I’ll Scream

If you haven’t posted a picture with #vaccinated in the caption, are you even real? Meanwhile, I’ve learned that I’ve been putting trash bags on wrong my entire life. Apparently you’re supposed to wrap the top around the bin and then push down which means mine have been inside out since forever. Google it. But also, if this is how you’ve always been doing it without being told, you’re a sociopath. Just saying. As amusement parks begin to open this spring, the Attractions and Parks Association of California put together a plan on how to limit activities ‘such as shouting’ to prevent the spread of COVID. This catapulted into news sources saying that Disney banned screaming on roller coasters which isn’t accurate but also isn’t wrong and I have questions. Is screaming voluntary? Is this The Quiet Place? Can you imagine a silent roller coaster? Talk about a bunch of sociopaths. Who wants to be out in 90 degree weather with a 3 year old in a mask all day anyway? I’m 37 and I don’t want to be in a mask all day in the AC. I also don’t think I’ll ever eat cereal again after a man found shrimp tails in his Cinnamon Toast Crunch. SHRIMP TAILS?! Plural?! What in the cinnamon toast fuck?! Not that it matters but this man is married to Topanga. Yes, THAT Topanga. After checking the rest of the bag, he found string/dental floss and what he believes is rat feces which is actually more horrifying than the boy who found part of a severed finger in his Arby’s roast beef sammy…it’s scary out there, man. So General Mills pulled out all the stops and, wait for it, offered to replace the box. (sarcastic applause) Yes, please replace his $4.95 cereal box instead of offering him a lifetime supply of a cereal he’ll probably never eat again. I’ll tell you this, whoever is in charge of their PR is no longer in charge of their PR. So if anyone needs a job, I’ll take a finder’s fee, thanks.

In other news, a $370 billion dollar student loan bailout has been proposed and someone’s response was – well that covers 6 people, what about the rest of us? Valid. So let’s discuss the college admissions scandal doc on Netflix. If you haven’t watched and plan to, I’d skip to the next paragraph. First of all, WOW. My one question to all involved is, how dumb are you? I’m talking from the high school seniors to the parents to the coaches to the college administrations. And then to the parents, how dumb do you think your kids are? How do you have that little of faith in your kid’s own merit? Cause what’s crazy and sad is they probably would have gotten in as is. But no, let’s pose them as potential athletes for a sport they’ve never played. What could possibly go wrong? But also, what did these kids think these pictures were for? And you didn’t think it was weird when you had to pretend to have a learning disorder and take the ACT/SAT solo?? That didn’t raise a single flag? Not even a pink one? C’mon Angela! And if they really didn’t think anything about their application process was askew, maybe they did need the extra help getting into college. Are these the ‘everybody deserves a trophy’ people? They spent more money on getting their kid an acceptance letter than all 4 years of my college experience combined. All under the guise that they were donating to a charity for underprivileged kids…which is appalling. The one guy I felt bad for, who was the ONLY person not taking the money for himself, was on house arrest for 2 years which ended in December of 2019…then 3 months later, the pandemic hits. Poor guy. This doc could also have been titled Very Bad Parenting.

On the note that colleges “aren’t influenced by $”, I bring to your attention NCAA basketball. I am happy to announce that at one point this week I was ranked 102nd in my NCAA bracket pool. How many brackets you ask? 102. Thank you very much. I’ll be right here if you need any college basketball advice. My bracket looks like a kill list if I were a very talented assassin. Red x’s everywhere. I needed the Buckeyes to win one game, ONE GAME, and they couldn’t even do that. I would have been better off asking a fish to fill it out for me. I read there’s a guy who fills out a bracket for his dog every year based on mascots (dogs first, obvi) and he’s doing quite well this season. That’s what’s crazy about college basketball. I’ll be screaming at the TV until further notice. Before you ask, YES, I have also been keeping up with the women’s tournament. UCONN, Baylor and Maryland have been putting up astronomical points. Each team has hit triple digits within the first two rounds, beating their opponents by almost double each game so far. A video went viral after a player from Oregon blasted the NCAA for the “weight room” provided for the women’s tournament vs the men’s. It would be like comparing what I have in my living room to an Equinox. It’s no secret that the men’s programs receive more coverage and money so it was a little salt to the wound when the NCAA made an excuse equivalent to ‘I was busy’ for not texting back – not only eye rolling but also, stfu. It’s insulting and the inequality is across the board both on the collegiate level and professionally when it comes to sports and don’t tell me it’s ratings (cough cough) US Women’s Soccer. No further questions.

I realize I’m about to single myself out here but this season of Grey’s Anatomy can eat cinnamon toast shrimp tails. **WARNING SPOILERS** For the other 12 people in the world who are still watching this crap 17 seasons later, WTF is even happening? There were only 3 characters I even cared about anymore going into this season. Now one is dead, Grey has been in a coma for pretty much the entire season having conversations on the beach with dead people and the other one isn’t getting enough screen time (the Irish man, please give me more Irish man). Why do I still watch? BECAUSE I HATE MYSELF obviously. I’ve come this far, I may as well see how this whole shitshow ends. If Grey doesn’t wake up this week, I might send the writers hate mail for lazy writing because if I have to watch her talk to an ‘I’m fishing from the shore’ McDreamy whose pants go from wet to not wet to not as wet from shot to shot for another second, I’m going to smash something over something else. Speaking of stress, my wonderful hair lady informed me that I’ve lost quite a bit of hair and asked if I was stressed or depressed. I said – well I’m not NOT those things. She even asked what was going on in my life at specific times. One of them was Christmas which means I was with my family so that tracks. I kid I kid (love you). So to anything that gives me anxiety – ta ta. I need this hair at least until I find a husband.

I think now is the time to be honest with ourselves. If there’s a movie or show you’ve been wanting to see and haven’t done so in the past year, let’s call a spade a spade ok? You’re not going to watch it. You’re not. This is about setting up realistic expectations and staying true to that person in the mirror. You’re never going to learn Latin, Audrey. You’re not going to run a marathon, Paige. You’re never going to watch Schindler’s List, Dennis. My sister and I decided to watch Scream and 5 minutes into the movie, it got me thinking… A) I’ve still never made popcorn like that B) Why would anyone talk to a stranger for that long? C) Why do she keep answering the phone? D) Remember when the phone would ring and you’d just have to answer having no idea who it was? The 90s were terrifying. Now we purposely ignore and screen each other based on our moods and what planet is in retrograde. And for further and final proof why I am the way I am, I was sitting on the porch with my mom and my sister reading. Nobody. Nobody. My mom: I want to go to Lithuania. Send wine. On that note au revoir! Xx

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