Suitcases, Men & Umbrellas

In less than 24 hours, I will be in Costa Rica and I still don’t have a suitcase.  That just caused so much anxiety for some of you.  I seem to have that effect on people.  I would also like to inform you that I just had to google whether to use affect or effect because I still don’t know the difference.  I didn’t pack until the night before I left to study abroad in Australia for six months.  At least I’m consistent.  I’ve always been this way.  Sometimes I’m amazed at how I get anywhere and yet here I am.  I’m a monster.  Here’s a peek at a convo with my partner in crime for Costa Rica:

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I am entirely convinced that immunizations and vaccines are all a sham.  I had to go to a specialized doctor who greeted my offer of a handshake with a fist bump to “avoid any transfer of germs.”  I am the opposite of a germaphobe.  When you grow up in a family of 7, there isn’t really time to be worried about all of that.  You have to save your energy for other things – like survival.   5 second rule all day.  Anyway, she then proceeded to tell me all of the things I need to be concerned about in Costa Rica.  She even gave me a 40 page pamphlet.  By the end of it, I was convinced I’d contracted an airborne illness.  I don’t know how that woman leaves her house everyday.  So I ended up getting immunized for typhoid which is something I’m convinced is made up.  My insurance of course doesn’t cover ANY of this and I had to pay extra just for the consultation.  It’s all a ponzi scheme I tell ya.  The guy who gave me the shot told me that his son goes to Costa Rica ALL THE TIME and it’s his favorite place, yah-dee-ya-da.  So I go, “Does your son get these shots?”  And he gave me this sheepish look and then stabbed me in the arm with typhoid fever.  Major bullshit.

I still haven’t gotten to putting my two Christmas decorations up.  Times be crazy man.  It’s December.  Unreal.  I feel like every single moment of my life has been accounted for in the past few months.  I was asked what I wanted for Christmas and my response was:  a boyfriend…and his name is Jason Momoa.  Now THAT is a man.  And now that I know guys like him exist, I can’t just settle!  My friend and I were discussing the other day that we need men who look like they could kill a bear with their bare hands.  That’s the first pun I’ve ever unintentionally written…and I’d never write one intentionally.  I need a Jamie Fraser.  I need….let me rephrase….I would like a Jamie Fraser.  I’m not interested in your skinny jean, metro, gel soaked hair.  Whittle me a cabin, crush a beer on your head and then go climb a mountain.  I’ll take one of those.  Yes, please.  My russian wax lady and I were discussing the men in LA and she didn’t skip a beat when she said, “Your man doesn’t live here, don’t be ridiculous.”  I agree, Irene…I agree.  Also, the card in the picture for this post is a little something #lakme sent me via snail mail.  People just get me, you know?

I was late to a meeting last night because of a Hanukkah parade that was blocking the streets.  Just car after car after van after limo with giant menorahs on top.  My uber driver, Atef,  and I watched to the tunes of Christmas music.  It was so strange.

 

 

If anything is decided from this video it’s that Jews in LA are very enthusiastic and that Atef and I know nothing about Hanukkah.  And I feel like I always mention this whenever I hear my voice but is that what I really sound like?!  Ugh…gross.  Hoarse and husky indeed – in case you forgot, that was the “award” I received in voice class in college.  Yes, there were men in the class.  My family must be so proud.  (they aren’t)

Well, I should probably go find a suitcase or at least start packing.  This will be the first vacation I’ve been on in YEARS that is just for me.  An actual pleasure cruise…minus the cruise.  This time, I’m traveling just because.  No bridesmaid dress, no end game, no itinerary but the one I chose.   I’m going to do ALL the things that I wanna do – slinky style.  That being said, I am going to let myself truly be on vacation.  No work, all play.  So for the first time in Retrospectacular history, I will be taking a week off.  I am sure 2 of you are devastated.  Alas, I will be somewhere in the sun with mini umbrellas and my girl Hilly B, libating and laughing.  Try not to miss me too much.  So long my friends and check ya later America.  Time to get this passport ripped!  See you in a fortnight  xx

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