this retrial is essentially the only hope for these men in her little black book and I’m really hoping the judge doesn’t entertain it and we keep knocking em down. I should have gone to law school. I would have made an amazing litigator. And don’t tell me it’s not too late – I don’t purchase anything without a coupon anymore.

I spent one of my most favorite NYE with Bob Saget. He was kind and charismatic and made what is normally one of the worst nights to work an absolute joy. We laughed a lot and he tipped more than generously. At one point in the middle of the night he even offered his drink to me. He left me with the type of feeling I hope I leave with others in my wake. I was seen. I wasn’t this peripheral person that just happened to be in the same place at the same time. He made me feel like I was a part of his world – because I was. This most recent NYE I watched two shitty football games, counted down to midnight with Miley and Pete and was in bed by 12:05. Is that indicative of what this year will bring? God I hope not but who can say? It’s not that I don’t think 2022 can change. I think there’s a lot of potential – but time will tell. If we could find a female equivalent of Pete Davidson, the world would be a better place. He said it best on SNL – ever since the Cubs won the world series, this place has gone to total shit. The bright side is it can only get better, right? I mean who knows, Jason Momoa is single. I’m not going to say I don’t have a chance in hell with him because that would be negative and I’m working on my self-worth this year but I am saying that anything is possible. Anything. Be kind. Rewind. Be more like Betty. Besos xx