hold me

I have a confession to make.  I’m a failure of a female.  I guess I kinda missed out on that shoe affinity I’m apparently supposed to have.  I’m more of a have 4 pairs you run into the ground and less of a Sex in the City closet kind of gal.  My last pair of booties ended up in a trash can at a Holiday Inn in Detroit because they fell apart…literally.  Classy AF.  When I like something, I like it.  I’m a loyalist to a fault.  I don’t need a million somethings, just out here searching for that special something…or someone.  And by searching, I mean in more of a Shaggy from Scooby-Doo amateur hour kind of way and less of an every stone unturned kind of way.  We all know I’m very easily distracted.  It’s not that I don’t care, I just figure I should let it all unfold organically (cause that seems to be working out really well for me).  Cause maybe I’ve decided whatever or whoever it is I’m supposed to find or is meant for me has the tendencies of an AppleTV remote…forever lost and impossible to keep track of.  Seriously, I just had it and now my living room looks like a crime scene.  Story of my life.  Crime scenes.

Like most things, there are ups and downs to being in a relationship.  We all think everyone’s grass is greener than ours when the reality is we might all see the same shade of green differently no matter what light it’s in.  I talk about this a lot.  When you’re in love you wanna be out and when you’re out of love, all you do is want in.  Humans are crazy.  We have a knack for always wanting things when we don’t have them and not appreciating them when we do.  There are all kinds of different relationships out there.  Like ice cream, pick your flavor.  I get to come home to my studio every night and I don’t have to answer to anyone.  Which honestly most days is one of my most favorite things about my life.  Living that Rick James life – I do what I want.  But if I’m being honest, and I usually am, there are some days I just want to be held and those are the days that being alone can be a real drag.

I want to be like water.  I want to slip through fingers, but hold up ships.

Being alone as often as I am of course has its perks.  It also has its downsides.  I answered my phone the other day and my friend was like – “oh my god, are you sick?”  I probably sounded like a gremlin.  That happens sometimes.  Some days I don’t talk until I get to work…unless I talk to myself which happens more than you’d think these days.  It’s more of a mumble really.  Sometimes I sing.  Sometimes I yell at random inanimate objects in my apartment.  I’m with Madonna on the borderline these days.  I haven’t cried, like really cried, in a long time which means there is a keg of tears inside of me just waiting to burst.  Typically, I cry a lot.  Not in a crybaby type of way, I’m just emotional and have a lot going on up there.  I cry about a variety of things that revolve around everything.  Movies, music, old people alone at grocery stores, This is Us, writing, my life – it all makes me cry.  I’m walking around these days one tear away from a full on meltdown.  I honestly don’t know how I’ve gone this long.  I’m equally impressed and terrified.  Crying with someone is a whole lot less depressing than crying by yourself.

As humans, we need one another from time to time.  We can’t get through this alone.  That’s not how it works.  Love and belonging is a part of life – we crave it and whether you like it or not, we need it.  It actually feeds your soul in a way you can’t accomplish on your own.  I am all about that single and fabulous lifestyle – there’s nothing wrong with it.  But as strong as I am an my own, no war was ever won without an army.  Spread your wings and fly butterfly but sometimes we have to rely on the support of others to keep us off the ground.  Sometimes we need more than ourselves.  Sometimes I need wine.  Sometimes I need a friend.  Sometimes I need music.  Sometimes I need a trip.  Sometimes I need to dance.  There is nothing wrong with a healthy amount of wanting and needing.

Have your wings.  You’re going to have to rely on them from time to time.  However there will also be days they won’t be enough.  You’re strong.  Very strong.  But the weakest thing you can do is act like you don’t need anything or anybody else.  We get by with a little help from our friends.  We need the smiles, the winks and the hugs.  Life tends to beat us up from time to time.  When you hug, mean it.  Make it good.  Your hug should be as strong, if not better, than your handshake.  And please don’t have a dead fish handshake – it says a lot about who you are…and it’s not good.  When you hug, always go to your right, so that your hearts touch.  Heart to hearts – one of my most favorite things in this world.  It’s good for your soul, it reduces stress and…well…it just feels good.  Try it every now and again.  At the end of the day, we all want to be held.  Even if it’s just for a little bit, definitely if it’s forever.